


The Wolf's Pack

by Rejah



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Boys In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Teenage Drama, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2019-06-12 22:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 67,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15349998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rejah/pseuds/Rejah
Summary: What if Remus never belonged to the Marauders? He had to hide his secret from his classmates for years and has hardly any connection to them thanks to being so reserved. But when Potter, the school troublemaker, and Pettigrew had the idea of playing Spin the Bottle, Remus already knows that this night will change something.





	1. Change

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written by me between 2009 and 2014 (original language is German). So this is the translation to it :3  
> I hope you will enjoy this. (I'm kinda curious about my writing back then xD)

Remus Lupin breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, the exams were over. He had spent the evenings of the last weeks cramming behind mountains of books. Of course, that didn't help his reputation as a nerd and he had to listen to stupid remarks as always. But that didn't matter. Remus was used to it. He had been at Hogwarts for six years. He was used to ignoring the teasing but at the same time gave out his homework so as not to be treated like Snape and be completely excluded. 

He was used to hiding his secret. 

He was very lucky to have been accepted into the school at all. He had always been a danger to the students, to himself. He was so grateful to Dumbledore that he had stood up for him and yet sometimes he wasn’t sure if it would not have been better to stay at home, protected by his father. 

Remus lifted the heavy books he had dragged along to the exam under his arm and walked down the long stairs to the main entrance. Looking into the Great Hall, he found that he was not the first to finish the exams, but did not feel the slightest need to join the students who streamed out of the gate onto the Hogwarts grounds and toast to the upcoming holidays. Instead, he took a different path to the main gate. Soon, he had left the lake where most of the students were cavorting behind. Here, there were paths that hadn’t been trampled by other students in decades and he wheezed while he followed his own slightly ascending path with his heavy shoulder bag. It wasn’t visible, but the path was the same one as always. His path led him to the foothills of the Forbidden Forest, near the Whomping Willow which had been planted exactly six years ago, and he sat down in the shade of one of the expanding trees. He did so deliberately to keep annoying students away, so he could read in peace. 

No school reading, of course. He wasn't that kind of nerd. After exams or other strenuous days, he loved to immerse himself in a nice novel, preferably love stories. Okay, if it got out that he liked to read romantic sob-stuff, they'd probably mock him even more. With an unpleasant feeling in his stomach, he thought of Potter and his friends with whom he was forced to share a dormitory. He kept them at a distance as best he could, but he did not always succeed. Sneaking away every four weeks without any of them noticing often proved difficult. As was avoiding the recurring questions that inevitably arose because of his strange behavior. Or if one of them ever saw a piece of his scarred skin. But with the years, these questions had also become less and less.

He let his gaze wander over the Hogwarts grounds. It was summer now, lush green meadows extended around the castle and many students were lying around the lake to let the sun shine on their stomachs. For Scotland, it was a really bright and hot summer day. Hogwarts was like home to him, but he still had to be on his guard.

He stuck his nose back into his book.

A shadow fell over the pages just as he had reached a particularly heartwarming scene.

"Hey, Lupin, whatcha reading?" 

He recognized the voice immediately and when he looked up, Black stood before him. 

Sirius Black, who was probably the biggest heart-throb of the school, loved by all the girls and equally feared and hated by the boys. There was a rumor he'd already kissed everyone of the female half of the school’s population. 

"Um - a book of runes," Remus stammered with red ears and put the book away. "Nothing much." 

"That didn't look like runes to me." Black tilted his head, then a devilish grin fell over his face. "Let me see that!" 

"Hey - no!" 

Remus still wanted to prevent Black from reaching for his book, but as a chaser for Gryffindor's quidditch team, he was nimble enough to avoid him and catch the book. Curious, he read the title while Remus hung his head low. Although Black wasn't as bad as Potter, he took every opportunity to tease him. He could only be glad that the summer holidays began soon. When he returned to Hogwarts for his senior year, hopefully the others would have so much to tell that they forgot all about him.

Black finally cleared his throat, which is why Remus looked at him again. 

"Do you always read stuff like this?" 

"Uh - no, well - that's a homework assignment ... for fortune telling," he replied lamely. 

"Hah, you always were a bad liar, Lupin." Black waved the book around in front of him, then gave it back to him. "I have to get to James. See ya!" 

Remus looked after him for a while and hoped that his red ears would soon return to normal. 

He, a bad liar? Black was really misjudging him.

* * *

They didn't hate each other. Even though Black's teasing seemed like it, they were nothing more than harmless childish pranks. Much worse were the Slytherins, who had found the ideal victim in a Gryffindor that somehow didn't seem to fit into his house. The worst time was shortly after full moon, when he could go back to class and had to endure the glances: partly curious, partly envious that he apparently received preferential treatment. But, as mentioned, he was used to it. 

The exams had taken almost the whole day and after he had read for a while, he had to return to the castle whether he liked it or not, so that he would not be missed at dinner. Amazing, but true: Someone would actually miss him. This had to be because the four of them shared a room - him, Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. He kept just as much contact with the three as was necessary to keep the temperature in their room from dropping below freezing. They weren't friends, but they weren't enemies either, that should be enough. Why he was so hostile? So no one got too close. 

He searched the Gryffindor table for one of them and when he found them - Potter's messy hair couldn’t be missed - he sat down with them. Black was stuffing his face with pumpkin pie. 

"Well, how'd it go?" 

Pettigrew, more shy than Remus himself pretended to be, stared at him with big eyes. Somehow, he reminded him of something like a rodent. Even if he distanced himself equally from everyone, he really didn’t like Pettigrew. 

"Yes, quite well." 

"Oh, really? Well, I wasn’t sure if you had to use two or three knife tips of moonweed for the cheer-up-potion ..." 

Remus wasn't even listening anymore. It was possible that Pettigrew would be angry with him later and the temperature would drop another two degrees, to a dangerous four degrees above zero, but he was definitely not in the mood for small talk at the moment. He just waited for the moment Black would tell his latest news and pricked up his ears: 

"-that Miranda is really hot, have you seen her skirt today? I think she magicked it shorter," Black was just raving. 

"She also made her blouse tighter," Potter replied. 

"Oh wow! Man, she’s really missing on my list!" Remus rolled his eyes. It was clear that Black had chosen another bed warmer.

"But she's still nothing against Evans!" 

"Hah, I knew you'd start that with that one again. I don't know what you see in her - and if you think she's so hot, why do you always call her Evans? Why don't you call her by her first name? It's much more ... intimate." A filthy grin spread all over Black's face. 

"Duh, it's just like you to always want to be intimate! I'd rather wait." 

"Oh, here comes our great romantic again!" 

There, there was the word. Romantic. Romance. Remus’ book. Black looked over at him, their eyes met. Remus prepared himself internally against the mockery. James, on the other hand, swooned unhindered over Evans.

"I'm not a romantic, I love Evans! All you have to do is find the right girl!" 

"Yes, that's why I'm trying everyone out!" 

Sirius had turned away. He didn't say it. Remus stared at him with his mouth open until he noticed that it had to look really embarrassing. Why hadn’t he told them? While Potter and Black were discussing their flings, he couldn't let go of this question.

* * *

Remus was the only one in the dorm. The others had decided to celebrate their exams thoroughly - passed or not. For Remus, however, the day had been strenuous enough, and he wanted nothing more than to drop into his bed and sleep in until Saturday. 

He was just about to lie down as the door to the dorm burst open. Black came into the room, looked around and finally his eyes caught him. 

"Hey, Lupin! Why are you hiding up here?" 

"Uh … actually, I was going to sleep ..." Actually. With that, he had already sealed his fate. 

"Come on, there's a party downstairs! We’ve got butterbeer, too!"

"Huh, where'd you get that?" 

"From the Three Broomsticks, of course, and now come!" Laughing, Black grabbed his wrist and pulled him after him and out of the dorm. Judging by his good mood, he had probably already tasted the butterbeer. 

There wasn't much going on in the common room. The fireplace at one side of the large and cosy looking room was out because it was much too warm to light it up. Red and yellow-gold colors dominated the room. Most of the chairs had been moved aside, someone had put a record on and Black had probably not lied about the butterbeer. However, glancing at some of the bottles standing on the table near the fireplace, Remus was sure that those contained a different type of alcohol. However, apart from Potter and Pettigrew and a few other small groups that had spread out here and there in the common room, nobody was there. Obviously, the only thing Black meant by ‘party’ was getting drunk. 

Now Black dragged him to his friends, Potter and Pettigrew. The latter already had shiny eyes and an obvious glimmer of red around his nose, but Potter handed him another bottle of butterbeer. Secretly, Remus turned up his nose. It was nothing new that Pettigrew had to pay for Potter's pranks - just that he didn't notice it (or didn't want to notice). 

"Hey, look who I brought!" 

Potter looked up and grinned while Pettigrew secretly put the bottle on the floor. 

"Wow, did you make it after all? Come on, let's party!" 

"But-" 

Remus wanted to disagree, but Black had already sat down next to Potter and pulled him along himself, so that they formed a small circle. Immediately, he was offered a butterbeer and Remus accepted the bottle in the hope that they would leave it at that. 

"Peter and I just came up with something," Potter started while he took a deep sip of some other dubious drink. His gaze slipped to Remus and he began to grin. Remus swallowed. That didn't bode well. 

"Come on, Jamie, spit it out!" 

"Yeah," Potter said widely and his grin got even wider, "we're playing spin the bottle." 

"Spin the bottle?" Black shouted outraged. "Wow, how boring, that's something for little kids!" 

"Come on, this is fun! Besides," and again his gaze slid over to Remus, "we all want to know what our little Lupin's secret desires are." 

Remus felt the blush rush into his face. Sure, they weren’t kids anymore, but still they wanted to do such stuff! Too bad age didn't matter when it came to embarrassing secrets. Not that he had any special ones. Not embarrassing ones, anyway. Still - it was a game, so he could lie, he just wasn't allowed to show it. 

"Well." Potter placed an empty bottle in the middle. "Truth or dare?" 

"Truth, truth!", Black crowed, now all of a sudden enthusiastic. 

"Okay. The one the bottle points to ... must say with whom he had his first time!" 

Potter turned the bottle with a bounce and as it rolled over the floor, Remus hoped that its end wouldn’t point to him. Even though compared to other things, this was a harmless question. When he looked down again, the bottle slowed until it stopped. 

"Oh, no!" Pettigrew blushed. Black sighed theatrically. 

"Oh, great, that's no use! We already know of Peter, he never has anyone anyway!" 

"Well," Potter objected, "maybe he didn't tell us either."

"Oh, nonsense, as if! Or did you, Peter?" 

Both of them looked at him with big eyes. Pettigrew looked like he wished the ground would open and swallow him up. 

"Um, yeah ... you're right," he finally admitted quietly. 

"See, I knew it! Come on, next round!" 

Timidly, Pettigrew took the bottle in his hand. It seemed he had lost the desire to play the game, but he continued to play. 

"So ... truth or dare?" 

"Truth, dares are boring," Black yawned. 

"O-Okay. So, tell us the last mistake you made in quidditch."

"Wow Peter, how boring!" Black and Potter both rolled their eyes, but the question was asked: The bottle turned and everyone stared at it and waited until it stopped. 

"Well, I'm so good at Quidditch anyway, I've never made a mistake," boasted Potter, who the bottle had pointed at. 

"Show-off." 

"Well, then it's my turn again. But I want a dare because I can think of a pretty good one." 

"And which one?" 

Potter grinned. "The one the bottle points at has to kiss Lupin!" 

"What?" This time it was Remus who had been completely silent so far. “But in that case, I’ll always-." 

"I know, I know. But sacrifices must be made. Just hope that it won’t be Peter." Potter laughed. 

Remus didn't know what to do. Get up and walk away? This would reduce the temperature in the room by at least ten degrees because if you spoiled the trio's jokes they could be quite sulky. On the other hand, it was a kiss - his first. 

"O-Okay. Go on." Remus had no choice. Somehow he had to get through it. 

When the bottle began to spin, Remus had the strange feeling that he had no control over his own situation for the first time in years. Something was going on. He felt it. 

The bottle opening pointed to Black. 

Silence. Black didn't really expect that the lot would fall on him. From the corner of his eye, Remus saw Pettigrew breathe a sigh of relief. 

"Wow, Sirius, you made a very special catch today," Potter said with a smirk when the initial shock was over. 

Black didn't seem too enthusiastic. With a doubtful look, he glanced at Remus who kept his eyes downcast. He didn't know where to look exactly. 

"Um." Black's voice was unusually insecure. "Is on the cheek okay, too?" Remus could only hope so. Not that he had big plans for his first kiss, but he didn't want to lose it in a game either.

"Ha, you sure would like that!" Potter was obviously enjoying the situation and forgot that it might just as well have been him. He'd wind him up with it for weeks.

Black bit his lip. Remus held his breath. Would he forfeit? 

"All right. Come here, Lupin." Oh, no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. He wasn't really planning to do this, was he? Remus didn't move a bit. Black looked him in the eyes. "Don't chicken out now. It's just a kiss!" 

Maybe to him, Remus thought, but to me it's the first. Damn it. 

And then it happened: Black actually leaned forward. His eyes open, not romantic at all. His half-long, black hair fell into his face and impatiently, he brushed it behind his ears. Remus only partly paid attention to this gesture. He had always imagined things differently. Not like this. A hand on his neck that drew him closer. In the novels, it had always been different. Unfamiliar breath on his lips. And certainly not with a man! 

Black's lips were dry and firm, yet gave in as they pressed on his own. Remus forgot how to breathe. Was it the same feeling that all the other girls felt with him? 

Then it was already over. Remus' face was glowing and somehow his head seemed to be full of something like cotton wool. He swayed and held on to Black's arm. He was all warm. Remus closed his eyes. 

"And on to the next round!"

Potter hit Black on the back and then held out the bottle. The corners of Black’s mouth twitched briefly, then he reached to the side and grabbed the half-full bottle Pettigrew had put down and took a deep sip of it.

And then it went on. But Remus felt that something had changed that day.

To any outsider it had to look as if everything was as it had been, but Remus, who knew the marauders for almost six years, immediately noticed the small signs of change. But it wasn't just Black who acted differently. The otherwise shy Pettigrew seemed to want to come to the fore, laughing loudly at Potter's jokes and showing way too much enthusiasm for everything that left his mouth. Potter, on the other hand, practically luxuriated in it. This was nothing new in itself, but the scale of it was.

And Black - Remus couldn't help but give him stealthy glances over and over during the evening. It was as if he saw him in a completely new light, as if he had never seen him before. His long black hair, the tips barely reaching to his shoulders, his straight, slightly too long nose which stood out sharply from his athletic profile.

Only when Black suddenly turned to him and their eyes met for the shortest of moments did he realize that he was staring and looked away.

Oh yes, something had changed. Remus just didn't know yet how much.


	2. Apology

Following old habits, Remus had returned to his spot near the Whomping Willow and, leaning against a tree trunk, had absorbed himself in a book. Although 'absorbed' was the wrong word, since last night he couldn’t think of anything else than the kiss Black had smacked on him. ‘Smacked’ was definitely the right word. What happened had nothing to do with love. Remus hated games like that. But in order to maintain the temperature in their room he had to get involved in something like this from time to time. Wasn’t it like that? Now, he was almost certain that it had been a mistake to give in.

It was just before the holidays. Tomorrow, the Hogwarts Express would arrive and take most of the students back to their parents. He’d also look forward to the holidays if he’d something to do at home. Because if there was something he hated, it was boredom.

When the novel’s two characters began to show their love a little more clearly than he liked he closed the book and got up, but hesitated, indecisive about what he should do now. He finally decided to go to the lake and let his feet dangle for a while in the cool water, even though he knew that half of Hogwarts would be romping around there now.

* * *

In fact, it wasn't only half of Hogwarts there. What bothered him most was the presence of Potter, Pettigrew - and Black. All three of them had put on their swimming trunks and jumped like idiots through the water, further from the shore than the rest of the students. There was a reason for not going in too far, after all, the lake at Hogwarts was no bathing lake, but a ban hadn’t come through at that time, because no one was sticking to it anyway.

Remus actually wanted to go back again, but to his regret Potter had already discovered him.

"Hey! Lupin! Come here!"

What else could he do? He walked towards the trio until the water stopped him. Potter still waved.

"Come here!" he shouted again.

"I can't. I don't have my swimming trunks on." Was Potter blind or did he actually expect him to throw himself into the lake in his clothes just because he wanted him to?

"Come on, don't chicken out!" Black shouted.

Remus flinched. That's what he said the day before. Was he aware of the parallels?

"Then get your things and come here!" Potter turned out to be a tiny bit courteous, but Remus didn't even think about going swimming with those three. Besides, he didn't want to get too close to Black.

"I don't have any ..."

"Nonsense, of course you do!" Potter came out of the water and Remus retreated, but the other one only took his wand from the shore. "Accio Lupin's shorts!"

At the same moment, Remus became aware that something else than what Potter had expected came flying, same as all the other students who had heard his spell and suddenly began to giggle. Remus' face heated and he whirled around, staring at the Gryffindor’s tower, from whose open windows a bunch of very specific pieces of clothing flew out. His shorts. But not the ones for swimming. Potter, at first surprised, burst into laughter when he saw what his spell had done while Remus’ underwear flew towards him, clearly visible to everyone else.

Meanwhile, Black and Pettigrew had also risen out of the water. Pettigrew giggled while Black stared at Remus' underwear in confusion. Remus, his face glowing as red as a tomato, was forced to collect it again. He ignored Potter, who was busy bragging about his prank. It wasn't like there was anything wrong with his underwear, it looked just like any anyone else’s. Nevertheless, he didn't want anyone to see them, be it boy or girl, Gryffindor or Slytherin. But although he was sure that everyone in his situation had to feel the same way as him, there was no one to feel sorry for him and help him pick it up. Everyone stared at him and most of them laughed.

This time he had really gone too far. Or maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Potter punched him playfully on the shoulder.

"Take it easy, Lupin, everybody has a bad day!" He cackled.

Remus picked up the rest of his stuff and turned around when he heard something he hadn’t expected.

"Stop it, James! Can't you see you've totally embarrassed him?"

But it wasn't Lily Evans who scolded him as usual. It was Black.

Potter stared at his best friend as if he’d seen a Thestral, his mouth open in surprise.

"Wh-What?" That was the only thing he managed to say.

Black must have understood what he’d said by now. Remus could read it on his face which bore a mixture of guilt and determination: Black understood that it would end in a fight if he didn’t say anything that would resolve the tense situation.

"You heard me, James. Stop it!"

Potter's face darkened.

"Why would you say something like that all of a sudden? Are you barmy?"

"The one who’s barmy is you! You really piss me off right now, you know that?"

"Oh, yeah? You know what pisses me off? That you've been brooding the entire time since yesterday and I don't know why! Why don't you just tell me what's going on? Are we friends or not?"

At this point Remus decided to stop watching, grabbed his clothes and ran away, to get away from the lake and into his bedroom as fast as he could. He didn't want to see anyone anymore.

* * *

It took barely five minutes for the door to reopen. Remus lay face down on his bed, hearing the sound of feet passing his bed. Then a heavy weight lowered onto the mattress and he jumped up.

Black was sitting on his bed.

"What do you want?" Remus grumbled and dropped his face, burying it in the pillow.

"I'm sorry." Black's voice was unusually quiet.

"What? What are you apologizing for?"

"For James' behavior. He can be a real prick. He never thinks before he does something." And something like that came just out of Black's mouth which wasn't any better, Remus thought and decided to keep quiet. "Will you accept my apology?" Remus said nothing. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" His pillow was promptly pulled out from under his head.

"What the fuck do you want from me?" Remus became slowly angry, he didn't want to play these games anymore. He tried really hard not to endanger the temperature in their dorms, but his patience also gave out at some point. "Now you want me to thank you for apologizing? Just so you can bother me again next time?"

That left Black speechless. Then he recovered and shirked from his look.

"So I was right ..." From his spot on the floor, he looked up at Remus, which reminded Remus of a dog searching for pity. "I never knew that our pranks went too far for you sometimes. I mean ... you never got mad or anything. Didn’t you say anything because of ..."

"Yes!" Remus replied without waiting. Of course he only did this because of James and in the hope that they mostly left him alone. Feeling really angry, he got up from the bed to leave, but Black grabbed his arm.

"Then at least give me a chance to make it up to you! I mean ... I never meant to hurt you and believe me, the others never meant any harm, too. I don't want to ... I don't want you to hate me."

Remus looked at him in astonishment. Since when did Black care what he thought of him? Then he got an idea.

"Why did you defend me in front of Potter? You're usually best buddies."

"Well ..." Black scratched his head in embarrassment. "I was just imagining what it would have been like for me if my entire... well, you know, if all my stuff had been thrown out like this. Kinda uncool."

"Uh-huh." Perhaps it didn’t seem like it, but Remus was secretly surprised that Black was capable of such solidary thoughts.

But he didn't want to make it that easy for him.

"And what would you do if I don't accept your apology?"

Black smiled mischievously.

"Then I'll make you do it!" That was so typical! Disappointed, Remus rolled his eyes and turned away, but Black was faster and pulled him back. The grip on his arm got tighter so it almost hurt. Black looked at him with big puppy eyes.

"I'm really serious!"

"Let go of me."

Black actually did what he was told and lowered his hand. However, he still looked at Remus like a begging dog. Or better yet, a puppy.

Remus sighed and fought with himself. If he gave in, it would only mean another victory for Potter, but if he remained stubborn, he wouldn’t do himself any favors for the rest of his time at Hogwarts. Besides, for some reason, he felt like Black was serious this time.

"Okay, I admit defeat. But don’t you dare," he raised his index finger, "to fuck with me!"

"Wow, words like that coming out of your mouth?" Black couldn't help to tease him now and then, but the expression on his face showed that he hadn't lied.

* * *

Remus had decided not to spread around his new (what should he call it?) friendship with Black, because that meant something special. Black was the most popular boy at school - and with him, Potter. Pettigrew was more of a tag-along, it was just that he hadn't understood it himself yet. After their conversation, he’d quickly packed his things for tomorrow, including his underwear, and put a special spell on them so that the same dilemma wouldn’t happen twice. Then he had gone down to dinner.

* * *

Grinding his teeth, Remus edged his way through a bunch of giggling girls who had just decided to stop in the middle of the already narrow corridor of the Hogwarts Express. He was looking for a compartment that was as empty as possible, but at the same time he knew that his search would probably prove unsuccessful. That meant he had to join someone - just who?

His question was answered when he heard loud voices from one of the compartments which he could immediately place: Black, Potter and Pettigrew.

Remus wanted to walk past them as he normally did, but stopped abruptly so that the student walking behind him ran into his back and began to scold him. Should he try? Black had at least offered him his friendship, or something similar, and shouldn't friends go home together? Remus stood in front of the compartment for quite a while before he finally managed to pull himself together to open the door. Immediately, three heads turned to him.

"Hey, hello, Lupin!"

So Black hadn't forgotten after all. Remus made himself smile.

"Hello ... can I join you?"

Remus noticed an astonished, if not discontented look on Pettigrew's face, but Black nodded like a lunatic and moved a aside in his seat so that Remus could sit next to him. Potter's expression was barely readable, yet Remus didn’t miss the tense atmosphere in the compartment. He’d heard a quiet conversation between the two of them the evening before. Neither Black nor Potter knew that he had been listening, after all, he had already been lying in bed and for the sake of simplicity - he didn’t want to hear Potter's apologies as well - pretended to be asleep.

"Jeez, come on!" Potter has hissed to Black. The two of them had sat down on Black's bed and had drawn the curtains as if a piece of cloth could stop anyone from witnessing their conversation. "What's the matter?" And then, a little softer. "Sirius, you’re my best friend, you know you can tell me anything."

It had felt like an eternity to Remus and he had already thought that the two had separated again in silence, but then Sirius had finally replied. If you wanted to call it that.

"I ... I don't know myself. But there's ... there's something weird about me. I just don't know what." Sirius sighed. "I didn't mean to yell at you, but what happened today was really mean. Sometimes I feel sorry for Lupin."

Silence. Then Potter laughed, very quietly.

"You feel sorry for him? Wow, Sirius, I know what your problem is - you're growing up!"

"Oh, shut up!"

A muffled noise had indicated that a pillow had been thrown at Potter, then he and Black had wished each other a good night and had gone to sleep.

Maybe it was Potter's unsatisfied curiosity that he eyeballed Black anyway.

Since he’d sat down Potter and Black had fallen into silence again. Restlessly, Remus slid back and forth in his seat, knowing that the air in the compartment was so thick only because of him. Black didn't have to defend him. After all, he had always coped with it when the trio had schemed something against him again. So why had Black intervened now of all times?

The landscape passed by. Silently, Remus looked out and counted the trees that rushed past them for a while. It's been another year. Not much longer, then he’d have finished school, it was just another year.

At some point, Potter took some cards out of his pocket. Both Black who had not known where to look and Pettigrew who disliked the tense situation as much as Remus were relieved and gratefully accepted Potter's cards. Remus declined when he was also asked to play, he didn't know how to play ‘Exploding Snap'.

Black moved a little closer to him and held his cards in front of him so that they could both look inside.

"I'll show you," he mumbled quietly.

The game itself was not complicated. It was about always handing a few cards to the next player or something, so with a bit of luck you could collect all the cards with the same number or the same picture. The first player to do so had to throw his cards in the middle and shout "Snap!”. The other players had to react just as quickly and let go of their cards, the last of them was the loser. Unfortunately, Remus wasn't necessarily blessed with quick reactions, so he and Black always lost when he held the cards.

"Man, Lupin, you gotta be faster," Black mouthed at him when Remus added another mark to their tally sheet.

"I'm not really used to it yet ..."

Remus found the game quite boring after some rounds, but he continued to play. Of course only because time went by faster if he did, but somehow he knew that this wasn’t quite true. Black had moved a little closer to him during the game so that their legs touched slightly, pointing sometimes here and sometimes there at a card he was supposed to pass on, or poked his side if he took the wrong one.

Remus noticed how the landscape was changing along the way. More and more villages passed by, slowly condensing into a city, and he knew that they would soon be in London.

After losing once again, Black lowered his cards and sighed. Potter looked up.

"What's the matter, Sirius? he asked. "You sound like you're ..." He left the sentence unspoken, grinning while wagging his eyebrows.

Black smiled, but differently than usual.

"Well, you know. I'm really happy about seeing my family again," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh." Potter bit his lip as Remus wondered, confused, what Black meant.

"I don't necessarily have the best relationship with my family," Black explained while looking straight at him. Remus remained silent, while this time it was Potter who looked confused, probably because Black told him something like that.

"I'm especially not in the mood for Regulus!" Black scrunched up his eyebrows as he noticed the London welcome sign. "I was so glad that son of a bitch finally graduated and now I have to see him again!"

"Sirius ..." Potter nudged him briefly so that he had eye contact with him again. "You know my offer still stands, right? If you get in trouble with them, then ..."

"Yeah, I know."

Black seemed to be uncomfortable with the conversation because he suddenly got up and plucked at his trousers which were completely wrinkled from sitting for so long.

"Let's go to the exit before we have to push through the crowd."

With that, he was gone.

While Potter followed him and Pettigrew jumped up and hurried after them, Remus took a little more time for himself.

What was this offer Potter had spoken about? Was Black in trouble at home? For the first time in his life, he was curious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated :3


	3. An unexpected meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I'm really busy at the moment.

Huffing and puffing, the Hogwarts Express entered the station. Black had been wise to go to the doors early as there was a crowd of students behind them. When the doors opened, it was Black who jumped out first, followed by Potter, Pettigrew and, with some distance between them, Remus.

Remus' eyes searched the platform until he had found who he was looking for.

"Dad!”

His father turned at his voice, just in time to catch Remus who threw himself into his arms.

"Hey, Remus,” he laughed and embraced him strongly, then held him at arm’s length to examine him. "You ate too little again, didn't you, Remus? You look so bony!"

"Well, the last weeks were stressful.”

Remus was happy to finally see his father again and grinned at him.

"Well, I’ll feed you." His father winked at him. "Let's go home, for today, I've cooked your favourite meal."

Remus linked arms with his father and wanted to leave the platform, just as he had always done the years before. However, he turned around once more.

A few meters away from him Potter, Black and Pettigrew were standing. Potter was busy with his parents, but Black looked at him openly - even as their eyes met, he didn’t look away. Slowly, Black’s hand raised and Remus wondered why. As always, Black smiled his crooked smile, nearly a grin, and then Remus understood. He was waving at him, saying goodbye.

Remus waved back.

* * *

The car bumped along the rocky forest road, jolting Remus around. On the way home he’d told his father about his school year and that he had found some interesting books in Hogsmeade.

"And otherwise, Remus?"

Confused, Remus paused in his flow of words while his father looked straight ahead.

"Otherwise?

"Well ... did you perhaps meet a girl?"

"Dad!"

"I just mean ..." His right hand rose and he ruffled Remus’ mouse-coloured hair. "It's about time, isn't it? I was a real heartbreaker at sixteen, did you know that?” He grinned and Remus also had to laugh, then a thought came to him and his smile disappeared.

"And Mama? You didn't break her heart."

His father's gaze turned to the street.

"Well ... we needed some time. I think this is the best way to express it: We kept breaking each other's hearts until we found each other." He sighed, then he stroked Remus’ hair again. "Love isn't always easy, you know."

"Hm ..." Remus remained silent.

His father didn't broach the subject again and instead concentrated on the street. After a while, the forest thinned out and gave a clear view of wide, yellow fields. Not for long, and they would be at home.

"And the other boy?

Remus jolted out of his thoughts.

"Which other boy?"

"Well, the one you waved to at the station." His father looked at him. "Did you finally find a friend?

Remus wondered how he should explain this to his father.

"Um ... well, something like that. I’m not sure.” His father looked at him questioningly. "He ... he actually belongs to Potter, you know ..." And that was all there was to say.

* * *

Remus took a deep breath and took the scent in. On his plate was a juicy steak, rare, which was his favorite, with some vegetables and potatoes - his father just had to put those there. Hungry, Remus waited until his father had sat down at the rustic wooden table before he started eating.

"So what's your friend's name?”

His father was persistent. Remus swallowed the bit of steak.

"Black. Sirius Black."

"And what’s he like?”

Remus didn't need long to think about it.

"Annoying. Plays stupid pranks all the time, doesn't learn for school. Potter and him are best friends.”

"And still you’re friends with him? Then there has to be a good side to him."

Remus thought back to the evening after the exam, then quickly stared at his plate and began to poke the steak with his fork.

"Um ... he can also be nice. Sometimes. He ... he protected me from Potter. Not that I needed it, but ... he argued with him because of me." Remus kept poking around in his food.

"That's nice, isn't it?”

"Hm ... maybe, a bit."

"Will he come to visit us during the holidays? Or you him?"

"Um, I don't think so. If he visits someone during the holidays, then it’s surely Potter. And me visiting him? I’d rather not ..."

His father frowned, but left it at that.

* * *

It was bound to happen. No matter how much Remus loved the country life - the endless fields where he would take walks or the shady trees of the nearby forest, under which he sat down to escape the hot sun with a good book in his hand - he was bored after a while. He’d already read the books he had bought in Hogsmeade some time ago and now flipped through one of them for the second time, but somehow the tension was missing this time, after all, he knew that the two would find each other. On top of that it was oppressively hot, a few crickets were chirping next to him and a pair of birds had started to build a nest above his head. Remus' gaze slid upwards, wandering across the fields, which looked the same everywhere. Should he go inside and learn for school? No. The thought of his cool room appealed to him, but he simply didn't feel like learning in the first week of his holidays. He couldn’t help his father with his work either. He pinched his eyes and discovered his dad as a black dot on a yellow background, driving his tractor over a path between the fields. Remus couldn't drive a tractor and because of his illness he wasn't made for hard work like this.

Sighing, he closed the book without having put his bookmark, a dried yellow blossom, between the pages and stood up.

His path led him to his father who stopped smiling when he saw him approaching from afar.

"What is it, would you like to go for a ride?

Remus shook his head.

"No ... I wanted to ask if you could take me to the bus stop."

"To the stop? Do you want to go to the town?" Remus nodded.

"Yeah. I’m gonna buy a few more books or something." His father shook his head laughing.

"You really are a bookworm, aren't you? But I can see you're bored again. All right, I'll drive you."

Remus was grateful that his father was driving him, after all, the distance to the next stop was quite long. It would take him almost two hours to walk through the forest and along the adjoining country road, but only a quarter of an hour by car.

* * *

His father dropped him off at the bus stop, wished him lots of fun and drove away. Remus glanced at the clock, then at the timetable, which indicated that he still had to wait half an hour for the bus to arrive. So Remus sat down on the bench and pulled out his book again.

When Remus got on the bus, it was completely empty, and there were only a few people getting on, all with the same destination as him. It took another hour before he arrived in the city, a small suburb of London.

It was relatively crowded in the city, but not too much, as it wasn't a weekend, so Remus rattled through the only three bookstores. Occasionally, a few girls giggled behind him because he didn't read the books a 16-year-old boy would normally read, but he didn't care, he didn't know them. After a few hours, he finally got himself ice cream and sat down on a bench in the shade of a tree. It was definitely too hot. He had pretty much spent all his pocket money on books, as always. He looked at the clock. In just over an hour he should be back at the bus stop so that his father could pick him up at the usual time. They had agreed to a time years ago. So he should head there now.

He had just got up when he noticed something him.

A boy was leaning against a shop window. Black, long hair that seemed a bit tousled. Wait a minute. His eyes widened. Was that-

Remus approached him and in that moment, his intuition became certainty.

"What are you doing here, Black?"

Black’s head shot up and he looked at Remus with wide eyes.

"Lupin?"

Only now did he notice that Black looked pretty exhausted. Not only had his hair not been washed for quite some time - quite unusual for someone who used to jump in the shower every chance he got - his clothes were also wrinkled so that it looked as if he had slept in the same clothes for some time. He was pale and the glint in his eyes told him that something was wrong.

"Um ... don't you actually live in London?" The city was a little too far away from here to justify Black’s appearance here with a simple shopping tour. Black mumbled something.

"What did you say?” Remus asked.

"I ran away!" Black exclaimed.

"What?” Remus stared at him in such amazement that he almost dropped the bag with his books. "Why?"

Black shrugged his shoulders. Well, it seemed he didn't want to talk. But Remus would bet his dinner that it had something to do with his family. Carefully, he looked back at Black who’d put on a defiant expression.

"Um ... and what do you want to do now?" Black shrugged his shoulders again. " Hadn’t Potter offered you to come to him in this case?"

Black grumbled, "Yeah, he did ..."

"You don't sound very enthusiastic."

"I don't know if I should go there."

"Why not?" Another twitch. Remus thought about it.

For some reason, this Black was so different from the one he knew at school. Tired and exhausted. No girls around him that he could add to his tally a few hours later. No Potter. Did he only behave like a macho in his presence?

“So, where are you staying?" Remus asked hesitantly. Black looked at him with dark eyes.

"I don't know. Bench in the park or something."

Remus gasped, "But - but that’s dangerous!"

"Huh, why?"

"Uh ... maybe - there are wild animals?"

"You think?"

"In any case, you shouldn't sleep outside."

"And where else should I go? I can't break into some house and nobody will take me in for free, especially not the way I look."

It took Remus a lot of effort to say, "You could come with me, you know, to my place."

This time it was Black who looked surprised. He didn't answer directly.

"You would do that?"

Remus nodded. The whole thing felt awkward. Then he remembered the time and hurriedly checked the clock.

"Oh no!" Breathless, he looked up to Black. "My bus leaves in a few!”

* * *

Wheezing, Remus came to a halt and supported himself with his hands on his knees as he struggled for breath. They had run as fast as they could. Black looked after the bus.

"We missed it, I’d say."

"Shit! The bus comes only every two hours." Remus saw the corners of Black’s mouth twitching. "What's so funny?"

Black grinned.

"I've never heard you swear before."

Remus snorted, then sat down on the bench next to the stop sign.

For a while, they both remained silent until Black began to speak.

"Now we’re sitting on a bench anyway.”

"But not on a park bench.”

"Yeah, on a bench in a bus stop. Is that any better in your book?” Black giggled.

But Remus was rather worried. What would his father think if he wasn't there at the agreed time? He had never been late before. Suddenly, Black poked his side.

"Hey, what's up? Shouldn’t I be the one moping?"

"It’s nothing. It's just that I promised my father I'd be back at our stop at eight o'clock." Black nodded.

"You agreed on that time."

"Yes."

"Well ... there's nothing you can do about it. I guess it's too far on foot, isn't it? It's all pretty rural here."

"You live in the city, don't you?" Black nodded.

"It's not as crazy as in London, but where I live it wouldn't be so bad if you missed the bus, there’s always another one after ten or twenty minutes."

They fell into silence again.

Remus didn't know how to start a conversation with Black. Now he noticed that he’d never really spoken to him before - Black had annoyed him, had stolen things from him for fun and then let them inconspicuously reappear days later, he’d had to hold out for his pranks many times - but they’d never talked.

Black was also silent. From the corner of his eye, Remus noticed that he seemed to be quite tired after all. Who knew how long he had been on the road and where he had spent the last few nights. Remus hoped he hadn’t been serious about the park bench, but the way he looked there had to be some truth to it.

Black was so different than usual. Quiet. Eyes half closed due to fatigue. Remus watched him inconspicuously, watching his eyes gradually closing.

"You can sleep if you want," Remus muttered, making Black jump. "I will wake you when the bus arrives.”

Black blinked at him as if he’d never seen him before, then nodded. Remus didn't protest as Black stretched out on the bench and laid his head in his lap without asking. Who knew what Black had experienced in the last few days? Remus felt sorry for him, and so he carefully put one hand on his shoulder, feeling the gentle ups and downs of his breath, which became slower and slower until they had turned into quiet deep breaths, the only sound on the barely frequented road.


	4. Warm shadows

Remus woke up because someone was shaking his shoulder. Bleary, he blinked and looked directly into his dad’s eyes.

"Dad!"

He felt a weight on his legs, then heard a groan and looked to the side, confused. Oh. Black, who had been sleeping on his lap, but was sitting up now and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Is it time yet?" he mumbled and then yawned without holding a hand in front of his mouth.

"Did you miss the bus?” his dad asked. He was simply the best. Remus nodded and tried to look as conscience-stricken as possible.

"I'm sorry, dad." His gaze wandered to Black who was currently trying to rearrange his hair, which didn't work out very well. "I was ready to go and would have been there in time, but then I met him. Um, that's Sirius Black. You know - is it okay if he spends the night with us?" The last sentence was stuttered out and a bit too fast and Remus lowered his head. He still felt guilty and feared that his father would scold him or - even worse - wouldn't allow Black to come with them because of it.

His dad, however, eyed the boy next to him, noticing Black’s dirty and crumpled clothes and the tiredness in his face. Black looked up.

"All right, you can explain it to me tomorrow. Get in the car.”

Mentally, Remus thanked his father for his instinct as Black, still bleary with sleep, got into the car and they drove off. Meanwhile, it had gotten dark and as they drove through the forest, unpleasant memories welled up in him. He hated having to go through the forest at night.

Black had fallen asleep again despite the bumpy road. He seemed to be completely exhausted. Remus watched him for a while, feeling like a voyeur. He wasn't supposed to watch anyone sleeping.

* * *

The next morning, Remus woke up early. Since it was summer, the sun was already in the sky and shone on his face brightly, so that he had to hold a hand in front of his eyes, got up and walked with bare feet out of his room and into the bathroom. His father was also up. He heard clattering from below, which meant that his dad was probably setting the table. Remus' stomach rumbled. He hadn't eaten much the night before, he’d just wanted to go to bed quickly.

Suddenly, he stopped in front of the bathroom door.

Black. In his morning routine he had completely forgotten that they had taken him in.

Slowly, he opened the door, went to the bathroom and combed through his hair a few times, even though it didn't improve by much, and brushed his teeth. When he went downstairs, the first thing he had to do was explaining to his father what had happened to Black. He probably didn't have to explain it anymore, though, because it was obvious that he was a runaway. He just hoped his father wouldn't send Black back to his parents because Remus felt that Black wouldn't stay there for long anyway - and he didn't want him to disappear.

Full of vigour, he spat the toothpaste into the sink. Since when was Black so important to him? Well, it wouldn't become boring with him and for some reason Remus was dying to show him the area.

He stamped down the stairs. His father had made scrambled eggs and bacon and the smell was already wafting through the house.

"Good morning."

"Morning," Remus replied, then sat down at the table with his dad.

"Hasn't your friend woken up yet?” Remus shook his head. "Well, he seemed to be quite exhausted.” His father looked at him with dark brown eyes, the same ones Remus remembered since his early childhood. "So?” Remus stared awkwardly at his plate. He didn't know what to say. His dad prodded, "How long will he stay?”

"I don't know how long he wants to stay."

"And how long do you want him to stay?

Remus choked on his scrambled eggs which he had hungrily shoved into his mouth.

"Um ..."

"But don’t worry!” His father stopped him with a wave of his hand and smiled. "He can stay as long as he wants. One more eater won’t deplete our storage room."

Remus blushed because he knew that his father was once again alluding to his great appetite. He couldn’t do anything against it.

"Thanks, dad."

* * *

After breakfast Remus waited another hour and then decided to go upstairs and wake Black up.

He halted in front of the door, took a quick breath and then quietly opened it by a crack. Nothing happened. Black still seemed to be asleep. Remus opened the door fully and looked at the nest of blankets and pillows, which they’d quickly prepared during the night. In the middle of this nest a black mop of hair peeked out, the rest was buried. Remus had to stifle a laugh at the sight. Carefully, he crept closer, then kneeled next to Black and put one hand on the spot where he suspected his shoulder to be. A muffled grumble sounded from beneath the blanket, then the pile of blankets turned around, so that even the last bit of Black disappeared underneath, and stayed there.

Black was definitely a morning grouch. But Remus didn't give up.

He jerked the blanket away from him, which resulted in an outraged groan. Black opened his eyes, looked dazedly around the room until his gaze caught on Remus. Blearily, he blinked.

"Oh, that’s right," he murmured, then he saw the blanket Remus was still holding in his hands. "... blanket?" he asked.

"No. Get up. There's scrambled eggs with bacon downstairs.”

That was of course a reason to get up. Black peeled himself out of the remaining part of the blanket, which must had wrapped itself around his feet during the night.

"Where are my clothes?"

"In the laundry. You can have some of my things if they're not too small for you."

Remus went to his closet and picked out some extra large clothes which Black tried on. It didn't fit him like a glove, but at least it wasn't too tight. Just the pants were too short, but Black rolled them up to his knees anyway and left the top buttons of his shirt open.

Together, they went downstairs. Remus shoveled scrambled eggs and bacon onto a plate and handed it to Black. They sat silently at the table for a few minutes, while Black was eating - the way he was shoveling food into his mouth, it seemed he hadn't eaten anything decent for quite a while - and Remus kept staring into space. Finally, Black pushed the plate away and looked at him.

"Thank you, Lupin." He patted his stomach. "I was starving to death."

Remus didn’t answer immediately. What was he supposed to say? Finally, he asked, "Why didn't you go to Potter? Are you two still fighting?"

He’d probably hit the nail on the head, but Black didn't let anything on.

"Can't I visit my newest friend?" he asked instead. But Remus wasn't satisfied.

"Come off it! If I hadn't seen you by chance, would you’ve even had the idea to come to me?”

Black shrugged his shoulders. Remus sighed, he didn't want to rack his brain about him now.

"Well, now you’re here. By the way, my father said that you could stay as long as you wanted."

Blacks eyes widened.

"Really?” He jumped up. "Wow, thank you!”

With that, he had gone around the table and engulfed Remus in a hug.

"Hey, wait a minute, I - my day said that, not me!"

Black let him go.

"Does that mean you don't want me to stay?"

"Well, I didn’t mean it that way either, I-"

“I’m really not a bother to you?”

Damn, since when did Black ask such things?

"No." 

Black sat down on the chair next to him and glanced at him.

"And now? What are you usually doing during summer?"

"Um ... I read. And go for a walk. Stuff like that." That sounded terribly exciting, didn’t it? Black had to think he had no friends. Which was true. "Um ... let's just go outside, okay? Maybe we can help my dad."

* * *

"Wow, that's more rural than I thought!"

Black hadn't paid much attention to his surroundings last night, nor had he bothered to look at the fields in the dark because he had been busy getting to bed as soon as possible. Now he was astonished while Remus just shrugged his shoulders.

"My dad’s a farmer. He owns the fields."

"Cool.”

Remus didn't know exactly what was supposed to be cool about it, but he didn't ask. If Black had a feud with his family and didn't want to go to Potter, he would probably have to deal with him for the entirety of the holidays. Remus had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, Black being here with him offered him something else to do. Finally someone he could talk to. On the other hand, Remus still thought back to the unpleasant game Potter had initiated, which he hoped Sirius had forgotten.

And, of course, there still was another problem.

Remus sighed as he made out his father on the field. With careful steps he stepped onto the narrow furrow between the rapeseed rows and reminded Black not to step on them accidentally. Black balanced with outstretched arms on the ridge and waved his arms around.

"Like this?" he asked.

Remus just rolled his eyes and went ahead.

The earth under their feet was hard and hot from the merciless sun, but Remus didn't care much. He usually walked barefoot across the fields and paths all summer long. In the beginning, he would always get blisters or small cracks, which started to bleed when he overdid it. But since the beginning of the holidays the skin of his feet had grown thicker so that he didn't mind the soil. Contrarily to Black, who seemed to have difficulties balancing between the plants. Remus lead the way silently.

"You want to help me with my work?" his father asked in surprise when they arrived. Both Remus and his father knew that he could never mean this offer seriously. Field work was hard, and Remus' body was simply no longer made for something like that. Remus knew that and yet he had asked. Why?, he wondered now. Did he want to show Black that he could do other things than learning? That he was strong? What a joke. He should just do what he always did.

Remus briefly looked up at his dad, who was still staring at him puzzled before he had to avert his gaze because of the sun’s brightness.

"'Sorry, we're leaving again." Remus quickly turned around, his face burning. He really would have liked to help his father for once, though.

"Maybe you can prepare lunch for later," his father called after him. Remus just nodded, even if his father might not have seen it, and ran from the field. He should just be himself. No more, no less.

"Lupin?" Black ran after him, but was still careful not to step on the plants.

Remus walked fast. For some reason he was now mad at Black, even though he knew that he couldn't help it at all. Once again, he’d wanted to prove himself. His father would surely want to talk to him about this sometime tonight, when Black wasn’t present.

"Sorry, it was a stupid idea," he mumbled, more to himself than to Black, who was the last one he wanted to tell something like this.

"Why?" Black grabbed his arm. "I think it was nice of you! I’d never ask my parents if I could help them with anything!”

Remus didn't want to turn around, his face still hot. He tried to get himself under control again.

"It's all right. It's not important."

"Not important? Lupin - I can see if there’s something not okay in a family and there is something! So what is it?”

Now Remus turned around and yanked his arm away.

"And what makes you think that I would tell you of all people?” Now he’d done it. He saw something flaring up in Black’s eyes.

"Because ... we’re friends, aren’t we?”

Remus could have said a lot at that moment. But all he could think of were hurtful words. That he didn't trust him as a friend yet, that this label seemed to him like a loose term that had nothing to do with reality. Friendship? Only because Potter wasn’t available at the moment.

But Remus said nothing.

And then Black suddenly spoke up.

"Lupin, wait a minute." Black put his hands on his shoulders, but didn’t hold him in place as he’d done before. "You probably think I don't care about any of this. Your friendship and everything. But it isn't like that, okay? I wouldn't have asked you to be friends if it was. Please," he held his gaze for such a long time that it was almost unpleasant and came so close that Remus backed away at the same time, "give me a chance.”

Remus lowered his eyes the second Black stopped talking. He wanted to say something, but it seemed the cat got his tongue. Maybe that's was why he felt a thick lump in his throat. And so he just nodded, but that seemed to be enough for Black.

"So!” Black rubbed his hands, being his old self again. "What do you want to do?”

* * *

Remus wasn't used to having other people around during the holidays, especially when they were friends. In the end, he had been beating around the bush until Black had tipped him on the shoulder with a grin and told him to do what he usually did - he’d just join him.

At first, they had gone back to the house to get something to drink and eat. Now Black was happily waving the basket of supplies back and forth. Remus wasn't half as happy. In the distance, a few other villagers were coming down the same path as them. Remus lowered his head.

"Hello," Black greeted cheerfully.

Then it was only a short moment. They passed by: two men, a woman and a dog. Without a word of greeting. Only one look filled with ice, but also - although weak and well hidden - fear. The dog, a tall shepherd dog, growled. Remus raised his gaze, looked the animal straight in the eyes and almost immediately the growling turned into a whimper and it chased after his owners. One of the men turned around again and gave him a look to which Remus immediately turned away.

Black had stopped as if rooted to the ground and frowned.

"What the heck was that?" he cursed. Remus simply went on.

They went to Remus' favourite tree, an expanding gnarled willow, and settled in its shade. Out of habit, Remus had taken a book with him - one of the new ones he had bought in the city - and opened the cover.

"What is it about?” Black squatted down next to him. Couldn't he decide whether he wanted to sit or stand? Remus didn’t look up.

"I don't know exactly yet. It's about a woman who's in love with a very dangerous man." Remus turned red. "I don't know anything else either. Sounds pretty ordinary, though."

"Then why did you buy it?”

Remus just shrugged his shoulders. Black wouldn't understand it anyway.

"And why is the man dangerous?"

"He seems to have some secret. Maybe he killed somebody or has a wife and six children, no idea."

Black laughed and Remus looked up.

"Why are you laughing?"

Black wiped a hand over his face.

"Well, I’m laughing about the way you say that! A murderer or a family father - as if that wouldn't make any difference!”

Remus smiled, but then the corners of his mouth fell down again, so he quickly devoted himself to his book. "I’ll read for a while now. Maybe I can tell you more later, okay?”

Black nodded and got up. Remus wondered what he would do now, but he didn't ask.

So while Remus pretended to be absorbed in his book, he watched Black from the corner of his eye. He had seemingly decided to regard the willow as his personal Mount Everest and climbed into the treetop with surprising agility, so that some leaves fell down onto the pages of the book and on Remus' hair.

At some point the leaf rain stopped. Remus glanced up to see what Black was doing and met a pair of black eyes. Black was lying on his stomach on a particularly thick branch that was right above Remus.

Black stared back.

"Is something wrong?

"Nah.” Remus turned to his book again.

"You haven't even gotten over the first page yet."

"I just read slowly."

"I see."

Then suddenly there was a real leaf hurricane, some crackling and rustling, and Black hung himself off the branch with both arms and jumped down. He plopped down next to him, his back leaning against the trunk and so close to Remus that he startled.

"Mind if I read along?" Black didn't wait for an answer, but moved a little closer, so that his left and Remus' right side were pressed up against each other and tilted his head to the side, very close to Remus' shoulder.

It was warm. Too warm, even when they sat in the shade. Remus knew perfectly well that most of the heat in him came from reading a trashy novel for women with Black.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me again :3  
> I hope you'll enjoy this one. Sirius still has no idea what's going on with Remus ...

They came home late. Remus preferred to be home by nightfall, but it was summer, and so the evening was long in coming. He had only noticed that it was so late because he couldn’t read the pages of the book anymore.

Black hadn't been reading with him all the time - of course. He didn't even expect a daredevil like him to be able to concentrate on one thing for hours. At some point, Black had tried out how far he could climb the willow and Remus, who had secretly observed him, had wondered what would happen if this tree had the qualities of the Whomping Willow.

In the end Remus had closed the book - of course with his bookmark in between - and looked up to Black, who was still squatting in the treetop as if it were the most exciting thing in the world. Remus was grateful that he didn't have to offer him any entertainment. He wasn’t used to something like that.

Since they hadn't eaten at noon and were quite hungry, his father had cooked them a meal. Black had pounced on it like a hungry wolf and so had Remus, although he didn't want to draw this comparison with himself.

And his father was staring at him. Piercingly. Remus deliberately ate slowly; he wasn’t afraid of a conversation with his father, but of a conversation in which, as always, he would see that his dad was right and that he’d behaved stupidly. And it was uncomfortable to have to admit that.

While he sent Black up to brush his teeth, Remus cleared the plates from the table. His father leaned against the counter.

"So, what’re you doing tomorrow?" he asked in a neutral tone.

"I don't know yet."

"What did you do today?”

"Reading. Stuff like this, nothing special.”

His father watched him for a while.

"Don't behave different than you are, Remus," he then said. "That’s of no use and will only embarrass you. Or are you ashamed of what kind of person you are?”

Remus took his time until he’d put the last plate in the dishwasher, then he turned around to his dad.

"I already know that it was stupid. You don't have to tell me anymore.”

His dad smiled slightly.

"Don't worry, Remus. He’ll also like you as you are, believe me.”

"Yeah, sure ..."

As he’d said, uncomfortable. Remus put the cutlery in the basket.

"Good night."

"Night."

* * *

Remus was awakened by a kick in his face. As he jumped awake, shocked, Black’s foot fell from his shoulder and rolled onto his mattress. Remus grumbled and rubbed his face, then just sighed. It hadn’t been intentional, he noticed, when he had somewhat shaken off the tiredness. Black was still asleep. In the night, Black had somehow managed to wrap his blanket completely around himself, but his naked legs were sticking out from it and one of them - the one which had kicked him - was now partly on Remus' bed. Remus stared at it for a while, but Black only snored contentedly and muttered in his sleep.

Remus, who was suddenly wide awake, decided to dress, go downstairs and have some breakfast. When you were woken up like that, you couldn't fall asleep so easily anymore.

When Remus came into the kitchen after a short detour to the bathroom, he realized that his dad was probably already at work. A look at the old grandfather clock showed him why. It was fucking late. Remus stared at the clock for a moment. He never got up so late and would always have breakfast together with his dad. Why had he slept for so long?

A noise made him turn around.

Black was apparently up. He shuffled down the stairs and sleepily rubbed his face, raking a hand through his hair.

"Already awake?" Remus asked in greeting.

"Hm ..." Black wasn't very responsive yet. "What's for breakfast?" he mumbled.

"I don't know yet. My dad’s already out.”

Remus looked around the kitchen and decided to make plain toast. He wasn't hungry anymore. Meanwhile, Black leaned against the kitchen table and watched him out of partly opened eyes. Remus noticed that he was still wearing his sleeping clothes.

"Don't you want to go and change your clothes? I'll take care of breakfast."

Remus was relieved when this request actually seemed to arrive at Black's brain. When he had disappeared upstairs, tension fell from Remus’ shoulders, which he only noticed when it wasn’t there anymore. Remus looked at the edge of the table that Black had been leaning against. It seemed to him that he was still standing there, in the sloppy shirt and the shorts that Remus' dad had lent him.

The shorts. Suddenly, Remus thought of his legs, his legs sticking out, thin yet muscular. Remus knew this was from his Quidditch training. A strange, constricting feeling spread all over his chest and he looked up at the stairs, suddenly feeling as if caught in the act.

And then suddenly this thought. The game. This one game that had changed everything, at least Remus felt it had, even though for Black it had been just one kiss of many.

Oh Merlin. Remus could still evoke this one feeling as if it had been yesterday.

With a clack, the bread slices shot out of the toaster and just distracted Remus so much that he managed to push the thoughts aside. Just enough to be able to look into Black’s eyes again.

* * *

"So, what are we doing today?"

It was amazing how quickly Black could wake up. Even though he’d looked tired and sleepy half an hour ago, now he was fit as a freshly enchanted broom: Expectantly, he looked over his toast at Remus.

"Uh ..." Remus wasn't good at keeping other people busy. Especially not in such a way that it was entertaining. He’d hoped that Black would at least wait until after breakfast before asking him. No such luck.

"Um, well, I," Remus stuttered and gave up. "I don't know. What would you like to do?”

But instead of being disappointed, as he had expected, Remus saw a joyful glint in Black’s eyes.

"Is there by any chance a river or a lake here?"

* * *

Black was definitely the kind of person who was not only too happy, but also constantly tried to infect other people with it. Remus found it a bit strange that he even seemed to succeed at that.

There was a lake nearby. And also a river that flowed into the lake and out again. Remus was rarely there. They had packed a basket with food and had left the house. Black had taken the basket from him and was happily skipping ahead, even though he had no idea where he was going, and so he jumped back and around him every few minutes and asked for the way. Every time Remus had given him an answer or pointed his finger in the right direction, he would run ahead again, but never too far. He kept glancing over his shoulder. Like a dog, Remus thought, who wants to make sure that his owner is still with him.

The river came into sight first. Black let out a loud cry of joy and Remus was glad that the fields had long since changed to untouched nature and therefore nobody was nearby (well, he wasn’t happy only because of that).

Black ran back to him and pressed the basket into his hand.

"Hold this for a minute," he said needlessly, even though he’d already let go of the basket and had rushed off again towards the river. Remus sighed and followed him slowly. He watched Black take off his shoes and socks on the riverbank, then roll up his trousers up to his knees and wade into the water. Remus shivered. The water was probably not particularly warm.

"Lupin!" Black waved at him. "Come on in!"

Remus just shook his head. They had come here to swim of course, but he preferred the quiet lake to the river with its slippery stones which had become smooth from the constant current and were almost inviting someone to slip on them. He was just about to say that to Black, but then it had already happened: Black had just wanted to beckon him over with a smile on his face as that same smile was wiped off within a second. At the same moment, Remus saw Black tip over - his foot suddenly hung loose in the air and his face had a strangely surprised expression - then water splashed and Black was lying in the water, struggling and snorting.

Remus waited quietly until Black had picked himself up again. Somehow he found it a pity that Black’s good mood would now have disappeared.

But Black laughed. Bewildered, Remus stood on the shore. Black laughed and stroked the wet black strands of his hair from his face, snorted and shook himself like a wet dog, even if it didn't help. The water stuck his clothes to his body and so he took off his shirt and waded out of the river without hesitation. Remus held a hand in front of his face so as not to get too much water on himself and then peeked out between his fingers. Quickly, he turned his gaze away.

"Hey, Lupin!" Black had taken the basket again and grabbed his arm. "Come on!” His hand slipped down to his own one and before Remus knew it, Black dragged him along. Remus had to hurry to keep up and not stumble.

* * *

Black was really a city kid, considering how happy he was about the sight of a simple lake. But Remus didn't want to spoil his mood and endured Black’s excited cheering.

"Are we going swimming now?" Black had put the basket a few meters away from the shore and turned to Remus.

"If you want to-"

"Yes!”

Black took off his pants without hesitation, threw them behind himself and ran to the water dressed only in boxer shorts. Remus watched as he slowed down a bit at the shore, careful not to slip this time, and then, when he was only a few steps in, let himself drop into the water. Remus himself approached the whole thing a little more calmly. He had never been particularly enthusiastic about water before, but it had been Black's idea, and since he himself had no better suggestion, he had agreed to this.

"Lupin! Where are you?"

Remus sighed and undressed before he went to the shore as well. Black squatted in the water like a frog and looked at him with equally frog-like eyes. But as soon as Remus had set his first foot in the water, he got splashed with a big load of water.

"Hey!" he complained to Black, who was the culprit, but only grinned at him.

"It’s only water!”

"Uh-huh."

Black didn’t let that spoil his mood. He let himself fall backwards into the water and swam a few meters further by kicking the water with his legs. The fact that he was splashing Remus even more didn't seem to bother him. Time to just put his head under water, Remus thought, then he’d have no reason to splash him anymore. Although when the water reached to his hips, Remus decided to leave it at that. He didn't want to go too far. Feeling slightly cold - it might have been hot this time of the year, but the lake would probably never warm up - he stopped in the water at a place where he had a good grip and looked for Black.

He didn't find him.

Well, here and there the lake had a few turns behind which Black might have disappeared but they were too far away for him to have reached them so quickly. Maybe he was diving?

Remus looked into the distance in search of black hair that had to reappear at some point. He knew Black could hold his breath for a long time - after all, he was crazy enough to swim out quite far and deep even in the lake at Hogwarts.

Suddenly, there was movement beside him. He startled, but then he recognized Black who was diving right next to him. In the next second, something grabbed his leg and suddenly the floor slipped away from his feet. He yelled, a little too girly not to be embarrassing, then he got water in his mouth. He swallowed and coughed, wanted to inhale, but there was only more water and he flailed around. Then his legs were free again and he was pulled up. Panting, he struggled for air.

Black stood behind him, grinning, but also worried. Nevertheless, he yelled at him, "You idiot! Do you want me to drown?"

Black raised his hands defensively. "Hey, don’t worry, it's not deep here."

Remus knew that himself. If it had been deeper, Black wouldn't have got off so lightly either.

"You can do that alone!” He turned around and walked out of the water.

"Lupin?" Black called after him. Remus couldn't place the tone in his voice - anger, confusion, disappointment? It didn't matter.

Black didn’t follow him. No surprise. Remus spread out their blanket and laid down on it. They weren't friends. Black had hinted that he was important to him, but what did that mean? As if any of these idiots had any idea of what friendship really meant. Remus laid his hand on his forehead and closed his eyes. Well, he had overreacted, he knew that. He also knew why. He looked up at the sky. Almost no clouds. It looked really innocent, but Remus hated this weather the most. It ruined any possible delay.

He stood up and looked out at the lake, leaning on his elbows. Black did a few laps in the water, a blurry dark spot. Hopefully he didn't need glasses, then he would have perfected the nerd image.

He’d just closed his eyes and watched the colorful spots of light behind his eyelids as a yell startled him. Confused, he looked around until he noticed Black, who had come out of the water in the meantime and jumping around on one leg while holding his foot, cursing. Was there something red?

Remus stood up, worried, but still angry at him.

"What did you do?" he asked when he arrived at his side.

"Fricking hell!” Black’s hopping around looked pretty stupid. "Untouched nature, my ass! I stepped into a goddamn piece of glass!"

Only now did Remus recognize the small, but obviously very sharp piece of glass that was still stuck in the bottom of Black’s foot.

"But you haven't come up with the idea of pulling it out yet, have you?”

"But that would hurt!”

Remus sighed. Black had no idea what really hurt. Black sat down on the spot and held his foot out to Remus.

"Please," he looked at him again with puppy eyes, "can't you do this?”

The smell of blood reached Remus’ nose. Quickly, he turned away. Not that he would have attacked Black or anything like that, but it would have been a little strange if his stomach had growled at the sight of Black's foot while he threw up at the same time.

"Don’t chicken out," he repeated Black’s words. "You can do that yourself.”

He turned away. Black was surely disappointed, but for now he didn't care. He felt sick.

A quiet hiss indicated that Black was finally pulling the shard out of his foot. Relieved, Remus released his breath.

"Come on, let's see what we can bandage your foot with." Remus hurried back to the blanket, only to escape the smell of blood for a while. Black followed him, limping. Remus actually had something to use, even if it was just napkins. "Here.”

He held the napkins out to him. Black looked at him critically.

"Are you afraid of blood or something?”

Bingo. Remus hesitated a second too long for him to be able to give a believable answer, so he decided not to say anything at all.

Now Black was also upset. He didn’t say anything as he accepted the napkins and began to bandage his foot unprofessionally. He looked anything but concentrated. Remus watched him for a while as he tried to wrap the makeshift bandage around his foot and try to tie a knot.

"You're doing it wrong, you know that?" Remus said, annoyed.

"Can you do it better?"

A stab. Remus often felt something like that, right in his chest. Normally, it happened when people dodged him for what he was. But by now the feeling had long since become numb and he was surprised to find it again in this place. Involuntarily, he grabbed at his chest.

"Oh, give me that." He pushed Black’s hand aside.

Remus tried not to breathe through his nose while he bandaged Black and was relieved when he was done. Black looked at him a little worried.

"Everything okay with you? You look kind of ... green."

"No, no, everything's fine." Remus turned away and stretched out on the blanket. Slowly, the smell of blood dissipated. Black had probably forgiven him for his strange behavior and lay down next to him.

"You don’t wanna swim?" he asked then.

"Not really."

"Well, then I'll stay with you.”

"Why? You can go swimming!”

"Nah, don’t want to." Black took a chocolate bar from the basket next to them, stretched himself and closed his eyes. "It's quite comfortable here, isn't it?”

Remus knew perfectly well that Black, being a water lover, would have preferred nothing more than to jump into the lake. And yet he stayed with him. Incomprehensible.

Since neither of them spoke a word anymore and each of them dwelled on their own thoughts, Remus couldn’t prevent his own ones from concentrating on one particular thing. No matter how hard he tried, it kept pushing itself into the foreground.

It was summer, but somehow he wasn't in the mood for it. That was probably because even in summer there were these ice-cold nights.


	6. Chapter 6

Remus felt cold. In the evening, the heat of the day had crept away slowly, but it wasn't really the temperature that was measurable for everyone that sent shivers over his skin. He sat in the kitchen and looked out the window. He’d watched it slowly getting dark while the sun disappeared behind the fields and even the few clouds had vanished from the sky. A starry night. Not for the first time Remus wished he was in one of his novels and could enjoy the sight rather than fear it.

Black had just gone upstairs to get ready for bed and Remus was glad to have a moment alone for himself. His father would also come home soon - there had been trouble with the neighbours again, no rare occurrence on those nights - and he would scold him for still sitting there.

When this thought occurred to him, Remus got up and looked up the stairs.

"Black?” For some reason he only whispered, but it was enough. A black mop of hair, together with the matching toothpaste-smeared face, appeared at the top of the staircase.

"Hm?" Remus thought he felt something wet landing on his cheek.

"I have to go out and help my father for a moment. Go back to sleep, it may take longer."

"Wait, I'll come with you," Black shouted and some more toothpaste fell down which Remus quickly evaded.

"Not necessary!” He didn’t look Black in the eyes. "We can do it alone and you’ve already changed clothes anyway!”

He turned around in the hope that Black wouldn’t follow him. And indeed, when he turned around at the door, he realized that Black was still upstairs and wasn't hurrying after him. Relieved, he closed the door behind himself and set off. It was pitch dark outside by now, but Remus knew it wouldn't be long before the moon rose and the fields were bathed in white light, so he quickened his pace.

His dad met him, looking exhausted. Remus only met his eyes briefly.

"I’m gonna get the car keys.” His dad disappeared into the house.

The car keys. He could have gotten them, Remus noticed. Hopefully, Black had already gone to sleep. He would have to come up with some excuse for not returning to his room all night. But that could wait. His body was already stiff with tension.

"Let's go!” His dad was back again, smiling at him. Remus knew that he wanted to cheer him up and smiled back, but he felt like vomiting. Soon it would be over, he tried to tell himself.

At least until the next full moon.

They got into the car and his dad drove off, through the woods through which they had went a few days before. But instead of going in the direction of the city, he turned off at one point. The road got bumpier and after a while the asphalt made way for the forest floor. Remus was jolted around and every time the car’s tires drove over a particularly thick tree root, they made a leap forward.

Finally, they halted. His father got out, walked around the hood and opened the door for Remus.

"I'll pick you up again tomorrow morning.” A hug, a wave with his hand, then he turned around again and got in the car. Like two days ago when he dropped him off at the bus stop. Remus watched as he drove off and the car vanished jumpily between the forest’s dark trees.

He felt cold. Nevertheless, he took off his jacket, then the T-shirt he was wearing underneath, his shoes, his trousers and underwear, placed them neatly folded on the forest floor and looked for a large distinctive stick, which he rammed into the damp earth so that he would find his things again later. He lifted his nose into the air and took a deep breath. No one here far and wide. Slowly, the moon rose above the black tree tops.

* * *

Remus woke up when he heard the car’s familiar rumbling. Without moving, he remained lying on the floor, his eyes only opened by a crack, and waited for his dad to arrive. When he’d turned back again at dawn, he had barely managed to find the place where his clothes were and had put his jacket over his shoulders before falling asleep from exhaustion.

Now his jacket was taken away from him, but immediately replaced by a warm and soft blanket. Wrapped up like this, Remus didn't protest when his dad lifted him onto his arms and closed his eyes and leaned against him. He was put on the back seat, waited until his dad had collected his things and drove off. Only then did he allow himself to fall asleep.

* * *

"Good morning! Have you finally woken up?"

Remus blinked drowsily. Who had said something? That wasn't his dad’s voice. He raked a hand through his hair, rubbed his eyes and tried to prop himself up on one arm, but he was still too weak for that. Only then did his brain start to work.

"Uh, good morning," he mumbled in the absence of a better answer and yawned. Hopefully, Black had still been asleep when his father had brought him back here.

Except one glance at Black's face informed him about the opposite.

"Where were you last night?” Black’s eyes were glinting with curiosity.

"Uh.” Remus didn't meet his eyes while he told him the story of the lie he’d made up the night before. "So, uh, I told you yesterday that I had to go out and help my dad. We needed to bring something to someone in the neighbor village. And on the way back our car broke down. It took ages until we were here again."

"And what did you need to deliver?”

"Uh ..." Remus hesitated a second too long. Black stared at him.

"I've told you before that you're a bad liar, Lupin."

"What? But-"

Black rolled his eyes.

"You were gone yesterday, but I still saw your dad coming in. And this morning he came in with you in his arms. So don't try to feed me that nonsense." He poked his side, but apart from that he looked at him completely seriously. "You're weird, you know that? Making a secret out of everything." He huffed, then grinned. "But I'll find out what you’re hiding.”

He didn’t prod him any further. But as Remus knew him, he would return to the topic sooner or later. With a look at the clock he noticed that it was already noon. Black would become even more suspicious if he stayed in bed too long, so he tried to get up. But as soon as he’d stood up, Black pushed him back again.

"You’re staying in bed!"

"But-"

"No buts." He tucked him in again and crossed his arms. "I don't know why, but you look sick and sick people should stay in bed."

Remus tried to answer, but then closed his mouth. Black wanted him to stay in bed? If he got up, it would only harm him, so why should he fight against it?

"All right, if you insist."

Black looked happy, a big grin creeping on his face.

"Good!” He clapped his hands together. "What would you like for breakfast?"

* * *

Black was downright taken up in mothering him. About fifteen minutes after Remus had placed his 'order', he’d returned to their room with a tray, closed the door with his foot (of course the one that hadn't had a piece of broken glass in it) and sat down next to Remus on the edge of the bed. It was easily noticeable that Black wasn't used to preparing breakfast, but apart from the slightly burnt scrambled eggs it was to Remus’ liking. He felt starved anyway. Black was silent the entire time he was eating.

When he was finished, Black took the tray and got up.

"I'll be right back! And don’t you dare to get up, okay?” He waggled his finger and Remus had to grin.

"Yeah, thanks mom.”

Black tilted his head.

"Where is she anyway?" he asked suddenly.

"Who?"

"Your mom.”

The grin on Remus' face disappeared as quickly as it had come. Black pressed on.

"Is your father divorced?"

Remus shook his head. "No. My mother is dead."

"Oh." Black probably didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's not like it’s your fault." Remus looked away, fixing his eyes on his bedspread.

"I'll, uh, I'll just take this away now."

Black left. Remus heard him working in the kitchen and again he wondered why Black cared so much for him. All those years he'd spent at Hogwarts, during which they had been not so much friends than enemies, nobody cared how he was doing. And Black had always been far too busy with his woman affairs. He heard footsteps on the stairs and closed his eyes.

This time Black was more quiet as he came into the room. Remus heard him carefully close the door behind him and approach his bed again.

"Should I let you sleep?"

Remus opened an eye. "Dunno if I can sleep."

"Just try to. I’ll find something to do."

Remus closed his eyes again. He really tried to fall asleep. But somehow he couldn't while Black was sitting next to him on the floor, rummaging about or walking around. He was about to suggest that he go outside and explore the area for a while, but something kept him from doing so. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to the side.

Black had his back leaned against his bed and was intently reading a book. When he took a closer look, he recognized the novel as the one they’d read together. Why did Black read something like that? He briefly wondered if he should take the book from him because it was invading his privacy. On the other hand, he didn't want to give Black any reason to tell Potter about it.

Speaking of Potter. Why wasn't Black with him? Those two would’ve certainly had much more fun together during the holidays than here in this wasteland. And was it really a coincidence that Black had just shown up in the nearby town?

Of course, brooding like this didn’t help with falling asleep.

"Black." Finally, Remus had given up and now carefully sat up. "If you’re bored, you don't have to read that.”

"And what am I supposed to do then?” Black tilted his head back and looked up at him with a grin.

"We could play wizard chess or something."

"Weren't you going to sleep?"

"Yeah. But I can't. - Come on, give me that." He pointed at the book. He didn't even have to read a whole sentence to see what the two protagonists were up to.

"Oh, I see.” Black’s eyes twinkled mischievously and he grinned even wider. "You’re embarrassed."

"No! I just don't want that-" He almost gave himself away. Remus felt the blush spreading on his cheeks. "Just give it back, okay?"

"Hm ..." Black seemed to think about it while he held the book an arm’s length away from him so Remus couldn't grab it. "And what would I get for it?”

"Nothing, of course! Black! Now give it-" He leaned forward and reached for the book, but Black moved it away and Remus leaned even further down. Then it happened: He lost his balance and fell out of the bed, straight on Black's legs who dropped the book at the same moment. Remus heard the dull sound as it collided with the floor and quickly grabbed it. Angrily, he noticed that a few pages were crinkled, then tried to get up again, but Black prevented him from doing so by holding him in place. But as if he’d poisoned himself he immediately let go of him, gingerly pushed Remus away and got up.

Without looking at him, he said, "Man, I'm so bored!" He sighed and turned to the door. "I’m, um, I’ll be outside for a while. You get plenty of rest, okay?" And left.

Remus was still hanging half out of the bed.

* * *

After Black had left, Remus had actually been able to sleep a little, but not for long. So when he woke up for the second time that day, he grabbed the book Black had had in his hands and read it. Just like he had suspected while in the bookstore, the story was nothing special and it was just about the characters doing it. He had only bought it because it had been on sale. That's why he soon found reading too boring and put the book aside, tried to sleep again, realized that it didn't work, turned around, stared at the ceiling and occasionally at the door. Surely, Black would come back soon.

But he didn't. Remus hadn't paid attention to the time, but after what felt like hours just lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, he finally got up. His bones still hurt from last night's transformation, but he was used to it and so it wasn't too difficult to move down the stairs.

The house was deserted. Not unusual because his father was spending most of his day on the field. Nevertheless, he suddenly felt uncomfortable in the empty kitchen, just as if he’d expected Black to sit at the kitchen table and begin to chat with him. Another look out the window, then he pulled himself together, put on his shoes and went looking for Black.

The sun was high in the sky. It was the hottest time of the day. Remus wiped a hand over his forehead and looked over the adjacent field, where he discovered his father driving his tractor over the dry earth. He closed his eyes. At the same moment he saw the tractor come to a standstill. From a distance, he heard his father's alarmed outcry before the machine finally stopped. Remus hurried to him.

"What happened?" he asked when he arrived, out of breath.

His dad, who had by now dismounted and inspected the tractor, looked up.

"What are you doing here? You should be in bed!” He sighed. “Well, you must know what’s best for you.”

"What happened?" Remus asked again, this time more worried. His father twisted his mouth.

"Do you see that?” He pointed to the track behind him which the tractor had made in the field. On closer inspection, Remus recognized small black drops slowly seeping into the ground. "Must’ve had a hole in the fuel can."

"What?” Remus' mouth fell open. His father grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, towards the house.

"Come on now. I'll take care of it. I’m gonna fix it somehow."

"Dad, you know that's not so easy.”

"I can do it.” He shoved him on.

"Dad ..." Remus looked up at him, then hugged him. "I'm sorry." His dad ruffled his hair.

"Don't talk rubbish, my boy. Now get going!"

Remus turned around, but only because he wanted to leave quickly.

It was even harder for him to go back again, the last bit of strength with which he had left the house before was gone now. He knew that his dad didn’t want to worry him. But Remus didn’t want to worry him either! And it was his fault. That was something so obvious that they didn't even have to talk about it anymore.

* * *

Black came back late. Remus had gone to bed a long time ago. He pretended to be asleep, but even with his eyes closed he could hear how Black came into the room, changed clothes and slipped under the blanket. He wondered where he'd been all day, but didn't dare to speak to him directly. At some point, Black’s breath had become a quiet, even sound in the silence of the room. He was probably still mad at him because Remus was hiding something from him. But that was no secret that bound friends together. Remus stared at the ceiling, even though he could hardly see anything in the dark.

If he hadn't been so stupid back then, Sirius and him might have become friends after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter, please consider leaving a comment. I'm also always open to constructive criticism :3


	7. There’s always a second time

Remus woke up in the middle of the night. He’d heard a noise, but when he listened he could only hear Black’s breathing. Maybe there was something outside, some animal sneaking around the house. It wouldn't stay too long because the smell of a much more dangerous animal was in the air. He turned around again and wrapped himself in his blanket. Even though it was hot he couldn’t sleep without it, he felt naked and the dried sweat of sleep on his skin and Black’s presence did not make this feeling any better.

There. There was sound again. But it didn't come from outside. Remus held his breath.

Next to him, down on the floor where Black was lying on his mattress, he heard the sound again. Black's breath caught, it wasn’t calm as if he was sleeping.

"Are you awake?" Remus whispered in case Black was asleep.

No answer. But the sounds of breathing had paused for a second before Black continued to breathe calmly. Emphasis on calmly.

Why couldn't he sleep? Or what was the problem?

After a few minutes, Remus opened his eyes again, turned on his back and stared at the ceiling. Black had been behaving even stranger than before since yesterday. Remus didn't understand him. First, he had seeked his closeness - _his_ closeness, of all people! - and then he’d distanced himself again.

Remus felt as if he’d overlooked something, but he couldn't think of anything.

"You have to sleep, Black."

He didn't even know why he said that. There was some rustling, then Black turned around.

"That’s rich coming from you." What was that tone in his voice?

"Well, I was asleep until now." Silence. It seemed Black had decided not to answer. Remus struggled with himself for a moment before he asked, "Can't sleep?

Seconds passed before he received an answer.

"Don’t worry. I ... just have to think."

"About what?”

The words came over his lips faster than he’d wanted them to. He didn't even want to know what Black was thinking about. It couldn’t be anything more interesting than planning his next prank or which girl he would hit on next, right?

"I can't tell you."

"Then don't."

Remus tried to fall asleep again, but he only managed to close his eyes. Next to him, there was even more rustling and when he opened his eyes again, Black had kneeled down next to his bed and was staring at him.

"What is it?”

Black looked to the side. His hair was merging with the darkness, but Remus could still see him thanks to his sharpened senses. Black turned his gaze back on him and Remus had to swallow involuntarily.

"I'm sorry about what happened today." Black came closer. "You don't like it when I tease you, do you?"

Remus struggled for an answer, but his head was filled cotton, which he blamed on his tiredness. Black was just way too close.

"Don’t worry about that, I'm used to it. I just don't like it when someone reads my books."

"Are you embarrassed about them?"

"Nonsense! I just don't like it when someone goes through my stuff."

Now he’d dug his own grave. He had meant something completely different, but he really didn't like it when someone went though his stuff, looked at things in his room and maybe came across something that could betray his secret. Remus didn't know what exactly that could be, but he had a panic-stricken aversion to it. And yet he’d now betrayed himself.

The apologetic expression Black had put on had given way to a thoughtful, serious one. Black may not have been particularly empathic, but he was hecking smart and above all stubborn.

"Lupin ... you're not very popular in the village, am I right?"

Remus averted his eyes. Silence was golden.

"When we were outside and these people were coming towards us. They had a dog with them, remember? It pulled in his tail when it saw you." Remus clenched his hands to fists. Black should stop prodding him! "When I came back, your father was sitting at the table. He seemed exhausted."

"Leave me alone, it's none of your business!”

He wanted to get up. It was the middle of the night and he didn't know where to go, but in this room, alone with Sirius Black, he couldn't stay. But Black reached out his hand, grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. Remus resisted, but Black as a Quidditch player was way stronger than himself with his weak body. He pressed Remus onto his own mattress, which was still warm and clammy.

"I’d known before that you weren't very talkative. But before we met here, I thought it was just the way you are. But it's something else, isn't it?"

His gaze was so intense as if he wanted to force the truth out of him. Remus still resisted, pressing his wrists against the rigid grip, but Black's hands didn't ease off even a bit, Remus’ legs were lying useless on the mattress, unable to kick him.

"Lupin, please," Black said. Remus noticed that this was the second time he’d said 'please' to him. Only this time he hadn’t done so with puppy eyes while jumping on one leg, but as if he was really serious.

But Sirius Black had never really been serious about anything.

"Why didn't you go to Potter? Why to me?"

"I've told you before. Because I wanted to see you. After all, we’re friends."

"Don't talk such nonsense!" Remus kicked him and managed to hit Black’s side, but it had hardly any effect. "You just decided that," he hissed. They both knew that his father was sleeping on the floor below.

"Oh, am I a bother to you? You were the one who offered me to stay, weren't you?”

"As if it had made a difference for you if I’d said no!”

"It wouldn’t. Because I want to stay with you."

Remus pausedl. Somehow, that had sounded different. But this was Black kneeling over him. Black, the womanizer who was always adding another name to his list after a successful night and then turned his back on the respective girl. Remus had a bad feeling. It was time to make it very clear to Black that he wanted nothing to do with him, couldn’t have anything to do with him.

"Now stop that stupid 'we're friends' stuff! We aren’t friends, can't you get that into your head?"

"Oh yeah?" Black seemed to be really angry, his grip was now so tight that it was painful, but Remus was used to pain far greater than this. "Then why do you want to know what I'm thinking about? I can see that you are forcing yourself to do something that you don't really want! Do you want to hide from me until we get back to Hogwarts and then bury yourself behind your books again? You're always alone, you can't tell me that you like that!” His voice almost cracked, then he took Remus' arm and held it into the light of the still almost full moon. "And what’s this? These scars!”

"That’s none of your business!” Remus snatched his arm from him, wanted to get away, this time even more than before, but Black prevented him from it. Why did he prod so much?

"Listen, Lupin - Remus.” He had never looked at him so seriously before. Remus couldn't help but look back. "No matter _what_ you are, that doesn't change the fact that I like you."

And then he finally let go of him.

* * *

No matter what you are, it doesn't change the fact that I like you.

This sentence confused Remus. It accompanied him the whole day. Black and he didn't really avoid each other, but they didn't talk to each other either. The content of their sentences wasn't much more than "Can you pass the jam? - Thanks.” Normally something like that wasn't a problem for Remus. After all, he had spent most of his childhood and the last six years in Hogwarts like that, polite to the teachers, friendly, but distant to his classmates. When he’d met Black in town and suggested that he stayed with him for the summer holidays, he had torn down his own walls.

But reality had caught up with him.

Whether Black did or did not know what he was, Remus wasn't sure. It had sounded that way, yes, but like hell he’d go and ask him directly. Strangely enough, it didn't shock him so much that Black might have found out about his secret. He feared more that he would tell someone else. It felt like a déjà vu. Black hadn't told his friends about Remus' embarrassing reading either.

But that was something completely different!

And there was something else that kept him busy since the early morning, something he hadn't experienced before. Black liked him? And strangely enough this triggered associations in Remus that he preferred to quickly banish from his mind. He should buy more sophisticated books in the future.

Speaking of books. Remus just noticed that he hadn't turned a page for quite a while. And why was that? Right. Because of Sirius Black who was squatting on the tree he was leaning against. Every time he moved and grabbed another branch to hold on to, more leaves trickled down on Remus. As soon as he had wiped one off his book, the next one followed as if Black wanted to annoy him.

"Either you come down from the tree or you stop fidgeting all the time," Remus muttered, more to himself than to Black. Black's face appeared so suddenly in front of his that he almost dropped the book from his lap.

"But I'm so bored," he nagged, hanging upside down on the thick branch he'd just been sitting on.

"You can go swimming again." Remus stared hard at the book, even though some of Black's long black hair was blocking his view.

"Will you come with me?"

"I don't like to go swimming."

"Why?

"Just because."

"That's not an answer."

Remus moaned, annoyed, and looked up at him.

"It is like it is. You don’t like A History of Magic, I don’t like swimming. Everyone has things they like or don't like."

"Well, A History of Magic is boring!” Black crossed his arms and swayed his legs. Remus could only hope that he didn't do that too much, after all, he was only hanging on the branch with the backs of his knees. "Well, what do you like?"

"Reading.”

"Teh!” Black swung his legs more violently. "And other than that?”

Remus shrugged his shoulders.

"Gee, Lupin, don't be like that now!"

Black leaped down from the tree and Remus flinched, fearing that he might collide with him, but he managed to steady himself right in front of him. Show-off, Remus thought. Black squatted down.

"Come on. One round through the lake with me, then I'll leave you alone for the rest of the summer. Okay?”

"No."

"You’re really hard to please." Blacks face darkened. "Okay, I guess there's no other way."

And then he did something Remus hadn't expected: He grabbed him and threw him over his shoulder. Remus was so shocked that he dropped his book.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Exactly what it looks like." Black grinned at him, but his determination was palpable. "We're going swimming now."

"What? No!” Remus fought him tooth and nail, but like he had already noticed the night before, he was no match for him. Nevertheless he struggled. Black swayed a little, but went on. They approached a bend of the adjoining forest behind which the lake lay. "You can't carry me to the lake!”

"Let’s see if I can’t."

"Black!” Remus hammered his fists against Black's chest, tried to kick him, but his feet were simply held down. "Put me down now!"

Black grumbled, "For fuck’s sake!”

He let him down, almost dropped him. Remus swayed, then he was grabbed by the collar and smashed against a tree. Black stood right in front of him. He was no longer smiling.

"What by Merlin's balls is it with you? What's so wrong with going swimming? Your book can't be that exciting if you haven't turned a single page of it for more than half an hour!” Remus was silent and kept his head bowed. "Do you hate me so much that you try to get rid of me any way you can think of? Or are you really as boring as you always pretend to be?” He pressed him harder against the tree trunk. "Answer me!”

Remus mumbled something incomprehensible.

"What?” Black lowered his head. "Say it again."

Remus wrapped his arms around his body, he still didn't look up. His voice was very quiet, but clear when he answered, "I can't swim."

* * *

"I don't think that's a good idea."

Remus hesitated at the shore of the lake. Both he and Black were stripped down to their shorts, Black was already up to his knees in the water and turned around to him.

"Now don't be like that! It's still far from deep here and I'll keep an eye on you!"

When he found out that Remus couldn't swim, Black was immediately hooked and had conceived the plan to teach him. Remus didn't know exactly why he had consented to this. He knew he would never be able to learn swimming.

"Come on, Lupin." Black waded through the water towards him and stretched out his hand. Remus hesitated. If he only went as deep as he could stand, nothing could happen, could it? With a queasy feeling in his stomach, he took the hand offered to him and made a few steps forward, deeper into the clear water. He couldn't help but look down and try to cover his body with his free hand. Of course it didn't help, Black could see his scars and he already knew that they existed.

"Well," Black looked at him with a serious look that was supposed to imitate a teacher, "here goes. Stretch out your arms and then you have to move them like this." He imitated a swimming movement. It looked pretty funny in the air and Remus caught himself grinning slightly.

"I know the theory."

Black lowered his arms.

"You do?" He grinned broadly. "Then we can start right away!” With that, he let himself fall into the water. Remus kneeled, so that the waves sloshed up to his chest. He felt pretty stupid about it, but to satisfy Black he unenthusiastically began to pull his arms through the water.

"Well, there you go!” Black looked at him, a smile on his lips. "And now do the same with your legs."

"But then I’ll go down!”

"No, then you’ll swim."

"I can't swim."

Black rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's do this like you were a kid. Come here."

Remus wished he hadn't said anything, because Black had already grabbed him. He lost the balance that he’d painstakingly held on his knees, and Black grabbed his stomach with two hands.

"What are you doing?" Remus' face flared up.

"You see, when I hold you like this you can't go down anymore." His voice didn’t sound as firm as usual. Black bent down a little deeper and shifted his weight in the sand. Remus could see his toes digging into the fine-grained sand. He looked up at him. Black smiled at him. "Come on, swim."

And indeed, even though it was more embarrassing for Remus like anything he had experienced before, he had the feeling of swimming for real for the first time in his life. He made the movements, let his arms slide through the water, paddled with his legs and didn't go down. He knew it was only because Black held him, but for now he didn't want to think about it.

And then he was suddenly released.

He felt the touch disappear from his stomach, ceased to move and saw water sloshing over him, instinctively gasping for air, but swallowing only water. Panic surged in him, his legs kicking wildly through the water. At the same moment that his feet found the ground again, he felt two arms grasping his upper body and pulling him up.

Coughing and with teary eyes he gasped for breath and took a swing at Black. Of course his hand was caught.

"You idiot!" Remus whirled around and wound himself out of his arms. "Why did you let me go?"

Black didn't answer directly, but reinforced the grip around his wrist and then pulled him closer.

"If I didn't, you'll never learn to swim," he said.

Remus stared at him with dripping wet hair. He didn't know whether he should feel like screaming or crying.

"I'll never learn to swim anyway."

He withdrew from his grip and walked past him. He would like to be in dry clothes again. Black called after him and followed him. What else did he expect, that he would finally give up and leave him alone?

"Lupin, I'm sorry!" Black had caught up with him and went around him, looking at him with puppy eyes. But this time it wouldn't work for him. Remus pushed past him a second time and went to his clothes which he had put down in a proper stack a few meters away from the shore.

"Lupin!” He heard Black stomping after him, but he hadn't expected what came next.

Before he could bend down to his clothes, his shoulder was grabbed and he was whirled around, an arm wrapped around him and pulling him closer. Remus’ face heated as he felt their bodies touching.

Black leaned forward. His eyes closed. Remus had often imagined something like that, but not like this. The pressure on his back increased even more and he felt he couldn't take it all in at once, his eyes widened as he realized.

He lost his second kiss to Black.

After a while, Black released him and embraced him tightly. Remus had closed his eyes. Even if he’d have them open, he didn't think he would have been able to see anything with them. Strangely enough, he no longer felt the slightest urge to tear himself away, to throw things at his head - verbally or physically- or to think of anything at all. The first time it had just been a game, but this was serious for Black. A strangely unexpected feeling of happiness spread through him.

Slowly, Remus leaned against him.

Black’s hand brushed his back, touching one of his many scars as if by chance. Breath grazing his ear, Black whispered, "My smart werewolf."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid confusion: Back when I wrote this fic, I had the headcanon that werewolves can't swim.  
> So, a kiss. All is well ... or is it?


	8. Trying

"My smart werewolf."

Remus' heart stopped, just like that. A short jerk, as if it were divided into two, then he broke loose. The warmth that had spread between their bodies disappeared as quickly as it had come. He stared at Black. Into those black eyes, which confronted him with this knowledge.

"I-" He never finished that sentence. Remus turned on his heel, felt the hot sand digging between his wet toes, and ran away.

Black didn't follow him. Remus didn't know why, and he didn't care. He never wanted to see him again.

In the shade of his favourite tree he stopped, took a breath that suddenly seemed so hot and humid to him that he thought he was suffocating. There was no escape, he knew that. Black _knew_ , and soon the whole school would, too. The little trust he had placed in him had been wrong. He had only to blame himself. Why had he succumbed to him? His fingers clawed into the bark of the old tree until they hurt.

Had he simply been too careless? Had he made some kind of mistake that had shown Black what he really was? But the only mistake he had made was to cave in.

His fingers slid down the rough bark and he leaned his head against it.

All of a sudden, he felt so tired.

* * *

At some point, Remus was sick of sitting under the tree. He wondered what to do now. Just going home? Sooner or later Black would show up there - or maybe he already was. Remus just didn’t want to see him. It was no use whether he was there or not, he was fucked in every way.

Remus paused and stared over the yellow fields. Slowly, his hand wandered up to his face until, very carefully, he touched his lips with two fingers. Black had kissed him. Twice. What had that been for?

As an apology? Black had always had something dog-like about him that made him do big and cute puppy eyes, so he could look at you mercilessly from below. But that wasn't it. The way Black had pressed himself against him - and the way Remus had repricocated - Remus felt a blush heating his face and suddenly his body felt heavier than usual.

No, he definitely couldn't go back.

* * *

He felt so stupid.

The tree trunk in his back, his knees pulled up and his head on top of them: He had been sitting like that for hours. The sun was already setting while Remus watched it silently. He didn't want to go home, but he didn't want to run away either. He was too reasonable to even consider such a thing. And so he had been indecisive for hours about what to do. He had already considered casting an Obliviate on Black, but there were several reasons why he couldn't do that. He would feel terrible to do something like this to him when Remus was the one to blame for this crisis. And he also didn't know how long Black had been carrying this knowledge around with him.

"I knew you were here."

He jumped, believing it was Black, but it was only his father instead. Worry was written all too clearly on his face as he squatted down in front of him.

"What is going on? It’s already late. You always come home before it gets dark.” His father raised his chin a little so that he could meet his eyes. "Your friend suddenly stood in the doorway. He seemed upset. Has anything happened between you two?" Remus shook his head. "You know, you can tell me anything, anything you want. But maybe it's better you settle it among yourselves."

With that, he wanted to pull him up.

"No!” Remus exclaimed. Surprised, his father mustered. Remus avoided his gaze. "I mean ... yeah. Okay.”

Everything in him resisted, but he didn't know what to do. On the way home, he mumbled so quietly that his father probably didn’t hear it, "I'm sorry."

* * *

The house was cold. Normally, Remus loved to cool off here in those hot summer days. But this time he shivered. Worried, he glanced up the stairs. Black had to be up there. He didn't want to face him yet.

"Now go on." His father gently pushed him forward.

"But dad", Remus lowered his head guiltily, "he _knows_."

His father halted, then shook his head.

"Whatever happened, he came back here, didn't he? And when I saw him, he didn’t seem angry, but rather ... desperate.” He put a hand on Remus’ shoulder, smiled at him. "I’m certain he wants to apologize. Keep a cool head, then everything will be alright."

Keep a cool head? Black had found out his greatest secret. How could he stay calm? But despite everything, he knew there was no way around it. Every step he took seemed like a mile to him.

At the top of the stairs he found his door only half closed. A crack had remained open from which a strip of bright light fell from the room into the dark corridor. Remus swallowed and then hesitantly opened the door.

Black was sitting on his mattress, looking up as he entered.

What had he expected? That Black would jump at him immediately, or that he was scared at the sight of him and escaped through the window? Of course not, otherwise he wouldn't wait here and stare at him with wide eyes.

It was Remus' mind that thought that. The rest of him wanted to turn on the heel and run away.

"Remus.” Careful, as if Remus was an animal you shouldn't scare away, Black rose from his place on the mattress, but didn't approach him. Remus clenched his fists as the only equivalent that came to him against running away. He tried to read Black’s thoughts - was there fear? Or disgust?

"I'm sorry."

Black still watched him with those dark eyes. Remus was confused.

"... sorry? Why?"

"I must have scared you." His mouth twitched, a quick sign of a smile. Then he lowered his gaze, looked around Remus' room, then outside, just not directly at him. "I’d known it for a long time. Well, no.” He sighed. "That's not true. Let's say I suspected it. But only when your father brought you back that night did it become clear to me. It was obvious".

"Obvious?" Remus let the word melt on his tongue, hardly able to continue speaking. "Will you tell Potter about it?"

"Not if you don't want it." Black turned his head, met his gaze straight on nd bit his lip.

Remus turned away, suddenly feeling a strange tingling down his spine. He noticed Black approaching.

"What's all this about?" The trembling he had tried to suppress now gained the upper hand. It was just too much for him. "Why are you doing all of this? Wanting to be my friend, even running after me all the way to my home and-" He broke off, blushing.

Black was silent. Remus didn't know what he wanted to hear either. It was one of those situations you had somehow maneuvered yourself into and couldn't get out of. One of those situations that he hoped would be over as soon as possible so that he could just go on living like before.

But that day had changed everything. Never before had anyone known his secret. It would never be the same again.

Suddenly, two sunkissed arms sneaked around him. He made a frightened sound, but Black pulled him in and buried his face between Remus' shoulder blades.

"Black! What - what are you doing?" And then he remembered - not that he hadn't remembered before, but the fact that Black knew about his illness had stifled them - he remembered what Black had done down by the lake. He remembered exactly how it had felt. And now that touch, he could feel it so clearly. Taking all his courage together, he asked again, "What are you doing, Black?"

Black laughed quietly. He felt it vibrating between his shoulder blades.

"You may be inexperienced, but you can answer that yourself."

"You know exactly what I mean!” Remus tried to free himself from the embrace, but Black wouldn't let go. "Okay, then let me ask this: _Why_ are you doing this?”

"Hmm ... because I love you?"

Well, that rendered Remus speechless for a moment. Then he remembered who exactly was standing behind him and sputtered, "Says the one who keeps a tally sheet about his exes. Stop playing these games!"

"I’m serious.”

"You’re never serious about anything!” He broke loose, but Black grabbed his arm and pulled him back to himself, although without hugging him again.

"Well, then let it be the first time." He held him tighter. Remus immediately realized what he was about to do - which was kissing him, for the third time. He wanted to break free again, but Black’s grip was unyielding. Anger and despair rose up in him and he did the only thing that came to his mind at that moment.

Remus slapped him.

He stumbled back to the door, his breath going fast. Black held his left cheek with an expression of disbelief on his face. Then he grinned.

"I'm impressed. No one’s ever dared to do that to me."

Remus gasped, "Because I’m not a girl! Don’t you get that, Black? I don't know if you're blind or something, but I'm not a girl!" He nearly yelled out those last words.

"I know that." Black let go of his cheek again, a red spot beginning to spread there. "But I wanted to do it anyway."

"But _I_ didn't!”

"Are you sure about that?" Black’s grin, which he thought was irresistible because he thought _he_ was irresistible, came back. And it was true, most of the girls in Hogwarts were lying at his feet. Black approached him again - Remus wanted to retreat, but couldn't because he had the door in his back.

"You’re such an idiot, Black. This stupid game of Potter has gone to your head,” he said.

"Maybe that's how it started." Black's smile disappeared and something shifted in his eyes. Remus had never seen that expression before and he couldn't place it. "But I couldn't stop thinking about it. And ... I wanted to do it again."

Remus suddenly remembered that night during which he’d overheard a conversation between Potter and Black. Black had changed, Potter said, and Black had said that he felt strange. But what did that mean to him? And then he’d stood up for him at the lake when Potter had embarrassed him in front of half of Hogwarts with a single spell. If Black weren't Black, Remus would at least have admitted to himself that he liked him. And with what Black had done now, he’d have admitted to himself that he did more than just like him.

But it was Black. Black, the womanizer. Black, who didn't care as long as he had his fun. Black, who had uncovered his secret and no matter how much he reassured him he wouldn’t, Remus was sure he would also betray it if it was to his advantage.

How could he have trusted him?

Slowly, Remus' hand creeped towards the door handle. His father would try to stop him and sooner or later he would have to come back here. But at that moment he just wanted to get away - away from Black and away from this situation that was far too difficult for him. His fingers touched the cold metal.

"Don’t!” Black had realized what he was up to, bridged the last few inches between them and prevented him from turning around and pushing down the handle. He grabbed his shoulder. "Don't run away." He held his gaze, like a dog, but not begging this time. "What else do I have to do for you to believe me?”

Remus huffed, but didn’t answer and stared past him. He simply couldn’t look at him directly, he was way too close.

"Are you still thinking about this?” Black asked. “That I found out that you - well, about your problem?” As Black spoke, Remus suddenly felt a slight movement on his shoulder. Black's hand was slowly sliding down his shoulder to his arm. "Do you think I said that to annoy you? Or to blackmail you?" His fingers had now arrived at Remus’ hand, remaining there for a moment and then sliding back up again. "I told you I wouldn't tell James. And I mean that, too!”

The hand was slowly moving up and down again. It was a calming feeling. Remus' eyes went back to Black's face. Anger was written on it, but not too much. Rather - concern? Definitely unusual. Black touched his elbow, then slipped his hand under his t-shirt.

"Hey, that’s too much!"

Instantly, Remus flinched and kept Black’s hand from pushing up his t-shirt any further.

"You seem to have liked it until just now." The hint of a smile appeared on Black’s lips.

"That's not-” Not true at all, Remus had wanted to say, but he probably would have lied with that. He had liked it, yes. But then Black had suddenly touched him even more, and it had been so sudden and he - he had been afraid. His flinching had been pure reflex. He just wasn't used to something like that.

Oh Merlin, he really wasn't used to something like that, and that at the age of sixteen. Most people only knew him as a nerd and a bookworm, but he was also just a guy. And even though Black was an idiot, he was the only one - the first - who took pains over getting to know him. When he’d met him in the city a few days ago, he’d appeared so different to him. Without Potter or the tag-along Pettigrew he seemed much more bearable. No macho behavior. No mean remarks. Only his usual lively behavior, mixed with a little lovable stupidity.

"Remus." Black made eye contact and Remus knew he was about to say something very, very embarrassing. "At least try it. Do you want-"

Remus covered his mouth with one hand. Black blinked.

"It's all right. Shut up, will you?" Remus felt heat rising in his cheeks. "Don’t you dare to ever say a single word to Potter or Pettigrew! Don’t you dare to make fun of me! And don’t you dare to go so far again without asking me first! And let's be clear, not in the schoolyard or in the classroom or on-!

"Does that mean yes?" Black had freed himself and grinned at him broadly. In his exuberant enthusiasm he had more resemblance to a dog than ever. "Does that mean yes?"

Remus' cheeks were burning now, but he wouldn't back down. As well as he could, he slowly lowered his head to a barely perceptible nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life's way too busy right now. I hope you're all doing okay :3  
> Please consider commenting if you liked it (or didn't ;D).


	9. Forbidden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter :)  
> Thank you so much to all people who have commented last time <3

As long as they were enjoying their summer holidays, Remus didn't regret his decision for a second.

Of course, Black hadn't changed. He was still the somewhat stupid but kind guy who came up with new crazy ideas every day. It was the way Remus saw him now that had changed. The distance he had always kept to Potter and his clique had kept him from seeing the good sides of him. And Remus tried hard to see them, even though it sometimes was difficult for him.

So maybe Black was crazy, but he was good at talking to Remus. Not about earth-shattering things. At least not about history of magic or the effects of Muggle medicinal plants. But about the village he lived in, about his surroundings and what happened if you went in this or that direction and what was down there at the bottom of the lake. Or about his father, about the villagers. He didn't want to talk so much about being a werewolf and most of the time Black accepted that. And sometimes they also talked about his mother.

They were lying in the grass. Just so close to the lake that they could hear the water’s soft gurgle as it trickled from the shallow river into the lake. Remus was lying on his back, his arms crossed behind his head, his eyes half closed because of the sun. They had been swimming - he was getting better every day - and were wet and tired. Remus would have fallen asleep had Black not started the conservation.

"Why did your mother die?" Black asked quietly. Remus didn't want to talk about that and that's exactly what he told him.

But just as Black accepted his unwillingness to talk about his illness only most of the time it now was the first time that he didn't let up on the subject. His curiosity was one of his most outstanding traits.

"You've asked me that so many times," Remus said quietly but vehemently. He closed his eyes fully, hoping that Black understood that he wanted to change the subject.

But of course he didn't.

"I did." He leaned over him so that his chest obscured the sun. "But all you ever said was, 'It happened overnight.'"

"Then what else do you want to know? It is like it is. She’s dead, end of story.”

Remus hesitated. Black was wrong. He was a good liar. After all, he’d been able to hide his illness for a long time and still no one knew except him and the teachers.

His mother hadn't died of some illness. But Black wasn’t supposed to know that.

A hand grazed his cheek. "Hey." Remus opened his eyes a crack. Black smiled at him. "It can't be that bad, can it? I know that you're a werewolf, how much worse could it be?”

There were worse things. Remus turned his head to the side, the memory of it burning behind his eyes. Maybe he was only that sensitive because there was a full moon again in a few days.

He felt Black still staring at him as if he was trying to elicit a response out of him this way, but at some point he gave up and rolled onto his back, right next to him. His hand seeked Remus’ own and squeezed it once. Remus sighed.

* * *

They were sitting at the dinner table. His father on one side of it, Remus and Black on the other. It was the last day of the summer holidays and they would travel to Hogwarts again coming tomorrow. The suitcases were already packed - by hand, as they were not allowed to perform magic as minors and his father was a muggle - and Black said he had wanted to do something special today.

Remus had asked what exactly he had planned. Black had not given an answer. At least none that Remus could use. And he didn’t know what Black found so special about this day as they went to the lake like most days before and spent the day swimming, talking and catnapping.

_We just have to make the day special_ , he’d said. _That doesn't mean we have to do anything else._

Black was a bit strange.

He liked his father's method much better. To celebrate the day, he had once again cooked his favourite meal - a rare steak with vegetables and potatoes. He started to eat hungrily and saw Black smiling from the corner of his eyes.

"What are you laughing at?" Remus asked. Black just grinned even more. Remus was irritated - Black had to find something incredibly funny, but he didn't get it.

"Nothing," Black replied and then remained secretively silent.

His father followed the events without saying anything. Lately, Remus couldn't make sense of him either. His father knew nothing about their relationship. All he knew was that he and Black were friends and he knew of his illness by now. That they had had some starting difficulties was clear as day. He seemed to be all the happier that his son had finally found a connection with someone. Remus didn't intend to take that illusion away from him, especially because he wasn't sure what to think of it himself.

"Would you like seconds?" his father asked him and Remus nodded.

"Yes, please.”

He heaved more food onto his plate when he saw it again: Black smiled again, this time barely visible. Remus didn’t say anything. There was nothing to get out of him after all.

A few minutes later they had finished dinner and his father went outside again to take the tractor to the garage. Black and he did the dishes - he rinsed, Black dried them off.

"What did you think of the holidays?" Remus finally asked to break the silence.

"Better than I expected,” Black said.

That answer could have meant anything, but with Black's dirty grin, the situation was immediately clear. When another arm wrapped itself around his waist and he was pressed against him so that he almost dropped the plate, it became too much for him.

"Don't! I don't want my father to know!”

Black pouted.

"Don’t worry, your father is totally cool! You should see my family - if they heard about us, they'd probably cut me out off their will." He probably found the thought funny because he laughed again.

"That isn’t funny.” Remus withdrew from him. "You won't tell your family a word of this. And also not Potter or Pettigrew."

Black feigned to be shocked.

"You think I'd talk to Peter about my love life?"

Remus poked his ribs.

"You know what I mean."

He handed him the washed plate. Black furrowed his eyebrows and dried it off.

"Why don’t you want them to know?” Black asked after a while. Sometimes Remus could only shake his head about so much naivety.

"Maybe because I don't have the best relationship with them?" He was a little angry about it. He had thought he’d made himself clear, but obviously Black had been so addled at that moment that either he hadn't noticed or thought he’d would get him around somehow. "I don't need another reason for them to bully me. At least once I want to feel like I'm normal."

He kept his gaze on the plate.

"Normal?” Black stared at him in disbelief. "But that's boring."

Remus stared at him angrily.

"Sometimes I really wonder where your good grades come from."

"Huh? What do you mean? What do my grades have to do with this?"

Remus preferred not to answer. He was angry, but only a bit and not so much that he wanted to argue with him. And he was also hoping that Black would get it without his help. But instead, Black put the towel aside and hugged him and Remus had trouble to continue behaving so dismissively.

Remus startled, "What - what’s this now?"

"I'm sorry," Black mumbled into his neck and kissed the naked skin there, so that shudders ran down his back. "I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry." He hugged him tighter and pulled him closer to himself. Remus felt dizzy. A small part of his mind told him this was the method Black used to persuade all the girls, but most of it grew hazy in the fog around his brain.

When the door clicked, they jumped apart and Remus hastily grabbed the last plate.

"It looks like rain," his father remarked when he came in. He obviously hadn't noticed anything. Fortunately, Black was silent. Remus coughed slightly.

"That's good for the fields. But I hope it doesn't rain at Hogwarts."

* * *

It was already dark outside. Remus was just getting ready for bed. The summer holidays had been exhausting and for some reason he was looking forward to go to Hogwarts, to go back to normal after the chaos of the last few weeks. He was a little afraid of what would happen with Black, but he didn't want to think about it for the moment.

Black shuffled into their room.

"You want to sleep already?" he asked disbelievingly when he saw Remus lying in his bed. "It's the last day of the holidays!”

"Yeah, so?”

"You can’t sleep now!”

"Why? Actually, it makes even more sense to go to sleep even earlier today, same as on the first day of school when we arrive. After all, you have to get up earlier."

Black just looked at him, stunned.

"I really don't get you."

"It's nice that we agree."

Black stood around the room for a while, undecided, then it seemed he’d come to a decision. In any case he appeared very concentrated when he sat down on the edge of Remus’ bed.

"Well, there’s two possibilities." He held up a corresponding number of fingers. "Either we go out-"

"Go out? You mean you want to sneak out at this hour?"

"Or I'll come to bed with you."

Remus froze. The expression on Black’s face showed him all too clearly which of the two possibilities he preferred. He knew he was serious, so Remus only considered it shortly before getting out of bed.

"Okay, but let’s not be out for long," he said as he got dressed.

Black's disappointment about the lost opportunity didn't last long as they sneaked outside. He was a natural marauder (Remus had noticed that he and Potter called each other by this nickname) and sneaked down the stairs with a joy that Remus could only comment with an eye roll.

It was dark in the kitchen. Remus fumbled his way to the door, one hand always on the wall. He could hear Black’s breathing behind himself. The wad of keys was hanging from the door handle, the house key stuck in the keyhole. Remus' cold fingers closed around it. He hesitated for a moment, then turned the key around and opened the door. Black followed him outside.

"And what do you want to do now?" Remus whispered because he was afraid his father would wake up. Black grinned at him with bright eyes.

"What do you think? See what's going on!"

"We are in a village with less than a hundred inhabitants, there is nothing going on around during nighttime.”

"Have you been outside this time before?"

"No."

"Then how do you know?" With these words, Black took his hand and pulled him on the earthy path that led through the village.

"I really don't know why you find this so exciting," Remus lamented. He tried not to pay too much attention to the hand that enclosed his. It was cold without the sun and he hadn't dressed warmly enough. Blacks hand was hot. He didn't want to be caught here. What would the neighbours think? What would his father think if he caught them here during the night? Especially when he saw how their hands were interlocked.

Nearby, a dog was barking. Remus flinched.

"We shouldn't be here. This is our neighbor’s guard dog!”

Black turned around to him. "The one who growled at you a few weeks ago?" He grinned. "Wait here."

Black released the grip he had on his hand and sneaked up to the garden fence. Remus knew the dog was leashed, but the leash was long and the dog large. And unlike in big cities, where dogs were no more than cute pets, this dog was there to guard the house.

"Black, come back!" He didn't shout, but whispered as loud as he could. He was afraid to be heard by someone else. He didn't want to imagine what would happen if someone saw him sneaking around in front of some strange house at night.

But Black didn't listen to him. Remus could hear him climbing over the garden fence. He was insane. In the darkness, Remus could only see his silhouette. He narrowed his eyes, but he couldn’t see more than black shadows. The dog had stopped barking, but he could still sense him. Then a few noises he couldn't place - scraping, scratching - a quiet yowl. Silence.

Remus didn't move at all. It felt like being blind. Then a shadow came loose in front of him. Black.

"What have you done," Remus hissed at him, but Black just lifted his finger to his lips and pulled him further along. Remus couldn't hear the dog. What had Black done?

For a while, he let Black drag him along, but at some point he came to the conclusion that Black hadn’t a real goal other than walking outside while he wasn’t allowed to.

He broke free and grumbled, "I'm going home now! That's too stupid for me." Then he turned around to walk off.

"Hey, come back!” Black hadn’t listened to him before, so why should he listen to him now? Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind and Black held him tight and pressed his back against his chest. Remus gasped in shock.

"What are you doing, Black?" he finally asked, trying for calmness. If Black thought he could talk him into doing everything with his charme, he was wrong. And indeed, Black tensed for a moment.

"You don't enjoy walking around at night?" Black's voice was close to his ear, warm in the cold night air.

"I don't know why you do." Remus tried to keep his own breath slow. "What’s there to do? The only difference to doing this during the day is that I can't see anything."

"But doesn't it excite you?”

"What?

"Well, to do something forbidden!”

"Why should I be excited by doing something forbidden?” Remus turned around in his arms. "Besides, it isn’t forbidden to walk out at night. It's just - not normal."

"And that's the great thing about it." Black smiled and snuggled up to him.

"Is that why you and Potter always roam Hogwarts at night?" Remus was still trying to stay calm. Since he and Black were something of a couple, it was hard for him to distract his thoughts from the things he’d always read about.

Black smiled. "Among other things.”

It was obvious that Black was also not paying much attention to their conversation anymore. Remus stared spellbound at his mouth and even though he tried to stop it, he didn't succeed. He felt hypnotized. It was also embarrassing that Black noticed.

"Would you’ve preferred the other option?" he asked, and Remus went red in the face.

"Don't be so smug about it!" Face burning, he tried to break free from the embrace, but Black held him tight and kissed him suddenly.

Any protest in Remus immediately vanished. He was still mad at him, but that would have to wait. Now, shivering, he pressed closer to him. This kiss was different from the previous ones - not hard and loveless like the first one he had lost due to the game; not tender like the one Black had given him at the lake and like the many others they had exchanged in the last few weeks - this kiss was stronger, more passionate and with a promise of more.

Black broke free from the kiss, but held him close. Panting and even redder than before, Remus leaned his forehead against Black’s shoulder. His legs were quivering.

Wordlessly, Black took his hand again and led him back home. A small part of Remus' clouded mind told him that Black surely expected something from him as soon as they arrived home and he couldn't decide which part of his mind was more prominent: the one which desperately wanted more or the one which panicked.

As quietly as they had sneaked down the stairs, they sneaked up again. When they reached the top, however, a step creaked under Remus' feet and he twitched. Black squeezed his hand.

Remus was relieved when they arrived in his room. Nobody had noticed their absence. Black locked the door and came closer.

Remus tried to withstand his intense gaze, but failed and stared at the floor instead. Black put his arms around him again, his body radiating heat. The fleeting touch on his shoulder alone made Remus’s heart beat faster. He couldn't help it as he hugged him back, it seemed as if he couldn't be close enough. Black kissed him, even more demanding than before, his lips wandering from Remus’ mouth to his chin, over his neck to his shoulder. His hand moved lower, from his shoulder across his chest, along his side to the waistband of his trousers, stroking it with two fingers. Then he pushed his hand beneath his t-shirt.

Remus felt panic well up in him. He wanted it, wanted it so badly. His whole body ran hot, but his mind shouted no. It echoed weakly in his head. Black hugged him tighter and at the same time pushed him backwards. Remus knew his bed was there. But if he didn't want to trip, he had to walk backwards.

With the back of his knees, he touched the edge of his bed and plopped down on it. He landed softly on the mattress. The blanket seemed cold to him.

Black kissed him again and enwrapped his mind in fog again. This time, however, Remus tried to keep his mental faculties. Black pushed his back on the mattress, his legs on each of Remus' sides, practically hovering over him. He broke the kiss, smiled at Remus, and sat down on his lap.

Remus flinched. The fog in his head cleared as quickly as if blown away by a strong wind. What he - or both of them - were about to do here, he felt all too against his leg. Black obviously knew what Remus wanted to say even before he did, his smile disappearing from his face and giving way to the thoughtful expression he always wore when something went over his head.

Remus whispered, "No!"

He didn't have the strength to push him away, but Black understood him anyway. He could feel the heat diminishing between them. Black's eyes flitted restlessly from his face to the mattress, as if trying to collect clues why Remus didn't want to go further. Remus wasn’t sure himself.

"I - I'm sorry." Remus turned his head away.

"It's okay." Black rolled off him. "It was probably too soon.”

Remus nodded weakly. He felt like he had to do something, otherwise this would stand between them and he didn't want that. But he couldn't think of anything better than searching for Black's hand and briefly touching it.

Black didn't move.


	10. Back into the lion's den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another chapter! Finally, they're returning to Hogwarts!
> 
> EDIT: For some reason, this chapter got uploaded twice? I hope this didn't look weird in any notifications.

Remus woke up early. He had to because today was the day the summer holidays were over and they would go back to Hogwarts. His father hadn't woken him up. He had trusted Remus' inner clock to get him up on time as always. It only took a few moments until he’d rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and was fully awake. He struggled to free himself from the blanket which was far too warm and took a look at Black who was still asleep.

The memory of last night flashed through his mind and for one moment of shock he was no longer sure whether they had slept with each other or not. Then he remembered and breathed a sigh of relief.

A look out of the window confirmed that it was time to get up and so he woke up Black with a gentle nudge of his foot. Black just grumbled, rolled over to the other side so he swathed himself in his blanket. The blanket’s unexpected resistance probably woke him up because shortly afterwards he blinked up to Remus with sleep in his eyes.

"Wha-?"

"Get up."

"Don’t wanna ..."

He quickly turned around again and hid his face in the pillow. Remus was not impressed.

"Well, then I'll go to Hogwarts without you. Bye!” 

Black startled, opening his eyes wide and tried to get up, but got tangled up in his blanket again. Remus went ahead and listened to the battle between wizard and cotton sheets while he was already going down the stairs.

In the kitchen, he was greeted by the smell of bacon and eggs. His father was standing at the stove and turned to him with a smile.

"Good morning, big boy. You hungry?”

"Always.” He took a plate and his father put some food on it. "What do you mean by that - 'big boy’?” He sat down. "You’ve never called me that before."

Black stumbled down the stairs, his hair wild.

"Morning ..." He halted as he picked up the scent. "Damn, that smells good!" Hastily, he also picked up a portion.

His father sat down with them. "To answer your question, big boy," he grinned, apparently he was in a really good mood, "I just have the feeling it's appropriate now."

Well, that didn't help him either, it just confused him further. What didn't help was that under the table, Black reached out for Remus’ legs with his feet. Remus sent him a warning glance. Black sulkingly pushed out his lower lip.

"So, are you excited yet? After all, it's your last year now," his father suddenly asked. "Sirius, do you know what you want to do afterwards?"

Remus pricked up his ears. He knew what he would like to do himself, even if he knew that it was just a dream. He had never been preoccupied with the dreams of others before, too trapped in his own world for something like that. After all, he had enough problems of his own. And wasn’t he supposed to know what Black’s goals were, now that they were ...

"I want to be Auror," Black told his dad.

"An auror?" His father sounded surprised. "You’re aiming quite high, but do you have the grades for it?"

"He would, if he tried harder - ouch!" Black had kicked him and then continued to rub his feet along his calves.

"Grades aren’t a problem. Besides, it's really important to me."

Remus was surprised. He’d never heard this level of solemnity in Black’s voice. The expression on his face also emphasized that he was completely serious about it. He wouldn’t have thought him capable of something like that.

Or did he just want to become an Auror to pick up some girls? That was way more realistic. His admiration sank.

"Remus, what do you want to become later?” There was curiosity in Black's voice while Remus' heart made a jump. Merlin, Black's career aspirations were so cool while his own sounded so boring. And in the end, he didn't really trust him yet - what if he told Potter? But he couldn't lie. His father knew. And he had no desire to have another father-son conversation with him.

"I, um, I want to become a teacher.” Black’s foot on his leg halted.

"What? Really?”

"Yes." He glared at him. "Don't make fun of me!"

"What? No, I’d never!” Black seemed to be honestly outraged. "I think it's really cool. You could always explain well, so why shouldn't you become a teacher?”

Yeah, why not? He knew that damn well. Remus lowered his gaze. His father remained silent.

"Oh ..." Now Black must’ve caught up. "That's why." Under the table, his foot settled on Remus' own, as if he was laying a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry."

"It’s okay," Remus replied quickly. "It's just a stupid dream anyway. People can't have everything." He stood up. "I'll get our bags."

* * *

The drive to London wasn’t quiet at all. His father drilled Black with questions: About Hogwarts, about how Remus was doing and whether his son had met a girl. At this point Remus had to intervene, "I told you, I don't have a girlfriend!"

From the corner of his eye, he saw Black grinning.

"Oh, who knows if you always tell me the truth." His father winked at him.

"Well, I don't know anything official, but-" Remus jerked his head around to him. What was he up to now? "Sometimes our little Remus is seen with a black-haired beauty."

Now his father was paying even more attention. Since Remus was sitting on the back seat, he couldn't do much about Black's prank.

"A black-haired beauty? I see - what else can you tell me about her?"

"Hmmm ... well, she's a real catch. Smoking hot."

Complimenting himself seemed to come easily to him. Remus’ face was already red. But he wouldn’t stand for it.

"The girl you mean isn't my girlfriend." Black looked at him in astonishment. He had probably not expected that he would respond to it. "I’m tutoring her because she wouldn't get through school otherwise. Apart from that, I don't think she looks good at all. And she’s certainly not hot!"

Unfortunately, he couldn’t elicit the desired reaction from Black as he neither turned red nor did he show any other reaction. Only his eyebrow moved up a bit and Remus, who could read him quite well nowadays, knew that Black would take revenge in his own way.

* * *

"There’s always traffic chaos in London." His father pulled up the car at the side of the road. "I'll let you out of here. I'd love to say goodbye to you properly, but I can't even get a decent parking spot here."

Black lifted their luggage out of the trunk and put it on the sidewalk. Meanwhile, Remus said goodbye to his father with mixed feelings. He loved his home and he loved Hogwarts, but he was scared in both places. Nevertheless, he would miss his father for the next few months, just as he had missed Hogwarts.

"Well then, take care." His father hugged him tightly. "And say hello to your girl for me.”

"Dad! I told you-"

"It’s all right, you don't have to explain it me." Then he glanced at Black and for a moment of shock, Remus thought he knew. But the moment passed and Remus chided himself for being a scaredy-cat. How should he know? They were being discreet enough. And there wasn't much to hide actually. They hadn’t done anything special. Well, almost.

"We should hurry. The Hogwarts Express leaves in ten minutes."

Loaded with their suitcases, they pushed their way through the crowd which was always moving in exactly the opposite direction. Arriving at track 9 ¾ they stopped, panting and with stitches in the side while the Hogwarts Express huffed, indicating that it was about to leave.

"Come on, or we'll miss the train." Remus got on the train and Black followed him.

Together, they searched for the compartment where Potter and Pettigrew would be. They hadn't seen either of them on the platform. A sharp jolt went through the Hogwarts Express, then it began to move. Black, who had walked behind Remus, bumped into him.

"Hey, watch it,” Remus chastised him.

"Sorry." He could clearly hear a grin in Black’s voice. Indignant, Remus turned around.

"You did that on purpose," he said.

"I wouldn't dream of it." Black actually grinned. Remus' face darkened.

"Listen, Black. I really don't want you telling the others anything. Not Potter, not Pettigrew. Neither of them. No hints either, like in the car. Please.”

Black smiled at him and patted his cheek for a moment, which really upset Remus, and nodded.

"Sure, no problem."

Remus wasn't so sure he was telling the truth.

Finally, they heard loud laughter from a compartment that could clearly be attributed to James Potter's voice. Black's face lit up while Remus' mood sank. While Black could be quite bearable, especially when it was just the two of them, for him Potter was the personified evil. He hoped Black would keep his promise.

He was afraid.

With the certain touch of drama that Black loved so much, he opened the compartment’s door and shouted, "Ta-dah! Here I am!” He rushed to Potter, who had jumped up in shock when he opened the door, and hugged him hard. "Prongs, old chap! How are ya?"

"By Merlin, Sirius! Where’ve you been!” Potter sounded happy, but there was something else in his voice that might have escaped Black’s notice, but not Remus’.

It was just at that moment he was also discovered, still standing in the open door of the compartment. Pettigrew, sitting opposite of Potter, stared at him as if he’d never seen him before. Then his face darkened and he turned away. Black, however, had finally broken away from his best buddy and pulled Remus into the compartment.

"You don't mind Remus sitting with us, do you?" Black didn't wait for an answer, but chased Pettigrew away from his seat so that he and Remus could sit next to each other.

Potter didn't say anything about it, but it hadn't escaped his notice. Instead, he ignored Remus and began to question Black, "How was your vacation?

Black grinned sheepishly.

"Awesome, and yours?"

Potter stared at him with wide eyes. Remus bit his lower lip.

"Awesome?" he echoed. "You hate your family, how could you possible have liked your holidays?"

Black halted. "Well ..."

Potter raised an eyebrow. "It's all right, Sirius. I know it anyway. Or I can figure it out at least." He sighed, "Do you know who stood outside my front door shortly after the start of the holidays?" Black shook his head. "Your brother, Regulus. Wanted to know if you were with me. Actually, he was pretty sure about you being at my home because I almost couldn't get rid of him." He looked at him reproachfully, then his gaze turned to Remus who tried to appear as innocent as possible. "Where were you, Sirius, if not with me?" Potter asked, still watching Remus.

Black opened his mouth, but then closed it again. For the first time, Remus saw him speechless in front of Potter. He knew he had to say something.

"He was with me,” Remus said quietly.

The words hung in the air heavy with meaning. Especially when Remus blended them with his own memories. But he knew it was stupid, Potter would never assume that there was more going on from that statement.

Still, Potter seemed hurt.

"I thought so." His voice was cold, then he digged something out of his pocket. It was a pack of cards. "Let's just play ‘Exploding Snap'."

* * *

The atmosphere in the compartment was, to put it mildly, dejected. Potter kept quiet about Black obviously having spent the holidays with Remus and not with him, Pettigrew was completely absorbed in the card game and deliberately ignored Remus, except now and then when he sent him a gloomy look. Black tried to keep Remus' promise and not let any suspicion arise that Remus and him had more in common than the budding friendship Potter was suspecting. Remus buried himself in the cards and tried to be faster in the deck so that Potter had no reason to grumble about him and otherwise kept his eyes lowered. He had imagined that the trip would be horrible and he had been right about that.

At some point, however, the card game apparently became boring and Potter put the cards back in his pocket, then stared out the window. As atypical as this behavior was for him, Remus didn’t want him to fall into old patterns. So he did what he always did when he wanted to hide from everything around him: he read a book.

"Prongs?”

Black's voice cut through the compartment like an intruder. His tone, however, was unusually soft, almost begging. Potter looked up.

"I'm sorry. I felt ... confused."

Potter met his gaze. "It’s okay," he said, but it was evident that he didn't mean it.

* * *

Remus had never before experienced such a tiring journey to Hogwarts. As they pushed their way out of the compartment and the train, he was completely exhausted and wished for nothing more than a tasty meal and then his bed.

It had become dark outside and the lights of Hogwarts were reflecting brightly on the lake over which the first graders would boat according to tradition. He remembered the time well when he had gotten into one of the boats himself, full of happiness and anticipation of being able to attend school. But while he had learned a lot, more than most students perhaps, everything else was a disaster.

But Black had kept his promise. He had made no noise, hadn’t touched him, hadn’t even looked at him more than necessary. He had been so preoccupied with keeping his promise that he had almost completely ignored him. At least Remus hoped this was the reason. However, he had the suspicion that Black’s behavior was not only due to his promise.

The four of them got into the carriage which Remus knew was being pulled by Thestrals. When he had been sitting in such a carriage for the first time in his second year, he’d noticed how some classmates had whispered about what they would be pulled by. He had explained to them that they were being pulled by dead horses, but they had only stared at him. Then they’d whispered about him.

Meanwhile, he’d learned more and knew that they weren’t dead horses, but Thestrals, and that they could only be seen by those who had seen death. Remembering, he closed his eyes briefly. No one should be able to see Thestrals. He hoped that Black couldn’t.

The carriage jumpily came alive and soon they had arrived.

* * *

Remus tucked in. He’d always had a healthy appetite, even if not much of it stuck to him. He took a few chicken legs, scooped a large portion of potato casserole onto his plate and then went over to pumpkin pâté and later to pumpkin pie. Stuffed and bone-tired, he finally pushed the plate away and began to stand up.

"Wait, I'll come with you."

Black grasped his wrist, a gesture that strangely chased a shiver down his back. Together, they left the Great Hall. Neither of them noticed Potter looking after them.

Remus had assumed that they would go to Gryffindor Tower, but he had been wrong. Suddenly, Black pulled him into an empty classroom.

"What-"

He couldn't get any further because Black suddenly pulled him into a fierce embrace.

"I've wanted to do that the entire time," he mumbled against his shoulder. Remus hesitantly returned the hug. Should he thank him for keeping his promise? He wasn’t sure whether it was still too early for that.

Black's hands didn't stay where they were. Instead, they roamed over his shoulders down to his back and slowly up again, gliding lower each time. Remus shivered, unable to move. He buried his head in the junction of Black’s shoulder as Black’s hands gently came to rest on his bottom. The tiny part of his mind not yet shrouded in fog panicked and his stomach somersaulted, but he forced himself to stay still and enjoy it. It was far too exciting to stop.

As Black held him against himself, he became dizzy. Black kissed him, his neck, his ear, a quick peck on his cheek, then on his mouth. The kiss quickly became deeper and Remus threw all his inhibitions overboard and kissed him back hard, pressing himself against Black. Black's hands did forbidden things, sneaking under his robe, under his shirt and over his naked skin. Merlin, he went mad. He really did.

Black grinned into the kiss and for a moment Remus had to smile, too, and no matter what else was happening, in that one moment, in that darned, dusty and abandoned classroom, he was happy.

His hand was grasped, gentle, but confident, and pushed under Black's own robes. They were still separated by an annoying layer of clothing and Remus hesitated, then Black kissed him so well that he couldn't help it, plucked his shirt out of his pants and finally touched his glowing skin.

He explored everything he could get his hands on. The slender sides which he couldn't even cover with his short-fingered hands, the flat, muscular belly shuddering under his hand, the back and the chest which rose and fell heavily.

Remus knew that he’d lose his virginity on one of the tables if he didn't stop now, but he couldn't tear himself away. Black felt him tensing up because he suddenly held him a few inches away from him, which felt like being poured over with icy water. Black was breathing heavily, it hadn't left him cold either. Their hips were still pressed against another and Remus felt all too clearly how excited he was.

"Don't be afraid." Black's voice sounded hoarse and he licked his lips, a gesture that almost made Remus weak again. "I'm not gonna pounce on you. Not here. And not now either." He smiled irresistibly, then kissed him carefully and let him go.

Remus didn’t know whether he should feel relief or regret.

* * *

It took a while until they had calmed down enough and had straightened their clothes so that they dared to enter the corridors again. Black grinned mischievously at him and Remus returned the smile. On the way back to the Gryffindor Tower, his worries slowly raised to the surface, but the blissful mist he had been put in didn’t wear off.

When they arrived in the common room, it was already crowded with chatting students. Black, as always, attracted some attention, but Remus tried to ignore it. Instead, he went straight into the dorm which he shared with the three Marauders, put on his pyjamas, brushed his teeth and hit the hay.

It might not have been even half an hour before the door opened again and said Marauders entered, chatting loudly. Of course they had noticed him, but they’d never showed any consideration for his sleep anyway and actually, he was still wide awake. What Black had done to him was still occupying his mind. Now that he had calmed down again, he could think rationally about the matter and he knew that Black had done these things hundreds of times with just as many girls. He wanted to believe him, wanted to believe that there was more and that he - loved him. Just as he himself feared to do. He knew he was taking a big risk. The risk of being betrayed. It wasn’t only about his secret.

It was the terrible fear of being hurt.

Pettigrew was just putting on pyjamas that had become a little too small while Potter and Black disappeared in the bathroom. Remus couldn't help but stare secretly at Black’s back, the blanket pulled up to his chin. He’d been given a taste. And what a taste! What would his body feel like against Black’s?

The two of them came out of the bathroom again, got undressed and lay down in their beds, but Remus knew they would talk for hours, especially if they thought Pettigrew and he were asleep. Well, Pettigrew really was after half an hour; his quiet snoring was unmistakable.

"James?" Black whispered.

"Yeah," it came back.

"Are you angry?"

Silence. Then, "Yeah." Silence again, then Potter added: "Just a bit. But I’m more confused. Sirius, what's going on?" Black didn't answer. Remus had closed his eyes because he pretended to be asleep, but he would have given a lot to see Black's face now. To know what he was thinking. "I'm worried about you, Sirius. You were behaving so strangely even before the holidays. And now you ran away from home and didn't come to me - even though I offered it to you! And instead you were hiding at Lupin’s. What am I supposed to think?"

"Yeah ... I'm sorry too, man. I’m not sure what got into me. But I just packed my bags and - dude, you don't even know what was going on at home! My mother is going crazy. Babbling on and on about some lord and Regulus is totally fired up for those people. I don't know what they’re about. It’s like this pureblood rubbish. But look at Peter, he's a pureblood and certainly not as great as Linda from Ravenclaw." Potter agreed. "Anyway, I couldn't stand it any longer. And ... well shit, James, I don't know how to explain it, but all of a sudden, I was just close by. I hardly know how I got there or when I made the decision. And then Remus found me."

"So you already call him Remus?"

"Of course I do. I don't call you Potter either."

"And does he call you Sirius?"

"Um, no. He’s a bit cagey."

"Seems to be really serious then. Your friendship with him."

Black kept silent and Remus briefly had the feeling that Potter wanted to say more than just that.

"Yeah, it is. Please don't think anything wrong of me! You are and remain my very best friend! Remus is - something else. Another friend. With him - well, I don't know either."

Remus didn't know why, but at these words he felt a stab in his chest.

They didn't talk at all for a while and Remus thought they had fallen asleep. Then Potter spoke again, "Six whole weeks, man. Weren't you bored?"

"Yeah, sometimes." Rustling, then he heard them high fiving. "I’ve missed you, Prongs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :3


	11. Old scars, new wounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter before the Christmas holidays! I hope you all have plans to spend time with your family and friends :3  
> See you next year!

"Wake up, Lupin!"

The blanket was pulled away from him and Remus opened his eyes. Potter stood above him, blanket in both hands and Pettigrew behind him. Normally, he was awake earlier than the trio and it seemed they took advantage of this rare situation to wake him up.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stood up. Black was already on his feet. Freshly showered, he was just coming out of the bathroom and began to dress himself. Remus averted his eyes; he didn't want to betray himself by staring too hard.

Potter grinned at him.

"Actually, I wanted to wake you up differently, with an Aqua spell perhaps, but unfortunately Sirius didn’t allow me to.” He seemed really sad about the fact. Potter playfully stabbed his side, just a tad too hard. "Seems to really like you, our Sirius." With that, Potter's smile vanished from his face and he turned around. Pettigrew scurried after him.

The next few days passed almost as usual: The Marauders planned their pranks and executed them while Pettigrew tried even harder to keep up with them, Remus buried himself behind his books. Autumn had begun and Remus had observed with mixed feelings how the Whomping Willow had shaken off its red-gold leaves with one strong swing of its branches. He was glad that his last transformation wasn't too long ago and that he still had much time until the next one.

As for his relationship with Black - well, he regarded it with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it was incredibly exciting. They sometimes met secretly in empty classrooms to make out, but now and then Black just pulled him behind a statue, stole a breathtaking kiss from him and then left him standing as if nothing had happened. The feelings he provoked in Remus were completely new to him. So far, he had only read about something like this.

On the other hand, he couldn't help but feel like a fifth wheel.

He had just made himself comfortable under the expanding crown of a tree, a book on botany in his hands, when he saw Black running towards him across the meadows. Potter and Pettigrew were with him.

"Hey, Remus!" Black beamed at him, as bright as the autumn leaves he was sitting on. There was indeed a slight redness on his cheeks - whether it was because he was out of breath or because of Remus, he couldn't tell.

"Hello." Uncertain, he looked over at the other two. Potter raked a through his hair, a gesture he’d formed a habit for to impress the girls, even though the whole school knew he only wanted to end up with one girl. Pettigrew, smaller and more inconspicuous than even Remus, stood beside them. He looked as if he had just bitten into something sour.

"We were about to play a round of Quidditch, but we're one too few." Black looked at him meaningfully and when Remus didn't answer, he continued. "I thought - we thought - you could play with us?" he asked hesitantly. Remus hadn't sat on a broom often in his life and he was just about to open his mouth to refuse when Black interrupted him, "Don't say no, Remus! We need you! Please!”

"Well, I, um-"

"Thank you, Remus!" Black pulled him up and Remus barely managed to hold on to his book. The four of them went to the Quidditch field which wasn’t as frequently used this time of year as it was in spring. Black already had a school broom on hand which he handed over to Remus.

Remus embraced the old, unpolished wood of the broom handle with wobbly hands. Flying alone didn't worry him much, but when he watched Potter's big grin from the corner of his eye, he wasn't so sure if it was just a harmless Quidditch game. But he remembered the temperature in their dorm. It had dropped dangerously low since the summer. He knew that Potter resented that Black had gone to him instead to his best buddy. And Potter was a devilish good flyer.

Hesitantly, he mounted the broom.

The broom took off immediately, which he hadn't intended to do, but he quickly managed to get it under control again. Below him, he heard Potter laughing, then the three of them also took off.

Black and he formed a team, as did Potter and Pettigrew. If he had to fly with Pettigrew against Potter and Black, the game would have been decided too quickly and Black had practically made a dash at him when they formed their teams.

There was no Snitch, only an old, worn out Quaffle which Potter had gotten his hands on from Merlin knew where. After a few minutes of playing, Remus had the Quaffle and flew as fast as he could towards the rings, but Potter on his new broom was faster. Within seconds, he was suddenly next to him, rammed his side rudely so Remus dropped the ball and then plunged down in pursuit. After cashing in the first ten points, he flew one lap around the stadium and ended his victory parade just a few inches before Remus, who flinched.

"Don't scare me like that," Remus muttered. Potter patted his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Lupin. Peter and I will try to let you keep up with us."

What might had sounded uplifting and nice to others was a mockery to Remus; he knew that Potter didn't like Black and him spending time together. Merlin alone knew what he would do if he found out the whole truth. Pettigrew wasn’t even close to Potter’s talent in Quidditch. Telling him that Pettigrew would play easy for him was an insult even to Remus, but he tried not to let it show.

Black and he made a good team. Remus knew that he often scored the goals without his help, but Black was considerate and threw the Quaffle at him several times. While he didn't manage to score, he made some good attempts at least.

Once, he almost threw the Quaffle through one of the rings. Black had passed it to Remus who flew towards the three rings as fast as he could with the old school broom. Unfortunately, Potter was simply a better chaser than him and he also had the better broom. There was a head-to-head race that lasted about three seconds before Potter knocked against him hard and he almost fell off his broom. He could barely hold on with one hand while his broom turned on its own axis. By the time Remus was safe again, Potter had already scored a goal.

After that, the game only became more brutal. Black and Potter seemed intend on outdoing each other, but it was a mystery to Remus what drove them to it. Pettigrew on the other hand had no chance as Potter never threw the quaffle over to him. Out of a brief whiff of pity - after all, Remus knew the role of an outsider all too well - he flew over to him.

"They won't let us play with them, right?" he tried to start a conversation.

Pettigrew just stared at him and then steered his broom into higher realms to join in again. Remus didn't make another attempt.

He did his best, but found that Pettigrew was actually better at Quidditch than himself. This frustrated him even more, perhaps because he’d never really gotten on with Pettigrew. In the end, they lost 90 to 140 against Potter’s and Pettigrew's team. Not a huge defeat, but a defeat nonetheless. They stopped because it started to rain.

* * *

By the time they had entered the entrance hall of Hogwarts, all four of them were soaked to the skin. They hurried to get into Gryffindor Tower and pushed their way through the bathroom door at the same time, except for Remus who could easily do without undressing in front of the others. This time however, Potter foiled his plans by pulling him along and closing the door behind him.

"You can take a shower with us," he told him. "After all, you're one of us now, right?"

Remus tried to remind himself that this was Potter saying this and therefore he couldn't be serious at all. While the three Marauders were undressing, he stood silently next to them, trying not to look at Black and making himself invisible. Of course, he didn’t stand a chance.

"Why are you still standing there?" Potter tugged at his shirt. "Come on, get rid of that!"

Remus knocked his hand away, an action he immediately regretted as he knew it would only spur Potter on.

"I'd rather wait until later."

"No way! The shower’s big enough for all of us.”

Even though Remus resisted, it didn’t matter as little as it deterred Potter. He was holding him in place while he asked the other two to help him. It was Black who unbuttoned his shirt. Remus was still struggling, albeit half-heartedly. On the one hand, he felt panicked because he hated someone seeing his body. That Black had almost seen him naked was bad enough, but Potter and Pettigrew? He didn't know which one was worse. On the other hand, he didn't want to further jeopardize the temperature in their dorm by seriously defending himself. In the end, the three of them therefore had managed to take off every last piece of clothing without much difficulty.

With a burning face, he tried to cover himself.

"Don't make such a fuss, Lupin!" Potter poked his ribs. "You look the same as us down there. You ain’t a girl. Or are you?” He laughed and got in the shower.

Black sent him an apologetic look, but Remus ignored him. He knew he couldn't talk his way out of this and got into the shower with the three of them. His legs pressed together and his back to all of them, he began to soap his hair. He could only hope that Potter didn't have any more mean tricks up his sleeve.

He did.

"Lupin, you’re as thin as a twig." Potter almost sounded compassionate as he grabbed his arm and lifted it up, inspecting him closer. "No muscles. You should exercise more. By playing Quidditch, for example."

Remus snatched his arm from him.

"And the scars?” That was Pettigrew, who had hardly made a sound so far. Remus knew he had to say something before he piqued Potter's interest. Pettigrew wasn't very brave and also not very smart, but Potter would be a lot more vigilant.

"They are ... from an accident. When I was little. It’s nothing special."

For a few minutes, nobody said anything else. They showered without exchanging a word, a silence that Remus found unusual. He had expected more teasing from Potter or at least that they would throw a piece of soap at each other. But there was nothing.

He was about to step out of the shower when Potter held him back.

"And this one?"

He pointed to a scar. Bright red and with faint scab on it, it stood out all too clearly from the rest of his skin. It was fresh.

"As I said. Nothing special.”

He fled out of the bathroom.

* * *

That night, Remus couldn't sleep. He had been listening for a while as Potter and Black whispered to each other and he had thought to hear his name from time to time. He had hid himself away under the blanket, his head having completely disappeared beneath it and his feet peeking out instead. He had to be careful. Potter could never know. Even if he didn't betray him, he would still use it against him. Remus had no idea what exactly he’d do, but he was sure Potter would find a way.

He didn't want any of them to risk their life. Because it wasn't a game to be a werewolf. It was a disease, if not a curse. He had no idea what he got up to while he was transformed, where he was roaming during the night of a full moon, whether he was hunting and whether-

Remus clawed his hands into the blanket and tried to suppress a sob. Everything seemed to slip away from him and he had the feeling that something very, very bad was about to happen.

A sudden pain flashed through his foot.

He yelped, more out of surprise than pain, tore the blanket off his head and just managed to see a rat jumping off his bed and disappearing. Stunned, he watched the small rodent disappear somewhere between the things strewn around the dorm.

His scream had also woken up the others. It was Black who was the first to stand by his bed and Potter joined him shortly afterwards.

"A rat - it bit me," Remus stuttered, still dizzy with shock. The bite was clearly visible on his foot. Fine droplets of blood welled out of the wound. Black’s eyes narrowed as he looked at them.

"We should take you to the infirmary immediately."

"Now? It's the middle of the night, and besides, it's just a harmless bite." Potter waved him off.

"Hell no! It could get inflamed! Who knows what kind of diseases this fleabag had!"

Potter's face darkened, the corners of his mouth twisting and his eyes turning into narrow slits.

"All right, then you take him to the hospital wing. After all, he's your friend."

Black seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then he turned around. "Okay, come on, Remus."

He helped him out of bed and supported him when he realized Remus couldn't put his foot down. The skin had turned white-blue around the wound.

Getting down the stairs and into the common room was especially difficult and Remus clung to Black like he was a life saver. The rest of the way was also taxing. His foot was throbbing madly and he felt dizzy. He had never been out of bed at this time - except for that night once a month - and it seemed a little unreal to him.

Black opened the door to the hospital wing without knocking and called for nurse Pomfrey. She took a close look at the bite.

"And you’re saying it was a rat?" Remus nodded. "That's strange. Not that Hogwarts doesn't have rats, but one in the dorms is highly unusual. How might it have come in?"

She dabbed a tincture on his foot and then bandaged him expertly.

"Take it easy for the next two days. It's best not to strain your foot at all. Take this young man here," she patted Black on the shoulder, "and let him help you. If you’re showing other symptoms, please come back immediately."

Remus nodded and they left the hospital wing together.

* * *

He seemed to be in Potter’s bad books for some reason, at least Remus felt that he was giving him a harder time than usual. Black on the other hand was almost overbearing in taking care of him: He carried his bag, which admittedly was quite heavy due to a huge amount of books, and he supported him when he had to climb stairs, of which there were plenty in Hogwarts. He had even ventured outside before breakfast and had come back with a long cane to lean on.

Remus was very grateful for all this, but he would have liked it if Potter hadn't looked daggers at him.

Black was currently accompanying him to the library. Remus sat down at one of the tables closest to the department he needed for his essay. Black placed his schoolbag next to him and hesitated.

"Are you sure you can manage without me?" There was real concern in his voice.

"Totally sure," Remus stressed. "I can get all the books I need with an Accio. Madam Pince will certainly help me otherwise."

Black's mouth twisted. "Gross, I bet she's got the hots for you!" He laughed, glanced around and then pulled him into a quick hug. They said goodbye and Remus stayed alone in the library.

At least he thought so. Black had just turned around the corner when he heard his voice and another one a few shelves away. They were whispering to each other, not knowing that the acoustics of the library carried far, much to Madam Pince’s chagrin.

"What are you doing here?" Black's voice almost sounded threatening which sent an unpleasant shiver down Remus' spine. The other voice was squeaky, almost submissive. It belonged to Pettigrew.

"I’m going to the library," he replied.

"I can see that! I want to know what you’re planning.”

"I just want to look something up for an essay-"

"Don't lie to me! Since when have you been doing your own essays? You wanted to see Remus, didn't you?"

Now Remus pricked up his ears.

"What? No! I’ve nothing to do with him!”

"I hope so." Black’s voice sounded dangerously quiet, then he heard a suffocated gargling. "I’m warning you, Peter. If you lay a finger on Remus again then you’ll have to answer to me. Are we clear?”

Pettigrew gasped and coughed, then he squeaked, "Yeah, of course, I promise!”

He heard them walking away, leaving a confused Remus behind. What had this conversation been about? The fact that Black had spoken of ‘again' also irritated him. As far as he knew, Pettigrew had always kept in the background.

He decided to ask Black about it later and devoted himself to his homework again.

* * *

Two days went by and his foot didn't get any better. It got worse. Remus put it off even though he didn't know why, perhaps because he was too worried about the conversation between Black and Pettigrew to have room in his mind for any of his body parts. On the fourth day, he realized that the wound had become inflamed.

"Why didn't you come earlier?" The nurse had put her hands on her hips. Remus just shrugged his shoulders. Pomfrey's gaze became soft. "Take better care of yourself, Lupin. Especially in your condition, you should take it one step at a time."


	12. Secret in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Happy New Years, everyone :3

The unintentionally overheard conversation between Black and Pettigrew preyed on Remus’ mind. He’d gathered that Black blamed Pettigrew for the rat bite for some reason, but he couldn't make a connection between them. Either there was something he didn't know about or Black was completely nuts. Even though he often supposed the latter, he didn't in this case, so he decided to keep an eye on Pettigrew in the future. He’d never liked him, he was awkward, downright submissive towards Potter and it was a mystery to him why he was considered one of the Marauders. He had pretty much nothing in common with them.

And he didn't like the way he looked at him. Pettigrew had never really took notice of him, he had taken part in the bullying, but never started a fight himself. Pettigrew had only begun to pay him attention since he was hanging out with Black. And it was anything but friendly.

Pettigrew didn't like him, this much was crystal clear. Maybe he even hated him. Remus couldn't make sense of it. Black obviously did. That he had threatened his friend Pettigrew to help Remus, was more than disconcerting.

But what in Merlin's name did Pettigrew have to do with the rat bite? Remus briefly came up with the idea that he might have smuggled a rat into their dorm room to play a stupid prank on him. But he immediately rejected this idea - Pettigrew would have also harmed everyone else.

The rat and Pettigrew - there had to be some connection.

* * *

However, there was one thing that kept Remus from his reflections, one thing that connected the Marauders and excluded him at the same time. And that was their nocturnal activity, whatever that was about. Potter and Black, and now also almost always Pettigrew, sneaked out of the dorm at least twice a week at night to do who knows what. When it had started in the third year of school, he had been curious, but that had stopped soon. He had asked from time to time, but never got a satisfactory answer and because he knew that too much stubbornness could harm himself, he let it be.

That night however, the three Marauder sneaked out once again and this time Remus was damn curious. As a friend - Merlin, how that sounded! - of Sirius Black he had the right to learn more. And before he knew it, he had just as quietly slipped out of bed and left the hall only in his pyjamas and shoes.

After quietly opening the door and flinching at its meek squeak, he peered out into the completely deserted corridor that stretched out in front of him. He padded along the carpet until he reached the stairs leading to the common room. He just dared to go down the steps so far that his feet could not be seen from below, then he held onto the railing and bent forward as far and as carefully as he could.

The common room was deserted. On the other hand, he only just saw the portrait at the entrance swing shut. Hastily, he ran over as fast as his injured foot allowed.

He waited a few seconds, eavesdropping through the portrait’s back, and when he believed himself safe he opened the portrait by an inch. When there was no reaction from outside, he opened it fully and slipped out.

"Another perturbator!” He startled at the sound of the shrill annoyed voice. "Don't you students have anything better to do? Like sleeping?”

It was only the Fat Lady, he realized, relieved. He smiled apologetically, then asked, "I'm sorry, Miss, it won't happen again. Would you tell me in which direction those three boys have just run to?”

The Fat Lady looked at him skeptically and he almost shrunk under her imperious gaze. Then she nodded.

"All right. But only because it’s you. You at least have some decency left! That other one, the one with the outrageous black hair, threatened to blemish me with his quill if I told anyone that he was constantly prowling around at night time!” She mumbled away to herself a little before revealing which direction the trio had turned to. Remus thanked her politely and then rushed after them.

There was something eerie about being in the castle at night. Remus could almost feel the pictures’ eyes on him. He was lightening his way with a Lumos, but he quickly realized that the pictures were complaining about the disturbance, so that he was forced to pad along the corridors in complete darkness.

It was creepy. He never knew when a wall he was following with his hand was over and he reached into the void. The suddenness of it was especially bad. Every time he feared that there would be something waiting for him in the void and grabbing him when he reached in with his hand.

It wasn't completely quiet either. Here and there it was only the snoring of a portrait, now and then a creak. He knew that those came from the wood or perhaps from the wind that shook the shutters outside. Sounds that could be carried far through the ancient walls. But now and then he thought he heard footsteps, and although he should be happy about them because he was following Black after all, he couldn't. Those footsteps weren’t in front of him, but behind.

It became too much for him.

He knew that people had to rather be afraid of him in the dark and not the other way around, but at that moment he was just a boy who was afraid. Terribly afraid. He also no longer had the faintest clue where he was.

He had long since given up the idea of pursuing the trio. Instead, he mumbled a timid Lumos so that he could see something again. It didn't help his fear much; where the light vanished into pale shadows and quickly into impenetrable darkness again, he still thought he saw things that as his mind told him weren't there. He had to gather all his courage to approach these shadows to find his way back to the Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

The next morning, he felt angry. Especially at himself. He felt as if he had somehow lost a competition and much more. At the same time, he was angry at the Marauders, who apparently hadn't noticed that he had tried to follow them. And angry at Black who didn't tell him anything. What mysterious things could they do at night?

He remembered how Black had persuaded him to walk through the village at night. He’d said he did it because it was forbidden. Here at Hogwarts, it absolutely was forbidden and it might had a certain allure for him to escape from the patrolling teachers. But twice a week? He didn’t believe that. That would be simply naive.

Black knew his secret. Didn't Remus also have a right to know his?

After Black had once again dragged him into an empty classroom and was about to kiss him, he shifted away and told him that. Black stared at him as if Remus had just asked him to fetch the moon from the sky.

"Nightly trips? What are you talking about?”

That hurt. Black not only didn’t trust him, he obviously thought he was stupid. Remus moved away from him completely. He didn't trust himself as long as he was close to Black.

"Don't take me for an idiot, Black!" He tried to sound severe, but he wasn't used to arguing and even less to making demands. "Do you really think I wouldn't notice you sneaking out of the dorm for years?"

At least Black had the decency to look guilty. Remus tried to face him down. He’d really set his mind to winkle out his secret.

Instead, Black tried to pull him into a hug. Remus resisted, but felt that his indignance quickly weakened. "I'm serious, Black, don’t!" Again, he was doing those forbidden things to him. And how Black loved the forbidden. Remus grasped the little resistance he had left in himself and pushed him away, just so much that their bodies no longer touched. Then he looked him in the eyes, hoping it reflected how serious he was. "Black, I mean it."

A shadow crossed Black's face, but it vanished so quickly that he could have imagined it. Black let him go and licked his lips, avoiding his gaze.

"I can't tell you, Remus."

"But why not?” Remus didn't understand it and he didn't want to. What secret could be worse than the one he carried himself?

"I promised to keep it a secret. That's one reason, anyway." Black shuffled his feet, he seemed to be really sorry. But Remus knew Black was a good actor. Same as he always treated the girls. How he first pretended to love them and how they fell for him, although they knew that he was the number one heartbreaker in Hogwarts. Didn't Black trust him? And if that was the case, could Remus trust him? Was his secret still safe with him?

"I promise I won’t tell anyone. Even if - even if it’s something forbidden. I won’t tell anyone!” Remus dared one last attempt, but Black was already shaking his head. Remus felt anger rise in him. "That's not fair! You know everything about me, but I can't know this one small thing?"

"It’s not a small thing!” Black’s eyes narrowed, he also seemed to get angry. Remus had only rarely witnessed this directed at him and he tried not to feel intimidated. "It’s something totally different from your secret. Yours only concerns you, but I can't just tell you mine without telling on James and Peter!” He had become loud and lowered his voice when he realized it. "Remus, please." There they were again, those puppy eyes. Remus felt his resistance melt. "We’re not doing anything - bad. And we don't put anyone in danger. But nobody can know of it! Otherwise, we would be in a hell lot of trouble."

That was all Remus would learn that day and he knew it the second he heard it. Disappointed, he lowered his head and left the classroom without being stopped.

* * *

Black knew he was in Remus’ bad books. That was probably the reason he was avoiding him. Remus registered this change as he did with every change: Outwardly calm, inwardly however he wasn’t sure whether he should be angry, sad or disappointed. Angry at Black, who didn't seem to care enough to share a secret with him, sad about Black because he believed that their relationship had ended after such a short time. And he was disappointed in himself. How could he have been so stupid? Black was a womanizer, he had known it and yet he had believed him. He had let himself be wrapped around his finger.

And had fallen in love.

After storming out of the classroom, part of him had hoped that Black would hold him back, that he would kiss him, hug him and then tell him everything. The characters in the novels he read always did that. There was always a happy ending. Too late he had noticed that he was crying hard for the first time in a while.

He had gone where he could admittedly find no consolation, but where he felt safe: When he had been sent to school a tree had been planted for him, the root of which could be reached through a secret passage near Hogsmeade. At the end of the passage, there was an old hut. He didn’t associate any good feelings with it as he was forced to spend the night there once a month.

And yet it seemed to him like the only place he could go now.

Remus sat down in the furthest corner of the small room, pulled his knees close to his body and laid his head on it. He was in a mess. Black knew his secret and he didn't know if he could trust him. He had been lulled in too quickly. Only for once, he had tried to remove his doubts and had failed.

* * *

With his mind completely elsewhere, Remus was coming out of a lecture on History of Magic, the massive textbook 'A History of Hogwarts' stuck under his arm. He was one of the few Gryffindors to have chosen the subject and had his place among a horde of Ravenclaws. He paid little attention to his path and was thinking about the exams which were still a whole school year away, but you could never start to learn early enough. And 'History of Magic' would require a lot of cramming.

Much too late he noticed that Black, Potter and Pettigrew marched only a few meters in front of him. He slowed his pace and let himself fall back. They hadn't noticed him, but unfortunately they had the same destination: Defense against the Dark Arts. His favorite subject, even if everyone thought his favorite was the one he just came from.

He was about to march through the rows of seats to take his place at the back of the classroom when he felt someone put something in his pocket. As he sat down on his chair, he unpacked his book and his wand and only then he got out the small folded piece of parchment that had been slipped into his pocket.

"Are you still mad at me?" it asked innocently and Remus didn't have to look up to feel Black’s curious eyes on him. He wondered if he should just ignore it, but then scribbled a brief answer on the note and delivered it to its recipient via a spell. Of course he was still mad at him. That was a total understatement and so he had only written "Yes" on the note.

Black bit his lower lip as he read the message, but because their teacher was entering the classroom he had no chance to discuss it further. Nevertheless, Remus could see him sliding back and forth on his chair restlessly throughout the lesson.

* * *

The lesson was over and Remus, who deliberately walked past the Marauders with his blinders on, left the classroom without another word. But he had only been walking for two minutes when he was suddenly grabbed and pulled behind a statue. Before he could even cry out, he was pulled into a fierce embrace. Immediately, he knew who had attacked him and he wanted to push Black away, but failed as always. Instead, Black stared at him seriously.

"We need to talk."

It almost seemed like a ritual to Remus when he was dragged into an abandoned classroom once again. Black stuck his head out of the door and checked if there was someone in the hallway, then he closed it shut behind him. Remus heard him magically close the door and a slight panic rose in him. What was Black up to? Something good or bad?

Remus refused to look at him.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Black's voice sounded soft again, but Remus decided to stay resolute. "I thought about it for a long time. And ... I have an idea."

Suspicious, Remus narrowed his eyes. "What idea?”

Black hesitated as if he wasn't sure how to react. He briefly turned his gaze away. Remus saw his Adam's apple move as he swallowed. Then he seemed to make a decision and caught his gaze. 

"Your secret against mine - ours."

Remus hesitated.

"But you know mine already."

"I do. But James and Peter don’t."

The cat was out of the bag. Remus stared at him - had Black lost his mind? He tried to keep his cool.

"Black, are you nuts?" Now he raised his head. "I don't even know if I can trust you! And I know I can't trust the other two!”

"But what do you mean by trust, Remus?” Black approached him. "Do you think one of us would run through Hogwarts and tell anyone who wants to hear it? Why would we do that?”

"I-" Remus didn't know. But- "How can I be sure you won't tell anyone? When only I knew about it, at least I didn't have to rely on anyone."

Black's gaze became soft and he kept coming towards him until he stood right in front of him and put his hands on his shoulders.

"But don't you want to be able to rely on someone? Because you can. I've known about your furry problem for so long now and I haven't betrayed you. And believe it or not, James is a good friend.”

Remus tried not to smile at Black’s description of his illness and shook his head. "Potter doesn't want to be friends with me at all."

"But only because he doesn't know you! Give him a chance. Then he’ll also give you one.”

Remus' mouth twitched.

"Since when are you such a bleeding heart?"

Black had to smile now, too.

"Maybe since I've known you?" He leaned forward and kissed him fleetingly. Remus let it happen. "Are we good again? Please say yes.”

There he was again, Black with his puppy eyes. But Remus knew that the situation was too important to just give in now.

"I don't know yet. Let me think about it for a few days, okay?”

Black seemed to be disappointed, but he nodded reluctantly.


	13. The Marauder's Map

A few days went by and while Remus' injured foot was as good as new and he could tread normally, he still didn't know the answer to Black's offer. His faith in him since they’d returned to Hogwarts was just not what it had been during the summer holidays. Far away from Potter and everything else, Remus had been able to forget for a while or at least block out the possible consequences of reckless action. Now he was all the more aware of it and afraid to make a decision that could change his life forever.

Accordingly, he was nervous when the castle was swept empty for the first Quidditch game of the season (Gryffindor versus Slytherin). He had to be pretty much the only student who wasn't sitting in the stands and cheering on his team. Instead, he was in his dorm, looking around stealthily and breathing a sigh of relief as he heard the starting whistle.

The dorm would be empty for quite a while and even if Black noticed his absence, as a player he could hardly leave the field and search for him. Potter was also prevented from doing so for the same reason, so he was only worried about Pettigrew. But he wouldn't want to miss the game.

With shaky hands, he began to search the room.

He didn't know what he was looking for, but he hoped that he would find anything that might give him a hint as to what the big secret of the Marauders was. He needed to know if it was worth revealing his own secret.

Considering the innate disorder of all three of his roommates, the room was chaotic and Remus had no clue where to begin. So he rummaged through all the beds rather unsystematically, looked under them and into the cupboards, but there was nothing that would have attracted his attention. In the cupboards there were only a few clothes, robes, trousers and t-shirts stacked up messily, socks and underwear in the drawers. In another cupboard there were parchment rolls, inkpots and quills stowed away, as well as a few school books, some of which had already become very dusty. There was a lot of dust under the beds as well. The only interesting thing was a raunchy magazine he found under Black’s bed, which gave him a pang in the chest.

He was just about to give up, unnerved by the uninterrupted tension with which he listened to the Quidditch game raging outside, when his hand under Potter's bed brushed over something he had never felt before. It felt soft, almost like silk, and yet it seemed to melt in his hands as if it wasn't even there. Excited, he peeked under the bed, then slipped under it and tried not to inhale any dust bunnies. He’d let go of what he had touched and couldn’t find it again, at least none of the objects under the bed seemed to be of the watery fabric.

There were two pairs of shoes and a box under Potter's bed. He could have sworn that this box hadn't been there when he’d first looked under the bed. But since he found no other explanation than that he’d simply overlooked it, he dropped his confusion for now, shrugging his shoulders, and set about pulling the box out from under the bed.

The heavy box, made of rustic and decorated wood, made a loud squeaking noise as he brought it out from under the bed. Remus cared little about it, no one was there to hear it. Yet he was strung to breaking point. Very carefully - with Potter, you had to expect that he’d put a curse on it - he opened the box as if it there was a great treasure in there.

At first glance, however, he was disappointed: There was no curse on the box and there was nothing at all in there that seemed unusual to him. It seemed to him much more like a collection of small trifles that might have been of great personal value to Potter, but didn't have much to do with his secret.

Randomly, he took out some pieces and looked at them in the sunlight. A music box - he hadn't thought Potter would have something so sentimental, it looked old and seemed to be broken, maybe an heirloom? Furthermore a piece of wood, which confused him at first until he spotted the lettering 'Nimbus 90' in intertwined and battered letters. Probably a piece of his first broom. Piece by piece, he took all the things out of the box and meticulously placed them next to himself, careful to remember how they had been arranged, so that he could put them back again in the same way.

And on the very bottom, folded so that it fitted exactly into the format of the box, was a piece of parchment. Remus frowned, then took it out.

The parchment was not entirely new, but did not yet bear the traces of many years that would eventually make it brown and yellowed. There was something written on it. At first, Remus couldn't make sense of the countless lines he saw, then the picture condensed before his eyes and he recognized what he had in front of him: A map.

For what reasons Potter considered a map so important was a mystery to him until he realized what kind of map it was. It didn't describe a landscape, but the architecture of a building and that building had to be huge. It only took Remus a few moments to realize that he had found a map of Hogwarts.

When this realization dawned on him, his eyes widened with horror. Why was Potter - why were the Marauders in possession of something so precious and dangerous? They were just a couple of ordinary students. This map undoubtedly had to be their well-kept secret.

How dangerous this map was became all the more clear to him when he made out a tiny dot in the chamber which he knew represented their dormitory and saw his name floating next to it. He had the presence of mind to quickly look at the spot on the Hogwarts grounds representing the Quidditch Field. It was swarming with dots and lettering; they were so close together that Remus could hardly keep the individual names apart. In the middle, however, moving very fast, he could make out Black’s and also Potter's name.

The significance of this discovery left him speechless and unable to think for quite a while sitting on the floor of the dormitory. All of a sudden, however, he stood up and stuffed Potter's belongings back into the box, with the exception of the map. Something like this could not be left lying around unprotected, especially with students who he knew were capable of getting up to mischief. It was better if he handed it over to one of the teachers--

But wait. If he would do this, Potter would inevitably be confronted by the teachers. And no matter if and how Potter was punished, he would pay him back tenfold. Also, any friendship with Black would be killed off forever.

Remus stood in the middle of the dorm and knew that he had maneuvered himself into a dilemma with no way out.

* * *

A few days later, Remus knew that Potter had noticed the disappearance of the map.

He had suddenly become quite hectic, Pettigrew had skulked around him with a worried expression and Black had ignored him, which wasn’t like him at all. Remus had hidden the map well and even if someone found it there they wouldn't associate the place with him.

He had been pondering the meaning of the map for the past few days and the conclusions he had drawn made him feel sick. Not only did the Marauders know their way around the castle better than even the school principal did, they were also able to be informed about everyone's whereabouts at all times. This in turn led Remus to conclude that they could very well know where he disappeared to every month. Black, who knew his secret, could put one and one together and would quite rightly assume that it was the old and abandoned hut near Hogsmeade where he turned every full moon. He still had to rely on Black to be silent and not to tell Potter or Pettigrew.

It was however almost a week before his thoughts had cleared up enough for him to think of Black's suggestion. Assuming that he had solved the mystery of the Marauders, he sent him a message that he wanted to meet with him. However, the meeting went very differently than planned.

* * *

Remus was waiting impatiently at their usual meeting place, an unused classroom on one of Hogwarts’ upper floors. He wanted to tell Black that he wanted to reject his suggestion because he knew the secret of the Marauders now. He knew Black wouldn't be happy about it, so he tried to steel himself for it from the moment he arrived.

The door opened and Black stepped inside. He seemed unsuspecting - normally, Remus never approached him on his own - and he smiled when he saw him. He quietly closed the door behind him before embracing Remus gently, then even tighter, covering his face with kisses.

"Well, what's so urgent that you wanted to tell me?" he asked and managed to give his voice an undertone that suggested he meant some dirty things. He wiggled his eyebrows. Remus avoided his gaze; he had lost a little of his courage.

"I thought about it. About your suggestion.”

"My suggestion?”

"Well, that I should tell Potter and Pettigrew what's wrong with me, so I can find out what you're up to at night."

"Oh, that's what you mean." Although there wasn’t any indication of nervousness in his voice Black seemed to get a bit more serious. "So, what do you say?”

"I ..." Remus swallowed, the moment had come. He would have to admit that he had snooped around in their possessions, but unfortunately that was part of it. "I don't think it's necessary anymore. I know what you're doing. At least I think so.”

Black's embrace loosened a bit and his body became rigid. Then he let go of him entirely.

"So shoot." He stared at him intently.

"Well, first of all, I must apologize." Remus wrapped his arms around himself. He had become cold without Black’s touch and avoided his gaze to look at a spot on the floor. "I - I sifted through Potter’s things."

Silence. Then, "You did _what_?”

Remus closed his eyes when Black suddenly became loud. He wrapped his arms even tighter around himself, as if for protection. He noticed that he was trembling slightly.

Then he heard a laugh. Quietly, but unmistakably. Confused, he raised his head.

"I can't believe it!” Black grinned. "Innocent Remus - just digging through James' stuff!" He playfully poked his ribs. Apparently, he found the whole thing funny. "So, what did you get out of it? What did you find? What’s our secret?” His tone was still carefree, but Remus thought he heard a bit of uncertainty.

Instead of answering, he opened his robes and pulled out the map. For a moment, Black said nothing, then his eyes widened in shock and he snatched the piece of parchment away from him.

"Where did you get that?"

"From under Potter's bed. It was lying in a box."

"But-" Black halted as if he just thought of something, then he pocketed the map and watched Remus with a suspicious look. "Did you find anything else?" Remus shook his head in confusion. "Good.”

"Black, I-" Remus fell silent. What should he say? He wanted to apologize, but at the same time didn’t see why he should. After all, they were on the same page now - Black knew his secret and Remus knew that of the Marauders. He liked this solution much better than what Black had suggested.

"To be honest, I had-" Black started, but interrupted himself and shook his head.

"What?”

Black sighed, which wasn’t him at all.

"To be honest, I had hoped that I would make it easier for you to tell James about your secret." Black looked at him accusingly. "But obviously you don't want that at all."

Remus was shocked.

"Of course I don't! Why should I?"

Black turned his head away and kept silent. Remus was now completely confused. What did Black expect from him? That he would suddenly tell everyone about his illness just because they were an item? The risk that he took with Black was already too big for him to be comfortable with it, but he couldn't go back in this respect. He had to trust Black and was already putting all his effort into it, but he couldn't trust Potter for the life of him.

Black's silence dragged on and Remus began fidgeting. He hesitantly raised his hand and put it on Black’s shoulder. Black looked up. "Can't you tell him? You can trust me, Remus, James isn't what you think he is. Sure, he can be an idiot sometimes, but he's a really good friend and he would never betray you. Can't you just forget the last few years?"

Compassion and anger, Remus wavered between these so different feelings. He almost gave in, almost didn’t resist the timid gaze, but years of loneliness had made him unyielding at the point where he needed it.

"I'm sorry. I can't." He really was sorry. For a few seconds, Black kept his eyes on him, then he turned around, probably about to leave. Remus held him back.

"Black, wait!"

"What is it? Now that you know our big secret, what else do you want?" Something was wrong with his voice, but Remus decided to think about it later. He had to say something else first.

"This map is dangerous.” He looked at him almost begging. "Please don't use it. If it falls into the wrong hands ..."

Black broke away from him. "It won't. It’s safe with us."

"Safe enough that I could find it without any problems?"

"I don't get how you did it either. But it’s safe usually."

"Black! Please!”

"Please what? Should I destroy it? Or give it to a teacher?" He saw that Remus wanted to nod and scoffed. "Do I look like I’m crazy? Do you know how much work this was?”

Remus shook his head and remained silent. Rustling, then a sigh. Black put his hand on his shoulder.

"Listen, Remus. Honestly, I'm already angry and disappointed that you just snooped around like that. But I wasn't any better, was I?" The corners of his mouth quirked up into that mischievous smile that Remus loved so much. "It's best to forget all about it for now, okay? And ... please don't tell anyone about the map."

Remus forced himself to nod. Then a brilliant idea came to him.

"How about I help you to make the map really safe?"

* * *

"You did _what_!"

Remus flinched and hid behind Black who had spread his arms out to protect him.

Remus' offer to properly secure the map had a catch: They also had to tell Potter and Pettigrew that Remus had been snooping around their room. That Potter was angry was an understatement. The second he found out, he would have went for Remus' throat if Black hadn't intervened. Pettigrew stayed in the background, but his face held an expression that sent shivers down Remus’ spine.

"And why are you coming to me only now?" The wording clearly showed that he also gave Black part of the blame. "Had I had the map last night, I could have dodged McGonagall and wouldn't have to go to detention now. She was really happy that she caught me for once. Do you know what she called me? A good-for-nothing! What an old-fashioned expression."

"Wait, Jamie!” Black grabbed Potter’s shoulders and pressed him gently onto the next bed. "Don't be mad at him. Or me. We didn't pay enough attention to it either."

"Not enough - listen, the map was well hidden!"

Remus wouldn't count under the bed in a box among ‘well hidden', but he decided to keep his mouth shut.

"Anyway, he wants to help us make it safe. Really safe".

"Teh, how does he want to do that? The map was safely hidden." He glared at Remus. "If you tell on us, you're screwed."

So much for friendship with Potter.

"Now wait a minute. Please," Black begged. That seemed to work wonders, at least Potter breathed in and out, deliberately trying to calm down.

"All right. What else do you wanna say?”

Black stood next to Remus and laid both hands on his shoulders. Remus felt him squeezing them lightly.

"Well," he started with sweating hands. If Potter didn't agree with his idea, he had a problem. And he wasn't sure how far he could count on Black's protection. "To be honest, it wasn't hard for me to find the map." Potter scoffed and so he hurried to say, "If you're looking for it anyway."

"And what is your glorious idea on how to change that?" Potter raised an eyebrow.

"I was thinking of some kind of password. Or a spell."

"So only the one who knows the password can use the map?" Now Potter sounded quite interested. Remus nodded. "How's that supposed to work?"

"Well, I still have to think about the details. I'm sure I can find something in the library."

Potter remained silent, but pierced him with an intense look that awakened Remus's flight instinct. But he forced himself to stand as still as possible. Nobody dared to say anything until Potter had given his consent.

Then he nodded. The tension in the dormitory eased noticeably.

"Okay, I’ll forgive you for what you did." He got up and patted Remus’ shoulder, a gesture that made Remus tense with surprise. "But you better get to work."


	14. Lonesome wolf

After receiving Potter's assent, Remus began searching for a suitable spell that same evening. This proved to be more difficult than expected: He probably knew his way around the library better than Madam Pince, the librarian. However, he didn’t find anything in any of the departments where he had expected something useful. But he didn't want to give up so quickly, so over the course of the next few days, he searched some other departments of which he didn't expect much, but which he didn't want to leave untried either.

To his astonishment, Potter's teasing had dropped considerably at the same time. It hadn't stopped completely - after all, this was Potter. But they had abated to a tolerable level. Whether it was his research, whether Black had made him do it, or a mixture of both, Remus didn't care. For the first time for years, he had the feeling that something good was happening.

Packed with a pile of heavy books, he went back to the table he had been occupying in the library for several days. Other books were lying on the table, some of which were marked with small pieces of paper he had stuck between the pages. They had notes on them that he thought might be useful to him, even if he didn't have much hope for it. Next to them were scattered sheets of parchment with further notes, but none of his approaches had helped him any further. So far he had only landed in dead-ends.

Concentrating, he opened the first book of the stack and skimmed the table of contents. In fact, a subchapter dealt with passwords and how to attach them to objects. Hoping to have actually found something this time, Remus opened the page and grabbed his quill which he had left on the table. His hand was gliding over parchment, then over the rough wood of the table. Frowning, he looked to the side to find the quill.

It wasn’t there. He was sure that he had left it on the parchment on which he had made his last notes. Angry that he now had to hold on to his thoughts until he had found the quill and could take notes, he lifted the sheets, looked behind the piles of books and even under the table - but nothing.

Now Remus was not only annoyed, but also irritated. He had put the quill down exactly at this spot! Even if it had rolled off the table for some reason, it should have been underneath it. Maybe it had rolled even further? Remus got up and went to the nearest shelf, where he bent down to see if it had rolled underneath.

He couldn't find his quill.

Instead, a pair of shoes hectically moved away when he saw them.

Now completely confused, Remus stood up again and looked across the back of the books to the other side of the shelf, but of course whoever had been there had long since disappeared.

Angry that his quill had apparently disappeared without a trace, he made his way to Madam Pince to borrow a new one.

* * *

It was late in the evening and just before curfew when Remus decided to finish his research for that day. He yawned and stretched so that the bones in his back cracked and stood up. Unfortunately, he had to put all the books back on their respective shelves, as Madam Pince would otherwise have a moderate seizure, but he had written down which books he had not yet perused and was therefore not worried about finding them again.

He was the last one in the library, even the librarian had left, knowing that he wouldn't harm her beloved books. It was already dark in the corridor in front of the library. Only at the very end, just before the corridor made a bend, two torches were giving off a little light.

Remus shouldered his bag and set off for the Gryffindor Tower. A glance at his watch told him that he’d better hurry if he wanted to arrive before curfew and so he got a move on.

As he hurried through the corridors, his thoughts slipped back to Black. Since he spent most of his time in the library, he and Black hadn’t had time for each other. In fact, their last date was almost a week ago. Maybe he should just take the next day off and send Black a message. Black would probably appreciate a bit of initiative. At this thought, Remus blushed internally and decided to meet Black the next day for real.

He didn’t pay attention to his way. The darkness, which was only lit by torches every few meters, also played its part in Remus finally stumbling over something and slamming to the ground lengthwise. His bag flew off in a high arc and landed a few meters further on the cold stone.

Remus had bumped his head which immediately began to throb. He struggled to get up and held his forehead. That would give him a bump. He looked around to see what he had stumbled over.

There was nothing.

The corridor was completely empty. There was also no brick standing out over which he could have fallen. And he was pretty sure he hadn't stumbled over his own feet.

Perhaps an animal? Many students kept a pet, it was quite possible that a cat had crossed his path and he had simply overlooked it. On the other hand, what his foot had bumped against had felt much smaller than a cat.

First his missing quill and now this. Remus was not only confused, now he was afraid.

Becoming paranoid, he quickly swung his head in both directions of the hallway, then picked up his bag, put the fallen books under his arm and hurried to the tower.

When he finally arrived in the common room, he found it half full with students. Black and Potter were sitting in a corner close to the fireplace playing cards. Black looked up as Remus rushed through the portrait hole. He knew he had to give off a strange impression: He was completely out of breath, holding his bag in one hand and in the other one its contents which he hadn't put back in his hurry.

Panting, he fell onto the sofa next to Black. He really didn't want to go into their dorm alone lest that anything strange happened again.

"What's going on?" Black asked him, confused, and threw a card at the pile in the middle. "You look like you've been to the Forbidden Forest."

Remus was about to answer, but closed his mouth again. What should he say? That he had lost his quill? That he had stumbled, but didn't know what over? It sounded so mundane, but Remus couldn't get rid of the feeling that there was more behind it. Or was he just imagining things?

"Nothing, I'm just - I just ran here. Because of the curfew." At least that was half the truth.

Black, however, seemed to be satisfied with that and turned back to his card game.

Remus put his bag next to the sofa and settled down next to him. For a while, he tried to follow the course of the game without even expecting to be asked to play - he was a very bad player. While understanding the concept of the game, he simply wasn't fast enough to discard the right card, a skill that was indispensable.

Black sat just a few inches away from him. Remus remembered them sitting together on the Hogwarts Express, almost leg to leg, teaching him how to play, and fought the blush that rose in his cheeks. For a moment, he wished he could get closer to him, but in Potter's presence and that of many other students that wasn’t a good idea. Merlin, he should really send him a message.

Black on the other hand didn't seem to be bothered by his closeness at all. His thoughts were completely focused on the game and he laughed triumphantly as he gained the upper hand in one round. Potter just stuck his tongue out at him and swore to take revenge.

Remus knew that Black couldn't show him much affection here, yet he hoped in a downright ridiculous way for a glance, a quick smile or any other sign that Black had even noticed he was sitting next to him. But none of this happened and Remus, who was already tense because of the strange events which happened earlier that evening, felt his mood worsening by the minute.

Finally, he excused himself and got up, casting a meaningful glance at Black. But Black just waved after him and then turned back to Potter, who again hadn't even noticed that he was leaving.

Remus sighed inwardly, but he would leave it at that for today. It had been a long day - first his usual school hours, then doing his homework and, as if that wasn't work enough, researching Potter's map. He felt exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Tired, he shuffled up the stairs to their dorm. He was about to open the door when it was yanked open from the inside and Pettigrew hurried past him. He glared at him without any disguise and then went down to the common room. Remus looked after him, but was just too tired to give any more thought to it. Closing the door behind him, he went into the adjacent bathroom and prepared for going to bed.

It had to be late at night when the Marauders finally arrived in the dormitory. Remus didn't believe for a second that they would have regard for the only person already sleeping, not only because it really would have been something new, but also because they were incredibly loud when they opened the door. Black was the only one who had at least lowered his voice a little when they disappeared into the bathroom. But he could still hear Potter's loud voice through the door, not to mention Pettigrew's shrill, squeaky voice. He pressed his face into his pillow.

He was just dozing off when the bathroom door opened again and he heard the full volume of their conversation again. After some rustling and squeaking and some more conversations - something about the strength of Ravenclaw's Quidditch team - the dorm finally returned to peace. Remus turned on his back. The blanket pulled up to his chin, he stared at the canopy of his four-poster bed. Now he was wide awake.

* * *

The next morning, Remus felt dog-tired. Although there had been silence for the rest of the night, once awake, he hadn’t been able to get some shuteye. It was not until early in the morning that he had fallen asleep only to be woken up a short time later by a much too enthusiastic Black. Mind you, by jumping on his bed. On _his_ bed. While he had _slept_. Remus didn't know if one could have a heart attack at his age.

Together, they had made their way down to the Great Hall. Remus digged around in his cereal with his eyes half closed. Not getting a night's rest was nothing new in view of his illness, but he was supposed to still have a little time until then. He resented them for robbing him of his sleep. That is, when he was awake enough to actually be mad at someone. And it wasn't as if he could do much about it anyway.

Of course, he hadn't assumed that anything would change just because of Black's newly discovered friendship with him. Potter would rather swim with the kraken than consider him an equal. He had no idea why he had patted him on the shoulder a few days ago, but he didn't believe for a second that it had been meant friendly. In all likeliness, it had just been relief that Remus hadn't gone to any teacher to snitch on the Marauders - as if that had ever been an option. They’d have torn him to pieces.

"Are you still eating that?"

Black pointed at his cereal bowl, still chewing. Remus shook his head and pushed it over to him and Black immediately ransacked his leftovers. He wasn't feeling hungry anyway. His appetite would diminish with every day the moon grew, only to return with double its power after the full moon.

A few minutes later, he shouldered his bag filled with books and followed the others out of the Great Hall.

They had Transfiguration with Gryffindor's house teacher Professor McGonagall as the first hour of the day. Remus found Transfiguration quite okay, as it was a welcome change from the otherwise more theoretical subjects he had for the rest of the day. What he didn't like so much was that the classroom was divided into group tables and Black had decided at the beginning of the school year that he would sit with him from now on - but unfortunately also with Potter and Pettigrew.

Giving himself up to his fate, Remus sat down with them and began to unpack his quill and parchment. He was one of the few students who were taking notes during the exercises, but he knew that one of the Marauders would come to him and copy his notes sooner or later. A few minutes later, their teacher also came into the room and closed the door behind herself.

"Today, you and your table partners will take turns trying to let the tables in front of you first vanish and then reappear.” She scrutinized them. "Since it's a big object, it's not a simple spell. But since you all passed your O.W.L.s reasonably well, I'm assuming it won’t be a major problem for you. Well, does anyone know the spell?"

Remus hesitantly looked around and, when he saw that nobody else was moving, he put his his hand up.

"Yes, Mr Lupin."

"Evanesco," he replied and then indicated the corresponding hand movement.

"Correct. I see you haven't forgotten everything over the summer holidays." She scrunched up her nose. "Please begin."

Instantly, Potter leaned forward and whispered to Black: "Practicing Evanesco, how easy! I thought we'd finally do something really cool!"

"I heard that, Mr Potter!" McGonagall sent them a disapproving look, and they finally got to work.

Potter was the first to try. It only took one try, then the table vanished without a sound and Remus' parchment, his pen and inkpot which had been lying on it fell to the ground. On impact, the pot burst and Remus tapped his forehead. Why had he put his things on the table? Hadn't he listened?

With a swivel of his wand and the softly mumbled spell - Reparo - he was able to repair the damage. Pettigrew giggled behind his hand while Remus' ears glowed with shame. Fortunately, no one but the students at his table had witnessed his mishap. However, this particular selection of students was quite enough. 

Black was also able to make the table disappear without further ado after he had rebuilt it before. Remus could observe that the students at the neighboring table were obviously at a loss how to let the once disappeared table reappear. Pettigrew tried the spell several times, but it was only at the fourth try that he succeeded - even if only three table legs disappeared. The rest of the table immediately turned over. This time, Remus had fortunately been clever enough to keep his utensils on his lap.

Finally, it was Remus' turn. The spell was no problem for him either. He hadn't been able to practice over the summer holidays - firstly because he wouldn't be allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts until he was seventeen and he wouldn't risk being kicked out of school for a little misstep, and secondly because Black would have distracted him anyway. But he had perused the theory. Besides, Potter was right. The spell was really simple.

After showing McGonagall their successes, they made fun of watching who could make the table disappear and reappear the quickest. Remus quickly got bored with the game, taking some notes instead, even though he probably already had them in some form, considering they were repetitions. But so far they had never let an object of this size disappear and he eagerly noted down the changes he had felt.

He flinched when someone’s leg touched him under the table which Potter had just barely conjured up again. Instinctively, he looked at Black, but Black ignored him. Instead, he pulled his leg back and made the table disappear again. Remus wasn't sure whether the touch had been intentional or just a coincidence.

Once distracted from his work - and if he was honest, part of him had taken the notes just to avoid to be at a loss, silent and with nothing to while sitting among the Marauders - he watched Black from the corner of his eye. At the moment, things were not going so well between them. He had anticipated it - Gryffindor and Slytherin would rather shake hands than Black putting him above Potter. Theory, however, had been much easier to endure than reality. He felt stupid, but he missed him. He missed his teasing and Merlin, he missed his touch. As he watched him, he felt a pang in his chest and his hands clutched the inkpot.

Black really lived up to his name: His hair was of a deep black which was rarely found. Remus remembered burying his hands in it once while they kissed. How Black's hands had wandered over his body and crept under his shirt. He had done all those mad things with him and now he was sitting next to him completely calm, his shirt plucked loose from his pants, his tie crumpled as if he had just put on his clothes in a hurry. Remus felt like longing for him more and more with every passing moment and in the end, he had to force himself to turn his gaze away from him. Unfortunately, his thoughts still didn't stop conjuring the most maddening images in his head.

What had he gotten himself into? A part of him had known for a long time that he had chosen a path on which he could no longer turn back. Another, much larger part however didn't want to go this way any further and see what was waiting for him at the end. Standstill had been a good safeguard for years, but once torn down he couldn’t rebuild his walls.

* * *

The day had dragged on and Remus went into the dorm earlier than anyone else. Exhausted, he closed the door behind himself and leaned against it. Black. Sirius Black. Why wasn’t he able to get him out of his head? It wasn't that they got along particularly well. Most of the time he didn't even like him very much. And yet there was something - something that told him that there was more to Black than he could see. Maybe he had only lied to himself hoping to finally find a friend. Not just any friend, but someone who understood him, who didn't laugh at him because he enjoyed reading books, who didn't consider him special because of his illness, but because he was the way he was.

He pushed off from the door, went towards his bed yawning and changed for the night. Although he had not turned on the light, the dorm was brightly lit by the moonlight shining through the window. His gaze caught on it and, following a sudden inspiration, he let himself sink onto the windowsill, his legs drawn to his body.

The moon shone so brightly that night because it was almost full. It was rising in front of the dark night sky almost circularly. Only a few days left, then the time would have come again. Right now, Black was sitting in the common room with his friends playing cards, fooling around or laughing at Potter’s advances for Lily Evans. That night, he would probably do the same. Have fun. Together with his friends. And he would be alone again.

Remus leaned his forehead against the cool window pane and closed his eyes briefly before calling himself back to discipline. There was no point in drowning in dark moods. He missed Black. He should do something about it.

He let his legs slide off the windowsill and padded with bare feet to his bag, pulled out parchment and a quill and wrote two short sentences on it before he got up and put the folded piece of paper into Black's school bag, right next to his own quill so he could be sure that he would find it.

Then he went to bed, but the moonlight kept him awake for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the cold right now and could really use some hugs and cuddles, but maybe a comment wouldn't hurt either ;3


	15. Tokens of love, however small

Remus was brushing his teeth as a scream penetrated the door. Alarmed, he stormed out of the bathroom just to see Potter and Black wrestle with each other. Black's face was a mix of surprise and embarrassment, a look Remus had never before seen on him and which he found cute to his own embarrassment. Potter laughed. He had something in his hand that he held up while Black clung to him and tried to get whatever it was. Pettigrew stood beside them, a bit indecisive. Remus wasn’t sure what to think of the situation. It didn't seem to be an argument.

"Give it back," Black demanded and grabbed Potter's arm, but his seeker reflexes were simply better.

"Not until you tell me who it's from!" Potter grinned triumphantly.

"That's none of your business!"

"Come on, you can tell me anything," Potter purred.

"I just don't want - oh, come on-"

"Who is it, huh? Is it Miranda? You liked her so much last year."

"Everyone liked Miranda and no, it’s not her and it’s none of your business! James!”

Slowly, Remus became suspicious what their fight was about, but he could only hope that he was wrong. Cold shivers ran over his back while he was still standing in the bathroom door, his mouth full of toothpaste.

"All right then." Potter lowered his arm and Black immediately grabbed the parchment. Remus recognized the note straightaway. The day before he had put it in Black's bag with his own hands. Potter had obviously found it. What had Potter been doing with that bag anyway? "Come on, I'm curious. You don't usually make a secret out of it."

Black didn't say anything, but he unfolded the piece of paper and read the lines written on it: ‘Let’s meet tomorrow after potions at our usual place? I miss you.’ Merlin knew how relieved Remus was not to have put a name beneath it. Potter leaned over Black’s shoulder.

"Whoever it is, she seems cute. Did you turn a girl's head again?" Remus just rolled his eyes while Black glared at him. Potter, however, seemed to have had a flash of genius. "Or is it something serious this time?" He eyed Black. Something seemed to have given him confirmation because suddenly he exclaimed with enthusiasm, "So that’s it! Something serious! Sirius, our Sirius, is settling down!” He put an arm around Black's shoulders. "At least tell me what she’s like if you won't tell me her name. Hair color? Which house? Cup size?"

Black smiled, still embarrassed. Remus was unsure what to think of the whole situation. They had almost blown their cover, but Potter was obviously thinking it was a girl. Nobody would suspect that Sirius Black, Hogwarts’ Casanova, was suddenly going out with a boy. However, he hadn’t expected Black to actually answer Potter’s questions.

"Brown. Her hair color is brown. She finds it boring, but I think it suits her." When Potter grinned, he elaborated, "I don't mean that boring suits her. It's just ... she's very quiet. Calm. Red, for example, wouldn't fit at all," he said. Remus had the feeling that he avoided glancing in his direction. "She’s in Gryffindor. And no, I still won't tell you who it is." Potter had opened his mouth to grill him again, but then closed it. "And as for her cup size ..." Now Black was grinning, too. Remus felt his face growing hot. Fortunately, both Potter and Pettigrew, who always listened to girl stories like he was entranced, were completely fixated on Black. "Honestly, she doesn't have much. A at the most, maybe not even that."

"What?” Potter's mouth fell open. "You've never started anything with a girl with less than a C!" Black grinned. "Then she probably has other ... qualities?” He playfully shoved his side.

"Yeah, probably.” Blacks grin widened, if that was still possible. "But honestly? I really like her. She's smart and cute, but she underestimates herself all the time. She always wants to be treated like everyone else, but I think she's special."

While he said that, a cautious smile on his lips, Black never caught his gaze, but Remus felt as if he had said the words straight to his face.

* * *

Impatiently, Remus waited at their meeting point, an old and unused classroom. Black was already a few minutes late. His heart had almost stopped when he had seen the note in Potter's hand. What Black had said about him, however, had had exactly the opposite effect. It had sounded like a declaration of love, albeit unfortunately an indirect one, considering that Black hadn't even looked at him and nobody knew who was meant except for them both.

But was that really what Black thought of him? Something in Remus resisted just accepting it. Besides - smart might pass as a compliment, but cute? Black had probably forgotten that he was a boy once again. Well, a boy who read trashy romance novels, but still a boy!

The door opened and Black came in. He looked a little rushed, but smiled when he saw him.

"Sorry," he said, closing the door behind him and locking it with a brief spell, "James was dying to find out where we were meeting and I had to shake him off."

Remus watched him, doubtful.

"He ... didn't suspect, did he?" he finally asked.

Black shook his head.

"No. Who would suspect something like that?"

True, Remus thought. Nobody would.

Black just smiled, then approached and hugged him. Relieved, Remus breathed out and leaned against him. Merlin, how he’d missed that. Not having to hold back anymore and just enjoying the warmth radiating from him. Gently, Black stroked his back as if to comfort him and somehow that’s what it was for him - a comfort. He hadn't even noticed how tense he had been the last few days. Without pausing in his touches, Black finally raised his head and gently kissed him.

The kiss quickly became less innocent as he felt Black pluck his shirt out of his pants. This time Remus didn't stop him, but instead pressed himself even closer. Black's hands slipped under his shirt, seemingly wanting to touch every inch of skin he could reach. Remus shivered as Black’s lips left his mouth and wandered across his cheek, his chin and finally lightly across his throat. He was so vulnerable at that moment and something in him - probably the wolf’s instinct which was stronger than ever just before the full moon - wanted to back away from the touch. But then Black was already somewhere else, this time at the sensitive junction of his neck and shoulder. With one hand, Black pulled his shirt aside, exposing more of his shoulder, but Remus didn't care. He had closed his eyes and was entirely concentrated on the touches.

Black's hands still wandered deeper and down his back, creating a pleasant shiver, and finally halted on his bottom. Black paused as if to see if Remus would flinch, only then did he pull him closer.

Now Remus felt all too clearly how excited Black was. Panic was building up in him because he couldn't decide whether to push him away or to press closer to him. There was chaos in his head, his heart beating like crazy and he felt his blood pumping downwards.

Eventually though, the panic won and he put his hands on Black’s chest and pushed him away from himself. Black looked at him, eyebrows scrunching together.

"Is something wrong?"

Remus shook his head.

"No, I - it was okay. It - it was just too much." He swallowed. Obviously, it took him a while to be able to talk properly again. It had been more than okay, it had been absolutely phenomenal, but how should he be able to bear all those sensations that suddenly rushed over him?

Black's expression changed. "Just okay?" he asked.

"No, I mean, more than okay, just ..." Remus' voice broke off and he lowered his head, his face glowing.

"Remus, I'm not going to ask you if you don't like what we're doing. Because I know you like it. A blind man could see that." Black sounded more serious than before. "But why the fuck are you always making such a fuss?"

"I’m not making a fuss! Unlike you, I haven't tapped every girl in the castle." Black didn’t answer. Remus knew he had said something wrong and anyway, he hadn't meant it the way it sounded.

"It's not every girl. So far it’s just been fourteen," Black finally said flatly. Remus still thought that was way too much.

"And you're my _first_." He forced himself to look him in the eyes. Black looked back easily.

"All right." He sighed. "I see, you're still a shy virgin," Remus tried to protest, but Black silenced him with a quick peck, "but I'll try to be patient with you." He winked at him and Remus knew he'd wrap him around his finger again.

* * *

Remus had been in a bad mood all day. He had a headache and slept badly last night. His face was paler than usual and since he had gotten up his skin was tingling, the sensation growing stronger with each passing hour. It was a full moon.

Black obviously knew what day it was because he was trying harder than usual. Although he wasn't carrying his bag like he had when he injured his foot, he treated him with the utmost caution. He made sure he had a proper breakfast, although Remus didn't feel the slightest bit hungry, tried to cheer him up, and after Care of Magical Creatures he even found an opportunity to touch his hand briefly. That had actually made Remus smile for a moment.

But now the day was over and Remus was on his way to the Whomping Willow with the nurse. It was now pitch dark on the Hogwarts grounds, which was good as no one would be able to see him from any of the windows. It was cold, but he hadn't dressed warm as he would have to take off his clothes later anyway.

Arriving at the willow, he turned to Madam Pomfrey once more. She nodded at him, her mouth pressed together in a thin line. With a long branch, he pressed the knot of one of the tree’s roots, took one final look at the castle and then disappeared inside the willow.

The tunnel in front of him was as cold and wet as it was outside. The tree’s roots above were hanging loosely from the ceiling. His path led him lower before the tunnel began to climb steadily just to end abruptly after about a quarter of an hour. Remus looked up. A wooden trap door was attached to the ceiling which he opened with a little effort. The door was heavy, an assurance that he would not be able to accidentally open it later.

There was a small log cabin above the trap door. The walls were made of boards that seemed so rotten that he could have ripped them out with one hand, but in fact there was a spell on them that would keep him from breaking out and others from breaking in.

Routinely, he began to take off his clothes and place them in a neat pile in a corner. He had brought a soft blanket which he also stowed there. So far, everything had gone well and he hoped he wouldn't tear the blanket later.

Then he had to wait. He had been ill for such a long time that the time didn’t pass too slowly for him. But that didn't stop him from occasionally peeking through one of the nailed windows and checking when the moon would rise. It wouldn't take much longer.

As soon as he had finished the thought, he felt the tingling in his skin which had accompanied him throughout the day suddenly increase. Now it would not even be a minute until he would lose consciousness and the wolf in him would take over. He laid down on the ground lengthwise, one of his favourite positions from which he thought it made the transformation less painful.

It began in his spine. A crack, then he felt it lengthen. At the same time, the tingling became unbearable and he watched dark hair stabbing through his skin. His hands clenched without his doing. He had learned not to fight it. His feet scraped across the dusty ground as his legs grew in length. All of a sudden, his vision sharpened so that he could see the dust motes in the air. Then everything became increasingly blurred. He knew that he would soon lose consciousness and was grateful for it. He didn’t have a clue of what the wolf looked like and it should stay that way.

When his head began to deform, he finally blacked out.

* * *

Remus looked at the white ceiling of the hospital wing. A familiar view. After he had transformed back, he had regained consciousness just long enough to grab his blanket and wrap himself in it, then he had drifted back to sleep. Madam Pomfrey had picked him up sometime before dawn and brought him here. A few minutes ago, she had given him a refreshment potion and healed most of the scratches and bruises he had gotten during the night.

Slowly, he turned his head to the side and looked at his bedside table which had some books on it. He had always stored some in the hospital wing so that he wouldn't get bored when he could sit upright again. But it would still be a long time before that time came around. At the moment, he felt every bone in his body all too clearly. Tired, he closed his eyes again.

During the next two hours, a few students went in and out to get something for headaches or nausea. In one case, there had been an argument between two girls resulting in one of them putting a thick and clearly noticeable wart in the middle of the other's nose. Madam Pomfrey had to calm the completely hysterical girl down first before she could treat the wart with a tincture.

At noon, it was quiet again. All students were eating in the Great Hall and Remus also felt slightly hungry, but he knew that his stomach wouldn’t tolerate anything until the evening at the earliest, or even the next day.

He was dozing as the door to the hospital wing opened once more. He hardly paid any attention to it, but kept resting. The nurse was talking to the student, whose voice seemed vaguely familiar to him.

"... he is sleeping and should also rest-" was a fragment of what he could hear. The student answered something he couldn't understand, but shortly afterwards the curtains around him were pulled aside and someone approached his bed.

Now Remus opened his eyes.

Black was standing next to his bed. Obviously, he hadn’t yet noticed that Remus was awake because he didn't say anything to him. Instead, he put a package the size of a book on his bedside table. Remus was curious what might be in it. To be honest, he hadn't thought he would ever gift him a book.

"You're awake?"

Remus looked up at Black who now looked at him in surprise before a smile crept onto his face. He took a chair from the bed next to his and sat down by his own bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Bad." Remus smiled timidly back, but then flinched. Even his facial muscles hurt. "But as good as can be expected under the circumstances.”

"I’m glad.” Black looked around the curtain, then put his hand on Remus' one. "I brought you something, but maybe you want to open it later?"

"I do. Right now I just want to lie down and not move."

"That bad? Last time, you could already stand up."

"It's always different. Depends on how much I hurt myself." Remus couldn't look him in the eye with these words. "At home, my father abandons me in the woods, that seems to be better. I usually only have scratches from branches and the like. But here ..." He swallowed. He had never talked to him about it so openly and he blamed it on his present condition. "I think it makes him angry. To be locked up."

Black nodded, suddenly becoming serious. His thumb was stroking the back of Remus' hand and although it was such a simple touch, it did him almost as good as the medicine Madam Pomfrey had given him.

It was the first time someone had visited him in the infirmary after a full moon. At home, his father tucked him into his bed and took care of him, but most of the time he recovered alone. Having someone who talked to him and even brought something with him was a completely new experience.

When Black returned to class half an hour later, Remus struggled to straighten up and curiously opened the package. Of course it wasn't a book. It were sweets. From Hogsmeade’s Honeydukes, if he wasn't mistaken. It was so typical of Black that he couldn't suppress a grin.

* * *

The next day, Remus went back to class. He had picked up the notes of his missed lessons the teachers had sent him and sat down in the common room to catch up on the material. Nearby, Black and Potter were fooling around while Pettigrew was hiding his nose in a book.

Was it working out between them or not? When they met in secret, they were always messing around with each other and although he had no objection, he wished they could just have a normal conversation. But about what? Quidditch was okay, but he didn't care that much about it, and books only interested Black if he could put his head on it for a nap. What did Black really think about him? What did he find so special about him? Remus couldn't get rid of the feeling that the only special thing about him was his illness and he didn't want to give him that power over his life.

As he watched Black and Potter jostling for fun, he caught a glimpse of Pettigrew. Seeing him, he felt a shudder running down his back. He didn't know what he had done to him, but Pettigrew really seemed to hate him. He wouldn't have cared - whether he was ignored or hated, what difference did it make? With Pettigrew, however, he got the feeling that it did make a difference, he just couldn't explain how he came to this conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that Sirius can be such a dick sometimes (regarding him pressuring Remus of course). ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	16. Up to no good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back :) Exams are finally over, so I had time to translate another chapter. Ch. 17 is also in progress!  
> I hope you'll all enjoy the latest developments ;3

For the next few days, Remus could always be found in the library. He didn't believe that Potter had really accepted him, but he dared to hope that the temperature in their room had risen a few degrees and would continue to rise if he could actually find a solution to the map.

The password itself was not the difficult part. He had already found a book that described in detail how to attach and remove passwords weeks ago. It was difficult to make the map look harmless in its normal state, so Remus had quickly decided to make it look like an unused piece of parchment. That way, they’d even be able to carry it around and no one would become suspicious by a student carrying a piece of folded parchment, blank at that.

But how was the writing, once vanished, supposed to reappear? All the lines, corridors, rooms, names? The longer he worked on his small project, the more he had to acknowledge the immense effort the Marauders had invested in creating such a detailed map.

At first, he’d planned not to let the writing disappear and rather just put an illusion spell over it. But he quickly rejected the idea - not only could illusion spells be discovered by a simple tracking spell, they also were easy to undo unless they were really strong. But he didn't want to put so much magic into it. Same as Potter and Black, he wasn't a weak wizard, but it would be a waste of energy. And even then, they still couldn't be sure the map was safe. A stronger wizard could still cancel the illusion without any problems.

It would be preferable that no one even got the idea that there was more behind the map than could be seen at first glance.

The writing had to disappear for real. And it had to be retrievable again with the password.

He was suddenly torn from his thoughts when two arms looped around him from behind and he wheezed in surprise.

"Psst! Or do you want Madam Pince to show up?" Of course it was Black.

"You scared me," Remus hissed.

"I noticed." Black sat down on the chair next to him. "So, have you found anything yet?"

"Not yet." Remus sighed. "It's not that easy," he said almost apologetically. He continued to search the book for useful information, even though he had been doing that for hours and didn’t feel like he had made any progress. Black laid a hand on Remus’ own one.

"Remus, is everything okay with you?"

Surprised, he looked up. Black was actually looking at him with a worried expression.

"Sure.”

"Really?"

"Really," Remus repeated with emphasis. "It's not like Potter ever treated me better."

In fact, Potter's behavior towards him had gone back to normal again - a fact Remus should have been grateful for - after all, he had made the fatal mistake of rummaging around in his personal stuff. Yet a naive part of him had believed that Potter would leave him in peace with his teasing, even if only so that he could fully concentrate on his research.

"I'm sure you and James will get along better if you show him what you've got. And until then - do you remember what I said? I don't care what you are, and I don't care that sometimes you're a 'boring nerd'," he hinted at one of the names Potter had given him, "I love you anyway.”

Black put a hand on his cheek and kissed him briefly, but Remus paused. Remember - a memory! This was a great idea!

"Remus?” Black sounded worried, but Remus didn't pay any attention to him while he hectically began to search the shelves.

* * *

"Now I'm curious."

The four of them sat on Remus' bed, the map spread out between them. Judging by the expression on Potter's face, he doubted that Remus had found anything useful. At the beginning of his research, Remus had doubted himself as he’d partly suggested to improve the map only to save himself. There were moments when he’d thought Potter capable of anything. It was better not to incur his wrath.

"So," Remus began to explain, "my plan is to include a memory spell." Immediately, questioning glances came up. "When we cast this spell on the map, the parchment remembers the state it’s in at the moment. If we then delete the content - yes, delete it! - nobody can access it anymore. It's really just a piece of paper. But together with the password", and here he looked into the round pointedly, "we set the memory of the parchment in motion. And the map reappears."

"And that works?" Potter still looked doubtful.

"I checked it several times."

Potter seemed to wrestle with himself, then he nodded. "Okay. But,” he looked at Remus threateningly, "if things go wrong, you’ll take responsibility."

Remus swallowed, but he knew it would work. Theoretically.

"Okay, first of all, we have to think of a password."

Everyone was thinking hard. After a few minutes of silence, Black asked, "Any ideas yet?"

"Maybe ... Chudley Cannons?" Pettigrew piped up. Potter shook his head.

"No, it shouldn't be too obvious."

"How about 'Snivellus' snuffling sniffler'," Black suggested. Potter's mouth twisted.

"Do you really want to say that every time we use the map?"

"Not really."

"I feel the same way." Potter made a face.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Remus asked hesitantly. Potter nodded. "I don't have anything concrete yet, but I think it would be better to take a whole sentence than just a word. Otherwise there is a possibility that someone accidentally says the password."

"Sounds logical." Potter excitedly raked a hand through his hair. "But what sentence?"

"It must be something cool," Black said. Remus rolled his eyes, but Potter nodded.

Again, they fell into silence. It slowly became dark outside and Remus was tired. He hadn't fully recovered yet. Then Potter suddenly flicked his finger and slapped his forehead.

"I've got it," he exclaimed and everyone stared at him spellbound. "Do you remember when McGonagall caught me once? When we were playing tricks on the girl's bathroom." Remus had no idea what he was talking about, Black on the other hand probably did because he grinned broadly. "She was so pissed off! Said that if I didn't grow up, I'd never get anywhere."

Black snorted. "That's what my mother always says to me.”

"But", Potter's eyes shone with excitement, "do you know what she said? That I was probably up to no good! I had to laugh so hard when she said that - okay, maybe that had been a mistake, she let me clean the trophy room afterwards without any magic. With a toothbrush!" He smiled as if it was a particularly tender memory.

"And how does that help us now with a password," Black asked.

"You'll like that." Potter grinned mischievously and then imitated McGonagall's stern face. "'I solemnly swear that I’m up to no good'."

Black almost fell from the bed laughing.

"Merlin, that sounds weird," he laughed. "Like something from the last century!”

"That's the whole point! No one would ever say that by mistake. And isn't it cool? Just imagine that when we're on the move again", he sent Remus a sceptical look, "and say this password. That sounds totally mysterious".

The wide grin that spread to Black's face said more than a thousand words.

* * *

"Why are you taking me with you this time?" Remus whispered. Potter, who was walking in front of him and holding his wand over the map like a flashlight, turned around.

"You can regard it as a reward," he whispered back. He smiled. "I'd always thought you'd be a boring bookworm, but obviously you can use your head for cool stuff, too."

Remus wasn't sure whether he should take it as a compliment or an insult.

Only two days after they had put the spell on the map - they had come up with another password to delete the marks: mischief managed - had Black approached him and whispered in his ear that they were planning a little trip that evening - whether he wanted to come? And even though Remus wasn't usually a rule-breaker, he couldn't resist the temptation to find out what exactly the Marauders were doing in the castle at night.

Hogwarts at night was no less creepy together with the others than when he had roamed it alone. He could well remember the evening when he had tried to follow them and had failed. He was also only too aware that he was practically at their mercy, but he trusted Black to the extent that he wouldn't have taken him with him had Potter been up to something. Nevertheless, the presence of the others helped him partially overcome his fear of the dark.

He tried to figure out where they were going, but at some point he lost his bearings. Potter held the map in front of him and checked it every few minutes to make sure they were not running into any patrolling teacher. It was laughably easy with the map. He wondered how Potter had managed to get caught once.

"Okay, we're here," Black whispered to him.

According to Remus' guess, they were somewhere in the basement and, if he wasn't wrong, just below the Great Hall. The corridor in front of them was unusually brightly lit. They were standing right in front of a painting showing a colorful fruit bowl.

Potter whispered, "Mischief managed!" watching the map go blank, then folded it up and put it in his pocket. To Remus' great confusion, he then stepped forward and stroked the painting. Remus had no idea what he was doing, until suddenly the pear in the painting moved and started giggling. His eyes almost fell out of his head in amazement when he realized that Potter actually tickled the pear. A moment later, the pear suddenly turned into a doorknob and Potter grabbed it without hesitation.

Behind the door was a large room that Remus immediately identified as a kitchen. What he hadn't counted on were the dozens of house elves who turned around as they entered. Shocked, he wanted to turn around until one of the house elves stepped forward.

"Can Tipsy bring anything to the gentlemen?" it asked in a squeaky voice.

While Remus was still astonished that the house elves didn't seem to think it was unusual for them to just walk into the kitchen like that, especially at night, Potter placed his order. Remus thought it was quite a lot to ask, but as soon as Potter had finished speaking, the house-elf named Tipsy set to work with a few others. It was an absolutely chaotic bustle, but less than five minutes later they sat down at one of the big tables and were served a midnight snack that could feed more than just four boys.

Remus, who had quickly rediscovered his hunger after night of the full moon, quickly overcame his guilty conscience and took turns between biting into a blueberry muffin and sipping his hot chocolate. Of all the things he had imagined, this situation wasn't one he had thought of. At the moment however he saw no reason to complain.

Black was sitting next to him and stuffed his face with an unashamed appetite. If he did this twice a week, Remus wondered why he hadn't put on mounds of fat yet. Well, he could actually see the nocturnal raids in Pettigrew.

"And you always do that? Sneak into the kitchen and snacking?" He wanted to make sure. Black waved him off.

"By Merlin's beard, no," he said. Potter shoved his side warningly. "Sorry."

"What do you do then?" The late hour made him brave.

"That's none of your business." Potter's face became stony and he knew he had gone too far. To save the situation, he muttered an apology, but the mood remained tense until they had returned to the Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

The next morning - it was a Saturday - Remus got up early and left the dorm to do some of his homework which he had neglected due to his absence on the full moon. At this time of day no one was in the common room and he enjoyed the morning silence as he worked on his three-and-a-half foot essay on the founding of Gringotts.

About two hours later some students had already climbed past him through the portrait hole to go for breakfast and finally he heard someone coming down the stairs from their dorm. He finished his sentence, brushed off the remaining ink on his inkpot and was packing his stuff when Black came to stand next to him with Potter and Pettigrew. Black's hair was completely tousled; he hadn't bothered to comb it yet. Both he and Potter were wearing their Quidditch uniforms and Remus remembered that the second game of the year was to take place today.

"How long have you been awake?" Black asked.

"For a while now, I've been doing homework." He put parchment, his quill and the inkpot in his pocket. Potter grinned at him good-naturedly.

"Cool, which subject? Less work for me."

Inwardly, Remus rolled his eyes because Potter wanted to crib from him again.

"History of Magic."

"Damn it, I don’t have that one!" Potter lamented. Black pushed him into the side.

"Better be happy about it. - Can we go now? I'm hungry".

And as if to confirm that, his stomach growled loudly. They made their way to the Great Hall which was already decorated with floating pumpkins for the upcoming Halloween party.

Although Remus had already eaten during the night, he soon found his appetite at the sight of the opulently laid breakfast table. After eating his usual bowl of porridge, he took a plate of fried bacon, sausages, and two fried eggs that he had eaten in a few minutes, along with a glass of orange juice.

Meanwhile, Potter boasted that his Quidditch team - he was the captain - would sweep Ravenclaw off the pitch. Remus wasn't so interested in Quidditch, at least not to the extent that he could spend hours discussing different tactics or thinking about the strengths and weaknesses of a single player. Black, on the other hand, was on fire for the sport.

"I think we should take care of their new chaser. I saw him a few times during practice and he doesn't seem to be bad at all," Potter said and Black nodded seriously while Pettigrew listened devoutly. Remus doubted that Pettigrew knew much about Quidditch.

Black pushed his side.

"This time you're cheering us on, aren't you?" he asked and Remus blushed as he was so blatantly reminded that he hadn't missed their last game without a reason. He nodded.

* * *

After breakfast, Potter and Black hurried out of the hall and onto the pitch to check the flight conditions. As they got up from the table, Black's hand grazed Remus' own one like by mistake and he flinched. Black had never dared to do anything like this before. He bit his lip to hide a smile.

He caught a glimpse of Pettigrew watching him from the corner of his eye. Remus turned to him.

"Shall we go already? That way, we'll get the best seats."

He drank his glass and got up. Pettigrew's behavior gave him the creeps. At least he would be distracted by the game.

Together they went out of the castle and to the playing field. It was relatively windy, normal weather for autumn, and Remus readjusted his scarf. The sky was covered with grey clouds. They were not the only ones to arrive early, some students were already sitting on the stands, talking or watching the players walking down the field.

They sat in the top row. Pettigrew skidded a bit away from him, but Remus didn’t pay any more attention to him.

As it slowly became more crowded, Remus became restless. Everyone around them was talking to each other, fooling around, laughing or pining after the one or other player. Pettigrew was silent. He seemed to be pondering something.

"So... who do you think will win?" Remus asked to lighten up the mood.

"Gryffindor, of course."

"... of course." Again, they fell into silence. "And ... with how many points?"

Pettigrew shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know ... maybe 250 to 10, maybe 20."

Remus thought this was an absolute overestimation of the capability of Gryffindor’s team, but he just wanted to talk and not start a dispute.

"But then we must score a few goals before Potter catches the snitch," he said. Pettigrew only muttered something as an answer.

What was wrong with him?

The opening whistle resounded and he brought his attention back on the field. The players had already shot up into the sky and it took him a moment to spot Black, who had been the first to grab the Quaffle and was dashing towards the opposing goal with his team's other two chasers. When he passed, however, another chaser zipped in between, caught the quaffle and plunged into the opposite direction.

The game was an eternal back and forth and soon, Remus felt bored. He watched Potter making slow laps across the field, obviously looking for the Snitch.

Then suddenly there was cheering all around him: Black had scored a goal. He clapped along, but didn't jump up. Black flew a lap flew around the field, then seamlessly merged back into the game. Remus never let him out of his sight.

Two goals later, rain set in. He cursed himself for not thinking of an umbrella and hoped that Potter would soon catch the Snitch and end the game so he could come into the dry.

But the game lasted over an hour. The rain had become stronger and it was not easy to see the Snitch’s golden flash through the dense grey veil. Remus felt frozen and was soaked to the skin when the game was finally declared over and he was allowed to set off with the other students.

But before he got far, someone grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. Black stood in front of him, his wet clothes and hair stuck to him like a second skin.

"Didn't you want to congratulate me?" he smiled. Potter, also soaked, with the broom over his shoulder, came to stand next to them.

"Actually, I wanted to get into the dry as quickly as possible.” His voice didn't sound nearly as confident as he wanted it to. With red cheeks he let his gaze slide over Black’s body. He simply couldn't help himself.

Pettigrew suddenly appeared from the crowd, walked towards Potter and hit him on the shoulder in a friendly way.

"Good game," he congratulated and grinned broadly at him, but Potter only sent him an irritated look and then turned around to be cheered on by his housemates, who now gathered around him.

Remus flinched when he suddenly felt a touch on his hand - and suddenly Black embraced him. Remus stiffened - in front of all those people?

But nobody noticed them. There was nothing to it either; by now everyone knew that the two had become friends and everyone was agitated after a Quidditch game and a hug was nothing unusual. Anyway, that was what Remus had to tell himself to calm down and enjoy the hug.

Then Black whispered into his ear and a shiver ran down his spine.

"Tonight, usual place, yeah?"


	17. (No) Dance on Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that aren't comfortable with a tiny bit more mature content, be advised that this chapter has a bit more than snogging going on. It's not explicit at all, which is the reason I left the rating at T.

Remus was nervous. He was waiting in their usual classroom, but he was way too early, although this time he had spent even more time in the bathroom than usual. When he had looked at himself in the mirror, his hair had suddenly stopped liking him and he had combed it again and again, but without success. With a frustrated look at the mirror showing his pale face he had finally left.

But of course, Black wasn't there yet.

Remus nervously smoothed out his school uniform. There was no reason for him to be so fidgety; Black knew how he looked like and had never commented negatively on his appearance in any way.

A few minutes later the door finally opened and Remus gave a start. Black stuck his head in the door. "You're already here!"

He smiled at him as he entered and Remus' knees became jelly. They greeted each other with a hug. Remus noticed that Black must have showered recently; his hair smelled like shampoo and was still a little clammy. But when Black bent down to give him a kiss, he evaded him. He still had something on his mind.

"No, wait a minute," he said as he pushed him away with both hands. Black paused, confused.

"What is it?”

"I - I want to talk to you."

Immediately, Black's smile dimmed as if he had just conjured something sinister.

"But we already talked today."

"Yes, but ... not about that. Please, it's important to me." Remus hated how timid his voice sounded.

Black sighed. Then he leaned against the edge of a nearby table, hands in his pockets.

"All right then, go ahead."

Remus wondered how to start. Everything had sounded logical in his head. Now as he was thinking on how to begin, everything he could think of sounded far too emotional. In no way did he want Black to have another reason to call him a girl.

Finally, he pressed out, "It's just that I feel that I'm not as important to you as I was during the summer holidays."

Blacks eyes widened.

"Not so important anymore? Remus, if anything, you have become even more important to me!”

"You say that, but somehow we spend less and less time together. And when we meet here, then ... well, then we only kiss and stuff, but we don't talk to each other. Or we argue".

"So you don't want me to kiss you?"

"No! I mean, yes! Damn, you’re misunderstanding me ..." Remus lowered himself onto a nearby chair and raked a hand through his hair. For a moment no one said anything.

"Then explain it to me," Black finally said. "I want to understand you.”

Remus stared at the floor. He couldn't look at him. His ears were already glowing.

"I want to be kissed by you. Really. I like it, even - very much." He swallowed. "But is that really everything a relationship should be about? You said that you loved me, but right now I feel like you only want to sleep with me." To his horror he felt his eyes starting to burn. He didn't dare to wipe his hand over them.

Black sighed.

"I think I know what you mean.” Remus glanced up; Black looked straight into his eyes. "But what do you expect me to do? I can't behave differently in front of James, it would be too noticeable. You were the one who didn’t want us to come out. And when we’re here, finally alone, well, can you really blame me that I can't keep my hands off you?"

Remus' face was red as a tomato. It was a mystery to him how Black could talk so openly about this.

"We could meet more often and then also talk to each other," Black finally suggested. "But then we have to be more careful. James really wants to find out which girl I’m seeing and Peter, well, he likes to snoop. Especially if the two of us always disappear at the same time, they might become suspicious at some point."

Remus suddenly had a thought.

"The map!”

Black looked at him confused.

"What about it?”

"Can't Potter see we're here? He can track anyone with the map."

Black nodded.

"Yes, he could. But he has promised me, hand on heart, not to do it. And then he won’t do so either.” He grinned. "He also finds it much more exciting to find out for himself.”

Remus was not completely convinced. But the fact that they still hadn't been discovered proved Black was right.

Suddenly, Black was in front of him and pulled him close.

"So, how about that kiss?"

* * *

They decided that this time, Remus should leave the classroom first. Black would follow in a few minutes so it wouldn't look like they had been together somewhere.

Remus had just closed the classroom behind himself and began to turn left when he was approached from the other side.

"Hey, Lupin! Where did you leave Sirius?"

For a terrible moment, he thought they had blown their cover. But when he turned to Potter who was approaching him from a few yards away, his shadow Pettigrew in tow, he knew there was nothing to worry about. Well, apart from Black coming out of the same abandoned classroom as he had done in a few minutes. He had to leave.

"I don't know," he replied to Potter's question. "I thought he was with you?"

"No." Potter scratched his head and leaned against the wall right next to the door behind which Black was waiting. "He’s probably off snogging his girlfriend again." He watched him closely. "You don't happen to know who he's dating?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. He was strongly hoping that his smooching with Black a few minutes earlier wouldn’t be too obvious. "I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Would have been too easy." Potter pushed himself off the wall. "But why would you even know something like that? You've never had a girlfriend." He grinned. "I wonder why that is."

Remus swallowed. Potter was too close to the truth.

"I just haven't found the right one yet?" It sounded more like a question. Remus could have slapped himself.

Now Pettigrew also spoke up.

"Maybe he's a girl himself, they get sick every four weeks." He giggled behind his hands. Remus frowned. Being bullied by Potter was nothing new, but Pettigrew usually kept in the background. It was the first time he had interfered.

"I have a weak health." He already knew that it would have been better not to say anything at all. Even to his ears this excuse had sounded weak. Pettigrew's eyes fixated him coldly.

"It's really strange how regularly you have poor health," he said. Potter laughed about it.

Remus flinched. It was almost as if Pettigrew knew about his secret. His gaze flitted to the door, but he immediately forced himself again to redirect it to the two boys in front of him. Black wouldn’t betray him like that. Surely he was wrong. Pettigrew couldn't know anything about his illness. Or did he? A shiver ran down his spine as he remembered that the map was in the possession of the Marauders. Potter might not look and trace his whereabouts, but could he be sure Pettigrew didn't either?

But Pettigrew didn’t say anything more, staring at him only from narrowed, hateful eyes. Surely he would have said something long ago if he really knew about his secret. Surely he had only imagined it all.

Remus looked at the clock. It was close to curfew.

"I gotta go.”

He almost fled.

* * *

The Great Hall was decorated with pumpkins and candles hovering in the air, bathing everything in an orange, ghostly light. The students were streaming through the entrance gates and chatting excitedly.

Remus preferred to stay in the background. This night was a full moon. He felt weak and would have preferred to stay in his bed in the dorms, but that would have been too conspicuous on an evening like this. So he saw himself forced to make his way through the chatting crowd of students to find a seat in one of the corners.

Black and Potter had dressed up, both dressed in traditional wizard robes. Remus couldn't take his eyes off Black. His long, black hair had been tied back with a braid; only a few strands escaping and loosely framing his face, adding to his dashing persona. His robe was just as black and fitted him like a glove. In contrast to Remus' own one, which was already mended in several places and a bit too big for him.

Black had barely arrived in the Great Hall as several girls jumped at him. From the corner of his eye, Remus observed how they approached and then touched him as if they were claiming property. He tried not to make anything of it. After all, he could hardly be in their place and just touch Black like that. But when one of them - a pretty blonde one - linked arms with him, he could no longer deny the feeling of jealousy that was rising inside him.

Music set in and couples quickly formed, dancing to the fast beat. Potter had found Evans and seemed to ask her if she wanted to dance with him. To Remus' surprise she agreed and soon, the two whirled across the dance floor together.

His gaze fell back on Black, who was barely visible in the cluster of girls around him. The hair on Remus' arms stood up. He knew he was more sensitive than usual just before the full moon, but that didn't help him overcome the sting in his chest when Black and the blonde girl just came out of the knot of people and went out onto the dance floor as well.

They made a beautiful couple, Black and this girl. Black was completely dark, black hair, black robes; while she was exactly the opposite, light hair and a robe which was the color of the moon. He gritted his teeth together.

After a few minutes, Black changed his dance partner; he was now moving in the slow rhythm of a waltz with a brunette girl who couldn't keep her eyes off him. Potter, on the other hand, was still dancing with Evans.

"Would you like to dance?"

He startled and looked up.

In front of him stood a girl whose name he didn’t remember immediately. She must have been a year or two below him, at least he couldn't remember sharing any subject with her. She was unobtrusive; mousy brown hair like himself and watery-blue eyes that glanced at him shyly, hands crossed behind her back. Her robes were made of grey satin.

Remus looked around, but he was sitting alone on the bench. She had actually meant him.

Before the pause could become embarrassing, he hastened to say, "Sure, I'd love to." He took her hand in his and stepped onto the dance floor, unsure how to proceed.

"Do you know how to dance?" she asked him.

"Um, yes." At least a little.

Carefully, he put a hand on her shoulder and the other one on her waist and began to move to the beat of the music. He didn't know exactly where to look while dancing; right into her face felt too intimate, but it seemed rude to him to look to the side. Finally, he fixed his gaze on a point on her ear, which seemed ridiculous to him, but he couldn't help himself.

They danced for a while without talking to each other and Remus was happy when the music got faster again and the mood was no longer romantic.

Suddenly, someone tapped his shoulder.

"Mind if I take over?"

It was Black who had suddenly approached him and with a skillful whirl got his hands on the girl and danced away with her. Remus remained standing on the dance floor in disbelief. He couldn't believe that Black had suddenly stolen the only girl who had wanted to dance with him. He hastened to leave the floor and retreat into his corner, then he searched for Black.

There he was dancing with the shy brunette. She seemed completely overwhelmed by the fact that Sirius Black, Hogwarts’ lady killer, had so suddenly swept her off her feet.

What made him do it? Couldn't he also let him have a little fun?

Or, the thought suddenly came to him, was he as jealous as himself?

Remus observed the evening sky. According to his estimate, he still had over an hour before it was time for him to go to the Whomping Willow. But it seemed as if he didn’t have a lot to do here anymore. He might as well make himself comfortable in the hut.

Quietly, he left the Great Hall and made his way outside.

When he had left the doors of the Great Hall behind him, he halted. It was almost completely dark. The air was cool and clear and only a few clouds covered the sky.

"Here you are."

He startled and whirled around. Black was standing behind him, having sneaked up on him without a sound.

"Why are you out here?" Remus asked in a low voice. He didn't even know why he was whispering.

"I could ask you the same thing," Black replied with a shrug of his shoulder.

"Today’s a full moon.” Remus pointed to the night sky.

"How long do you have?"

"I wanted to be in the hut in an hour. Where I’ll turn. It’s safer".

"And how long until your ... transformation?"

"Probably an hour and a half." It was strange to talk about it with anyone.

Black grinned mischievously; he pulled him further away from the door and into an alcove so that they could no longer be seen from the hall.

"Then we still have some time."

"Time for what-"

But he didn't get far because Black had already pulled him and kissed him on the mouth.

The hair on Remus' neck bristled. He grabbed the collar of Black’s festive robes and pulled him even closer. Something in him reacted much more strongly than usual to this tenderness; his heart had already begun to beat faster at the first touch. Impatiently, he opened Black's robes, pulled his shirt out of his pants and shoved his hands under it. Black's skin felt cooler than his own, probably because he himself was smoldering.

"You're really wild today," Black teased him, but Remus pulled him back and kissed him enthusiastically. Black buried his hands in his hair and pulled it slightly; it hurt a bit, but at the same time only spurred him on more. His whole body was tingling with excitement as he pressed his hips against him. One part of him was embarrassed by this movement, but most of him didn't care. He just had to feel it.

Black released his hands from his hair, let them wander over his back down to his bottom and squeezed playfully. Remus could no longer suppress a moan. Shamelessly he moved his hips against Black’s, leaving traces on his neck.

He just couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't enough.

"Black, please-" He gasped in his ear.

"Please what?"

But he already knew what he meant, as Remus noticed when one of his hands left his bottom and wandered to his front. Without hesitation he unzipped his pants and let his hand slide between his pants and boxer shorts.

Remus flinched as he felt the sudden contact. When his knees turned to jelly, he leaned against Black who held him tight.

"Oh Merlin ..."

It just felt incredibly good. Much better than as it was described in the love stories. And much better than he had ever been able to achieve for himself.

Remus buried his face in the crook of Black’s neck and tried to make as few noises as possible, which he did not quite succeed at. Black held him tightly; without him, he probably would have sunken to the ground. His hand moved evenly back and forth as he kissed his neck gently. Finally, a tremor ran through Remus' entire body. A sigh slipped over his lips, then he relaxed.

Black pulled his hand out of his pants, pulled up the zipper again and continued to hold him tightly. Remus was infinitely grateful to him for not saying a word.

Then he remembered that he had to hurry.

Reluctantly, he withdrew from their embrace.

"Thank you - I mean, that was nice." He cleared his throat. "But I have to go. The moon will be visible in less than half an hour, maybe even sooner."

Black nodded, but still gave him a short kiss on the lips. Remus almost wanted to stay, consequences be damned.

He had to force himself to turn around and run to the Whomping Willow.

* * *

Peter Pettigrew watched Lupin disappear beneath the Whomping Willow. He had often observed the boy, but only on the map. Since the beginning of the school year he’d had a suspicion, but he could never be sure if it was true.

He still had to concentrate hard to transform himself into his Animagus form. He squeezed his eyes together and then suddenly a fat, grey rat was cowering on the spot where an inconspicuous, pudgy boy had just been standing. It lifted its little snout and sniffed, as if it wanted to pick up a trail. Then it scurried towards the pasture with a soft squeak.

The branches of the Whomping Willow were swiping at the little animal, but thanks to its size it was able to evade without any problems. It ran quickly through the high grass until it finally reached the trunk of the tree and activated a knot-shaped root.

Immediately, the whole tree froze. It became quiet.

The rat ran into the hole, always further, until it finally saw a light at the end of the corridor. The earthy ground of the underground passage changed into wood, then there was a narrow staircase leading up. The rat jumped up and looked around the corner of a door frame.

A boy was cowering there, completely naked. His skin was pale and scarred, most of it only silvery threads by now, others were pink in their various phases of fading.

With a jolt, the boy doubled over.

Suddenly, the rat could scent something else in the air. Something that was no longer human.

The boy gasped. With horror, the rat watched his head lengthen. Something was moving under his skin, hair was pricking through the tortured skin, bones were shifting.

Then it was over. The same way the rat had appeared all of a sudden, the boy had suddenly disappeared and in his place-

A deep growl filled the room. Yellow eyes stared directly at the little rodent.

The rat squeaked and took flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants Peter to be a werewolf's midnight snack? :3


	18. The hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, I'm already back with a new chapter (and skillfully ignoring the paper I have to write for University :P)!

Sirius Black was floating on cloud nine.

He’d just experienced the most intimate moment with Remus they had ever shared. Originally, he hadn't hoped for more than a little smooching on Halloween night. His boyfriend had swept him off his feet with his fierce reaction. But he wouldn't be Sirius Black if he hadn't taken this chance. He could only hope that Remus wouldn't be so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to repeat it the next day. Well, he had means to get him around.

The only problem was the full moon. Frustrated, he stared at the pale yellow disc that had appeared in the sky a few minutes ago. The moonlight illuminated the entire grounds up to the Whomping Willow under which Remus had disappeared and down to the Forbidden Forest which was as black and impenetrable as always.

Suddenly, a small movement at the edge of his field of vision caught his attention. It came directly from the Whomping Willow.

He narrowed his eyes to sharpen his vision. A small animal slipped out from under the tree and scurried furiously fast through the grass, straight towards him. Black recognized him immediately. Ice spread out in his stomach.

With a wave of his thoughts he turned into his Animagus form, just in time to catch the rat wanting to rush past him with one of his big paws. It squealed as he pinned it to the ground and stared at him in panic.

Then it transformed. Peter stood in front of him. His eyes were wide with shock and Black was sure it wasn't just because he had scared him. He transformed back again, still holding on to Peter.

"What have you done?” he growled, but even before he said these words he knew.

Peter knew Remus' secret. And he had followed him.

"Have you gone insane?" he yelled at the frightened boy. "You could have been killed!”

"I know, I know," Peter cried. "I didn't want ..." His eyes suddenly widened so much that they almost bulged out. "I- I forgot-"

Black lost his patience.

"What did you forget?"

But it was too late.

A howl tore through the night.

Peter lost all color in his face. Slowly, Black turned his head in the direction the sound had come from.

At the foot of the Whomping Willow was a creature he had previously only seen in schoolbooks. The moonlight illuminated its shape. It almost looked like a wolf, but it was much bigger, its muzzle slightly longer. Its yellow eyes looked directly at him.

Then it began to run towards them.

Peter screamed and wriggled under his grip. Black grabbed his collar and hissed "Get James!" at him, then he transformed back into his Animagus form, a large black dog. All his instincts were screaming to do the opposite as he ran towards the werewolf, blocked its way and chased it into the Forbidden Forest.

* * *

Peter ran up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. As a rat he probably would have been even faster, but in his panic he didn't think about it.

He had forgotten to reactivate the knot on the Whomping Willow. It had all happened so quickly. His suspicion that Lupin wasn’t normal had been confirmed and he had just wanted to get out of the hut as fast as he could. And then he’d simply forgotten. He couldn't have helped it!

Out of breath, he arrived at the upper landing of the tower and wheezed out the password. The painting only wrinkled its nose at his sweaty condition, but opened. Immediately, he spotted James on one of the sofas near the fireplace, engrossed in a conversation with Evans. They had already taken off their robes.

"James!”

James looked up, visibly annoyed that he had interrupted him.

"What do you want, Peter? Can’t you see that I'm talking to Lily right now?" He smiled lovingly at her and wrapped an arm around her.

"But it's important!” Peter flailed about. How could he make it clear to him without betraying everything? He leaned over to him and hissed into his ear, "It’s Sirius. And Lupin! They’re in trouble!”

James pushed Peter away and frowned.

"And you're sure that's more important?"

"Yes!" Peter shouted desperately. "Please, you have to come with me!”

James rolled his eyes.

"All right. But if it isn’t important you’ll be sorry!” With an apologetic look at his red-haired sweetheart he got up. Relieved, Peter led him out of the common room and together they ran down the stairs, turned around several corners and hurried further through the corridors towards the Great Hall.

"Would you please tell me what's going on?" James demanded to know. They had arrived at the doors of the Great Hall. Peter struggled for breath as he tried to answer.

"Lupin - I was - I was right!”

"What?” James looked at him confused. "What were you right about?"

Peter gasped and looked at him.

"Lupin - he’s a werewolf!”

James opened his mouth and for a short moment Peter was proud that for once, he had been smarter than him. Then he remembered what situation he was in.

"But we have to hurry! He’s broken out and Sirius has run with him into the Forbidden Forest!”

James' eyes widened as he understood the gravity of the situation.

"Why didn't you say so sooner?"

Without losing another word, he ran out of the castle, ignoring whether Peter was following him at all.

The full moon was flaunting itself in the sky. James had never been interested in it, but it was a bad sign for this night. As fast as he could, he ran towards the edge of the forest and, as he had arrived among the trees, transformed into a majestic stag.

He had to find Sirius before it was too late.

* * *

Sirius rushed through the forest. Dry branches crunched under him. He had scratched one of his paws on a thorny bush and every leap hurt, but he had to keep running because the werewolf was close on his heels. He had never been this deep inside the Forbidden Forest before and he was afraid of getting lost if he got even deeper into it.

When he arrived at a clearing, he believed he was far enough from the edge of the forest to stop the werewolf from running to the castle. Besides, he couldn't run all night. He couldn't shake off the werewolf either as he was too fast for that and he didn't want to leave Remus alone.

He had to remember that it was Remus who had just arrived at the clearing and stopped a few meters in front of him. It was hard to imagine how a quiet, shy boy like Remus could turn into such a monster.

The werewolf came closer. Sirius growled.

Then the beast threw itself at him. Sirius felt claws getting caught in his fur and a big, drooling snout snap at him. He fought back with all his might, even if he was afraid to hurt him.

Suddenly, the werewolf's teeth sank into his shoulder. Sirius yowled, panic shot through his body. The werewolf had bitten him. What did that mean for him? Was he infected?

With a bark, he shook off the werewolf, but it got back on his feet in a matter of seconds and began to circle around him. Sirius' shoulder was hurting. His paw was throbbing.

Only now did he realize how serious the situation he had brought himself into was.

He could die that night.

The werewolf was about to attack, when suddenly a stag jumped out of the bushes.

* * *

The sounds of fighting could be heard from afar.

James did not see a single animal on his way through the Forbidden Forest; it was as if this part of the forest had died out. Because of this he could hear the werewolf’s howling all too well. But what worried him even more was the howling of another animal that suddenly cut through the night.

He jumped over a bush and was suddenly in a clearing. A frightening picture presented itself in front of him. Sirius was in his Animagus form. His shoulder was bleeding and he was holding up one paw, as if he couldn't put it down properly.

A werewolf was standing right in front of him. James immediately realized it was one; they had read enough about it in class. Enough to know that a confrontation with such a creature could be fatal. Nevertheless, he lowered his head to attack. His antlers were just as dangerous.

Sirius had already discovered him, but the werewolf hadn’t as he had his back to him. James began to run, kept his head lowered and rammed the beast with all his might with his protruding antlers. The werewolf howled, then made a sound, half growling, half barking. Sirius threw himself into the brawl.

The werewolf resisted stubbornly and snapped at them; James could barely prevent it from ripping his throat open. But the werewolf had no chance against two of them. They fought for a few more moments; then suddenly its howling stopped and it stopped defending himself.

Astonished, James watched as the werewolf stretched all four paws away from itself and showed them its belly, its tail pulled in. It seemed to be a sign of submission.

Sirius growled at it one last time, then nodded at James. Together, they let go of the werewolf. It stayed there for a moment, then got back on its feet and began to lick its wounds. Astounded, James watched Sirius do the same and starting to clean his paw.

He waited tensely to see if the werewolf would attack them again. But when after a few minutes nothing of the sort had happened, he gradually relaxed.

Finally, Sirius hesitantly approached the werewolf and nudged it with his snout. James watched very closely as the werewolf leaned its head against Sirius’. It looked like an offer of peace. And Sirius accepted it. When both finally got up, Sirius gave him a sign and the three disappeared in the shade of the trees.

James would always call this night one of the craziest of his life.

* * *

The first thing Remus noticed was the chirping of birds coming through the open window, a cool breeze stroking his face pleasantly. Slowly, to get used to the light, he opened his eyes.

As was to be expected, he was lying in the hospital wing. Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen, but he knew she would soon come scurrying in to mother him to death. His head was throbbing and he closed his eyes once more before he sat up and reached for the large glass of water, which he knew was standing by his bed after every full moon night.

He almost dropped the glass when he saw who was sitting next to his bed.

Black, Potter and Pettigrew.

And with them, the memories swooshed back.

Blurred pictures appeared in front of him; a rat that had looked very appetizing, a dark, much too narrow hallway and suddenly the smell of fresh night air, of freedom. Then hunger. A wild hunt among old trees, fights, pain - Remus flinched - and the knowledge of having been defeated.

The longer he rummaged around in these new memories, the sharper they were in his head; had it been a wolf he had fought with, or had it been a dog? He had been his equal, but he had also hurt him. And then the image of a stag, the sharp pain when he had attacked him with its antlers. Remus stared straight ahead. These memories made no sense. Where had the dog and the stag come from?

"Are you okay, Moony?"

Slowly, Remus turned his head.

He didn’t understand.

"What did you call me?”

Black, who sat closest to him, smiled sheepishly.

"Moony. You know, because of ..." He waved his hand as if this gesture could somehow describe his illness. "We found it appropriate."

"Appropriate - you found it-" Remus moved his eyes to Potter who was sitting next to Black, then to Pettigrew leaning against the wall a little further away. His face looked white.

Suddenly, he realized that they knew.

They knew his secret. His illness.

"How could you?" He didn't yell at him, he spoke very quietly. His throat felt rough, but that was not the only reason why he felt too weak to raise his voice.

"Don’t get it wrong!” Black hurried to say. "I didn't betray you." He moved his chair a little closer to his bed. "It was an accident.”

Remus was confused. "What do you mean?"

Potter then gave Black a warning look that Remus couldn't place, then looked at the door at the other end of the hospital wing behind which Pomfrey had to be.

"You ... escaped. And ran towards the castle. I had no choice but to lure you into the forest." 

"To lure me into the forest? I don't understand. I can't remember-"

Then he realized. But no, it couldn't be. Could he really have hidden that from him the whole time?

Of course he could. Unlike himself, he wasn’t forced to transform. He stared at Black in shock. His black eyes were impenetrable.

Remus whispered, "You're an Animagus."

Black nodded. Then Remus caught sight of his bandaged shoulder.

"Is that-"

"Yes." Black lowered his head and avoided to look him into the eyes. The thought of having infected someone else with his illness made Remus feel queasy. He absolutely had to clear it up.

His voice was quiet when he asked, "Were you transformed at the time I bit you?”

Black nodded again and Remus closed his eyes in relief.

"What does that mean for me?" Black looked at him desperately. "Am I now also-"

"No." Remus smiled at him timidly. "You can only get infected as a human, not as an animal. You’ll be fine.”

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. I've learned quite a bit about my illness, you know."

"And if he's wrong, we'll still notice it on the next full moon," Potter joked and Black gave him a devastated look.

"Hey, this is my life you’re talking about!”

"You heard Moony, you’re fine! So don’t worry."

Remus narrowed his eyes pensively as he looked at Potter.

"And you were-"

"Yes, my Animagus form is a stag." He looked nervously at the nurse's door. "But that's our secret, is that clear? Animagi have to register with the ministry, but we didn't do that, so nobody should know."

"But why didn't you register?"

Potter laughed quietly.

"Where's all the fun in that?" His eyes glinted. Remus got the impression that he suddenly treated him much more openly than the night before. "Speaking of fun ..." Without warning, he grabbed Remus’ shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug. Remus was far too perplexed to react. "This is so crazy! I’d never have guessed that you’re a werewolf!” Although he spoke quietly and there was no reason to fear that they could be overheard, Remus felt uncomfortable about Potter speaking so openly about his illness. Meanwhile, he had let go of him again, but still grinned at him broadly. "That's why we decided to take you in with us. As of today you’re officially a Marauder!”

He said it as if it was a special award, but Remus could only spare him a tired smile. He was still shocked that so many people suddenly knew of his secret.

He took a deep breath.

"You must promise me one thing.” He was aware that he also had some leverage against them now. "You mustn’t tell anyone about my illness. Do you hear? No one. Not your parents, brothers or sisters - not even Evans," he added with a side glance at Potter. If they betrayed him, he could still get back at them by ratting them out to the ministry.

But he would rather do without that. Because while the Marauders might have to pay a fine, he would lose every opportunity to continue visiting Hogwarts. His life would be completely different.

When he became aware of the consequences of his situation, cold shivers went down his spine. Black must have noticed his sudden weakness, because he suddenly pushed him back onto the mattress and covered him up to his chin.

"You'd better rest now." Tenderly, he stroked a strand of hair out of his face so that Remus was worried that the others might notice something. But Potter was still revelling in his daydreams, probably imagining what they could do with a werewolf, so he didn’t notice anything.

And Pettigrew?

Remus turned his head to the most inconspicuous member of the former trio of Marauders and flinched. He had already noticed many gloomy looks from him, but the hateful glimmer in his eyes surpassed all previous ones. Was it because he was a werewolf? Or did he just not like him?

Finally, Pomfrey came out of her room. Busy as ever, she scurried to his bed and told the boys to leave their patient alone. Before they left, Potter playfully shoved his side again and Black smiled at him as if to say he didn't have to worry anymore. Then they disappeared from the hospital wing and he was alone.

Feeling torn inside, Remus stared at the ceiling.

Although he had wished for years to be treated so well by the Marauders, he couldn't really enjoy it now. They still didn't care about him. It was the wolf they were interested in.

That hurt more than mere ignorance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Remus, he never gets a break :P


	19. Lost thread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! :)

Remus was already able to leave the hospital wing again in the early afternoon. His bones were still aching from last night and as soon as he arrived in the common room, he had nothing else in mind but to retreat into the dorm and fall into his bed.

Unfortunately, the moment he slipped through the portrait hole, his plans were foiled.

"Remus, there you are!” Potter waved at him from his spot on one of the sofas. The common room was completely empty except for the Marauders. Most of the students were now in the library or outside romping around in the freshly fallen snow. The fact that the Marauders were not outside as well and instead were sitting around in here showed him that they had obviously waited for him.

He saw that Potter, Black and Pettigrew seemed to be playing their favorite card game again. Remus just smiled at them, somewhat strained, and walked past them towards the dorm.

Potter called out to him, "Hey, where are you going?"

"Sleeping." He stopped briefly. A mistake, as it turned out. "I'm still tired."

"You can still sleep later. Come on, play with us!"

Potter was already dragging him to the sofa. Too exhausted to object, Remus dropped onto one of the sofas right next to Black who looked at him apologetically.

He wasn't exactly faster at card games in his condition, but at least he tried. Nevertheless, he lost almost every round. He was glad that there was at least a warming fire burning in the fireplace next to them. It was a blessing for his aching limbs.

At some point he noticed that Potter watching him. He tried to ignore it, but it just distracted him too much.

"Is anything wrong?" Even to his ears he sounded irritated. Potter didn't look away from him.

"I just wonder what it’s like. To be a werewolf, I mean.”

Remus flinched. There was no one in the common room except them, but he was uncomfortable hearing someone speak about it in a location like this.

"Not so great," he said vaguely, hoping that Potter would understand the hint and not inquire further.

"Since when have you been a werewolf?" Potter continued. Remus put his cards into his lap.

"Since I was five. Can we please change the subject now?”

Potter just ignored the question. He asked with gleaming eyes, "How did it happen?”

Remus gritted his teeth. Didn't Potter notice how tactless he was?

"This is really too personal now."

"Come on, don't be a spoilsport!"

He was getting a headache. Looking for help he turned to Black, but he had the same curious expression on his face as Potter. Pettigrew on the other hand looked as if he had bitten into a sour lemon.

"All right. But please stop asking after that, okay?” He stared at Potter, who immediately nodded in agreement. Remus sighed. The memory he was supposed to dig up wasn't a nice one.

"As I said, I was five," he began. "My parents and I lived in the country and I played in the fields every day. My mother," he swallowed, "always kept an eye on me. She didn't want me to go too far away from the house. But most of the time I didn't listen to her, I kept walking through the fields and sometimes even to the nearby forest." He took a deep breath. Now he just wanted to get it out. "One day I walked further than ever before. I walked up to the forest and inside. And I got lost. Suddenly, I didn't know in which direction my home was and I continued walking, but it was the wrong direction. But I didn't know that." He trembled. "And then it got dark. I could still see enough because it was a full moon. I even ran towards it, towards the werewolf. It looked human from afar. I thought he could help me get home."

Despite the fire, he felt cold. Black moved closer to him.

"It's strange," Remus added absently, "when I think about it now, it seems to me that it knew exactly what it was doing. There was this hesitation, you know? And then it did it anyway."

They had listened to him as if spellbound. But now Black interrupted the silence.

"But how did you escape? Why didn't it kill you?"

"My parents had been looking for me for hours. The moment I was bitten, they showed up. If they had found me just a little earlier, then none of this would have happened."

"Then you wouldn't be a werewolf now," Black clarified.

"Well, I'm glad that we have a werewolf with us!” Potter patted his shoulder amicably. Remus bit his lip, but didn’t say anything.

* * *

When Potter finally let him go, Remus almost closed his eyes. Deadbeat, he staggered up the stairs to their dorm. Arriving there, he didn't even bother to change and just slipped his shoes off his feet before he dropped onto his bed. He lay on his stomach, his arms wrapping around the pillow into which he buried his head.

Before he could fall asleep, the door opened.

"Moony?”

Remus hated that nickname. It was just emphasizing the part which shouldn’t represent him. At least he felt that his illness shouldn't represent him as a whole. He recognized the voice as Black who had followed him upstairs. He could only guess that Potter and Pettigrew had gone outside to finally play in the snow. The mattress dipped as Black sat on it. Remus turned his head to look at him. Black smiled at him.

"I'm glad James knows now," he admitted.

"How nice for you." Remus pressed his face back into the soft pillow. Black’s smile faded.

"Are you angry about something?"

"I'm tired."

"But also angry."

"Yes."

"Why?"

Remus groaned. When would this day finally end?

"Because Potter seems to think of me as some kind of exhibition piece."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I mean that he seems to think it's cool that I'm a werewolf! He interrogated me the entire time we were playing cards, even about completely personal things. Those were things I haven’t even told you."

Black kept silent and seemed to think. After a while, Remus felt his hand slowly stroking through his hair. Then he heard him say, "But is that so bad? I mean, can't you understand how crazy it’s for James that you’re a werewolf suddenly?”

"First of all, I'm not ‘suddenly’ a werewolf; I've always been one. And secondly, no, I can't understand. Neither do I want to."

"At least try to."

"I just don't want Potter to only see the wolf in me! Contrary to him, I know what it's like to go through this every month. He’s always ignored me before and now suddenly he pretends that we’re best friends! This hypocrisy makes me sick!"

Black’s hand in his hair paused.

"You don't even know James," he defended his friend. "He means no harm, he's just curious."

"Hopefully he can at least keep a secret to himself.”

"Would you calm down?” Now Black withdrew his hand. "That's still James we're talking about here, my best friend! I know that you don't like him, but that's no reason to talk about him like that!”

Surprised at his sudden outburst, Remus lifted his head again and looked up at him. Black seemed really angry; his face had turned red, his expression resolute and his arms crossed in front of his body. Remus sensed that he should defuse the situation, but he was tired and angry.

"But that's how I feel," he insisted without a word of apology.

"Why are you like that all of a sudden? I don't know you like that at all.”

"I’ve always been like that. Maybe you just haven't noticed yet.”

Black gritted his teeth.

"I don't believe that.”

"Believe what you want. Maybe you should’ve doublechecked that before we became friends. Then I wouldn't have this problem now."

He had hurt Black, he knew that as soon as he had said these words. It was written all over his face; he was still clenching his teeth so badly that it looked painful, his eyes shining treacherously, his whole posture stiff. Without saying another word, Black got up, walked out of the dorm and slammed the door behind him.

* * *

Remus had slept through the rest of the afternoon and the night. When he woke up the next morning, he wouldn't necessarily have called himself rested, but he felt a little better than the day before. In the shower, he looked at the new injuries caused by the last full moon. They were mainly scratch marks on his neck and side, but there was also a bite mark, probably from Black in his Animagus form.

While he was washing his hair, he thought about yesterday's events. Black and Potter were Animagi, as was Pettigrew as they had told him later. On the one hand, he was impressed that they had learned such a difficult transformation. Especially Pettigrew, who was rather mediocre in class, and he envied them a bit that they possessed this ability. On the other hand, he didn't like the fact that they hadn't registered with the Ministry. Who knew what would become out of it? Should any of them ever become criminals, they could use their Animagus forms to their advantage, and he would be the only one who could see through them. Not that he thought any of them was a criminal, though.

He reached for the body wash. The memory of yesterday's fight with Black came back. He was torn between anger and sadness. At the moment, however, he tended towards sadness. He had just been so tired that he hadn't paid attention to how he chose his words. He had just wanted to be left alone. By the time Black left, he had fallen asleep quite quickly, but only because he had been so exhausted, not because he had a clear conscience.

Still, he wished Black would be a little more on his side when it came to Potter. But the two had been such close friends since their first year of school that they couldn't be separated. Almost like a couple, he thought for a moment, knowing it was nonsense. The two had other things in common.

What did they have in common, Black and Remus himself? Since the day Black had asked him to be his friend he had asked himself that again and again. He had to smile when he thought back to the puppy eyes Black had made at him. Now he knew where he got that resemblance to a dog.

But what did they have in common? Black was a daredevil, a Casanova. He was extroverted and one of the most popular students, one of the most sought-after singles. Only that he wasn't actually single.

Something in his stomach felt heavy like a stone. Their relationship would have to remain secret, he had been aware of that from the beginning. But still, when he thought back to the Halloween dance, he wished he hadn't just watched Black from afar and in secret.

He turned off the shower and dried off.

He didn't want to argue with Black. He wanted to be with him, even though he couldn't explain why. Grinning and turning slightly red, he thought back to how Black had followed him on Halloween. And what he had done to him. Never in his life would he have initiated something like this on his own, but Black knew no shame in such things. And that was a good thing, as Remus had to admit, because otherwise he would probably never come out of his shell.

When he had finally finished dressing himself, he set off for breakfast. Thinking of Black had given him new energy and he felt refreshed.

With the intention of apologizing to Black for his behavior as soon as he could and possibly talking to him again in private, he entered the Great Hall. Even from a distance he could see him sitting at the Gryffindor table with Potter and Pettigrew. He walked over to them, exhilarated. Potter saw him first and beckoned him over.

"Good morning," he greeted him. Remus smiled at him amiably and plunked himself down next to him, opposite of Black. He reached for a bread roll and some jam, then looked at Black.

Black sat there like frozen. His face was serious and didn't show the slightest hint of a smile. Involuntarily, Remus flinched.

"Good morning to you, too," he addressed him. But Black didn’t answer. Instead, he turned back to his own breakfast.

Remus was confused. Why did Black act so strangely? Potter on the other hand hadn't noticed any of this and was chatting happily to him.

"Are you feeling better today?" he asked and Remus turned to him again, if only to stop looking at Black. The expression on his face frightened him because he couldn't place it.

He nodded at Potter.

"Yes, now that I've slept." He couldn't quite resist the slightly accusing tone in his voice, but Potter just grinned at him.

"Sorry, man," he said, just biting heartily into a toast slice. "But what about today? Sirius and I wanted to play a round of Quidditch right away, would you like to come with us?”

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm good enough for that." Besides, he wasn't interested in being defeated in the game by the two of them. "And I have to write two more essays."

Potter pulled a face, but accepted his answer.

In the next half hour Remus entirely devoted himself to his breakfast. Potter and Black discussed Quidditch strategies and Potter's latest relationship with Evans while Pettigrew tried to contribute to their conversation somehow. Remus watched Black; with his other friends, he was behaving like always. He even laughed once about a joke Potter had made.

Was it him? He had to think about last night. Was Black still angry about that?

When they finally left the Great Hall, Potter went ahead to get his broom and Pettigrew ran after him. Remus grabbed Black’s arm.

"What's the matter with you?" he whispered. Not too loud, because there were classmates all around them. He didn't want anyone to listen in.

Black shook him off and looked at him with the same stony look he had at breakfast.

"You know that very well." His tone was cold, so different from what he was used to. A lump of ice formed in Remus' stomach.

"Is it because of yesterday?”

"Of course it's because of yesterday," Black hissed at him. "And now leave me alone, I promised James I'd secure the Quidditch field for us."

But Remus didn't want to let him go that easily. He planted himself in his way.

"Now wait a minute," he said apologetically. "You know I didn't mean it that way. I was just tired-"

"Wow, that's your big excuse? You were tired? So are you always such a giant idiot when you're tired?"

The conversation was quickly going in the wrong direction.

"No, I'm not." Black tried to walk past him, but he cut him off again. "But what I said is true. I don't like Potter dealing with you-know-what like that. I just find it tactless of him."

Black stared at him down his nose.

"Do you know what I find tactless? You talking badly about James all the time. That you're being self-deprecating just so you can argue with me. And that you just question our relationship like that."

With that he pushed past him and left a bewildered Remus standing in the hallway.

* * *

Days passed and finally weeks. It became colder and colder and the snow that covered the meadows around the castle became permanent. It was the end of November and Remus felt it in his bones that the next full moon was approaching.

Since he had argued with Black, they had hardly spoken a word to each other. Remus didn't know what that meant for their relationship. Black hadn't said anything about it. To his relief, he hadn’t seen him with other girls either.

He had accused him of questioning their relationship. Remus had gone over their fight in the dorm several times in his head before he realized what he was referring to. He had told him that he would not have this problem if he had seen what Remus’ personality was like before. Apparently Black had taken this more seriously than he himself had meant in hindsight.

He could have apologized if it had only been that. But something in him kept him from speaking to him and trying again. And that was the fact that both Potter and Black didn't consider his illness a curse, but a real sensation. He hated that they thought of his illness as such a big part of him. He wanted nothing to do with the wolf. They had chosen to turn into animals, but for them the transformation was painless because it was not forced and they kept their minds. He, on the other hand, slipped on the fur of a monster every four weeks. It amazed him that he could remember the last night of the full moon at all because it had been the first time.

Remus stood in front of his bed in the dormitory and put on his pyjamas. Now that the other boys knew about his secret, there was no need to change without them.

Potter, who had just put on a shirt, came over to him.

"When will it be time again?" he asked, like it was a side note. Remus knew immediately what he was going for.

"In two days.”

"So the night from Friday to Saturday?"

"Exactly.”

"Cool."

Remus rolled his eyes.

Then Potter suddenly asked, "When should we be there?"

Remus paused, his flannel shirt only half buttoned.

"What?” Then it dawned on him. "You're not coming with me! That's far too dangerous!"

Potter just grinned at him and patted his shoulder affably.

"Don't worry about that. All went well last time. Besides, your wolf," he poked Remus’ stomach, as if the wolf could be found there in some mysterious way, "has already accepted Sirius. Remember that, Sirius?" He turned to him. "He rolled on his back and stretched his paws in the air!" Laughing, he imitated the pose. "I thought I was going crazy!”

He was, Remus thought.

"Listen," he tried again desperately. "That’s really too dangerous. Think about it: I am a werewolf". He hated to say it so directly. "Just because the wolf has submitted himself one time doesn't mean he'll do it a second time."

"Who cares," Potter shrugged his shoulders, "we already have you under control. And we can't get infected, remember? It's like a special invitation to the werewolf show."

Now Black also interfered. He only wore pyjama trousers and didn't seem to have any intention of getting further dressed. Remus had to force himself not to stare at him for too long.

"Now don't make such a fuss," he said. "After all, you've already bit me and nothing happened, and James and I can keep you in check easily."

Remus realized that he had lost the fight. It didn't matter what he said, they would follow him anyway. He was disappointed that Black preferred to take his best friend's side rather than his. But with the way things were between them right now, he wasn't surprised anymore.

After they all lay in their beds, it became quiet in the dorm surprisingly fast. Potter snored and Pettigrew kept rolling back and forth. Remus listened to Black's quiet breathing. He missed him. But he also didn't know where to pick up the thread he had lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading and editing this so many years later I realize again how much of a dickhead Sirius is sometimes xD


	20. Memories of a stranger

The next morning, Remus woke up earlier than the others. He decided to take advantage of it and claim the shower for himself. Although he had slept well through the night he felt exhausted, a sign of the approaching full moon. His whole body was tense, his muscles hardened as if he had run a marathon. It didn't bother him as much anymore, as he was used to it, yet he sighed in relief as he stood under the hot shower and let the water run over his scarred skin.

He didn't hear the door open, but he felt the breeze of air that suddenly swept coldly around his legs.

"Oh, awake already?"

He flinched when he recognized the voice. Black stepped inside the shower and Remus quickly turned away from him, more out of shame about his naked body than out of dislike.

Black didn't comment on his behavior, but grabbed the shampoo that was in a hollow in the wall.

While Black washed his long hair, Remus risked a cautious look at him and immediately regretted it.

Black was well-built, that was no secret. But seeing him naked in the shower next to himself made him dizzy. His long legs were still tanned from the summer, his stomach flat. Remus let his eyes wander upwards. The wound on his shoulder had healed well, yet he could still see the light red impression of teeth on his collarbone. It showed all too clearly how large he was in his wolf form.

As his gaze wandered further up, he saw that Black had noticed his stare and he quickly lowered his eyes again.

Black didn’t comment on his behavior. It wasn't the first time Remus had watched him, nor the first time he had been caught. Each time he missed him a bit more. He wasn't sure if he just missed the kisses and those embarrassing but exciting fumbles with him, or if it was more. For several nights, he had lain awake at night and had racked his brains about it, wondering what he felt for him and simply couldn't find an answer. If he ever wanted to find out he would have to end this fight with him.

But he didn't know how.

Quietly, he finished his shower and left the bathroom as fast as he could.

* * *

After breakfast, they had Care of Magical Creatures. Remus liked the subject because it took place outdoors and reminded him of home. Their teacher, Professor Kettleburn, had announced that they were going to be studying Thestrals in that lesson last week, and he was excited to see how he would teach them about something most students couldn't even see.

Remus already noticed the Thestrals from a distance. They stood on a pasture surrounded by a fence where the students had gathered. He knew that many people were afraid of these animals, but he had been used to seeing them for a long time. Nevertheless, he could not suppress a brief shudder as he looked into their ghostly eyes. With these creatures, one could never be sure whether they were watching you or not.

"What topic do we have today?" he heard Black ask when they arrived in front of the pasture. He rolled his eyes because Black had once again not paid attention in class, but at the same time he felt relief because Black apparently couldn’t see the Thestrals.

"Thestrals," he answered the question. Black looked at the pasture.

"Does that mean those are here right now and I can't see them?"

Remus nodded.

"Yes. There are six, no seven of them. There's also a foal."

Black looked at him in shock.

"You didn't tell me you could see them." It sounded reproachful and Remus immediately regretted having spoken to him.

At that moment, Professor Kettleburn appeared and admonished them to be quiet. The lesson began, but again, Remus was only thinking about Black.

When they were finally supposed to walk pairwise towards a Thestral, he watched how Potter and Evans formed a couple, as did Black and another girl. Remus remembered Black and Potter swooning over her in the past school year because she had supposedly made her skirt shorter. Now he watched as Miranda linked arms with Black and Black just let it happen.

Remus clenched his teeth. Above all, this sight hurt.

Pettigrew, who had waited for him impatiently, cleared his throat and Remus hurried to go with him to the last remaining Thestral.

"You can't see them either, can you?" he asked when he noticed Pettigrew run into the wrong direction.

"No, why should I?" It sounded hostile, but he tried to ignore it. Neither of them were popular enough to choose another partner.

As they learned to handle the animals and feed them, Remus watched his boyfriend from the corner of his eye. He and Miranda seemed to understand each other splendidly. She constantly touched him and laughed about his jokes, way too loud. It was obvious that she was flirting with him. And Black was well versed in such things, he must had realized her intentions. But he didn’t do anything about it. Remus was seething inside.

He wrote a note to Black. He just had to know where they were in their relationship. Whether they still had a relationship at all or whether Black now went back to pursuing girls. Remus couldn't bear the thought and so he let the piece of parchment slide into Black’s pocket when nobody was looking.

He hadn't noticed Black slip his answer back into his own pocket, but when he looked inside in the evening, the note was suddenly there. Nervously, he unfolded it and read the short sentence on it.

'I don't know.'

* * *

It was the day of the full moon.

Remus was more nervous than usual because this time he knew that the Marauders wanted to accompany him. He had toyed with the idea of talking to the headmaster, but then had decided against it. It would have serious consequences, not only for the Marauders, but also for him. He was on his own.

The day flowed by and suddenly, it was evening.

It was quite dark in the hut when he arrived. He laid down his clothes and the blanket he had brought with him and put them in a corner, hoping that he would not tear them up later. Then he lay down on his stomach on the dusty wooden floor and waited.

He was right on time this month, the first signs of his transformation were not long in coming. He gritted his teeth and thought of Black before they’d had their fight.

* * *

Black shivered and pulled his cape tighter around his body. James, Peter and he had been waiting a few minutes for the full moon to rise. They hadn't dressed very warmly as they were expecting to transform soon anyway.

They had noticed Remus becoming more and more restless and constantly looking out of the window. Finally, he’d gotten up without saying a word and left the common room. A few minutes later they had followed him and watched him disappear beneath the Whomping Willow.

Black watched the black clouds in the sky from narrow eyes. It was about to snow. He hoped that the transformation wouldn’t be too painful for Remus, but he knew it was just wishful thinking. The last days he had become paler and paler around the nose and Black had wished for nothing more than to be able to help him somehow. But even if they hadn't been on bad terms, he couldn't have done anything.

"There.” James' quiet voice pulled him out of his thoughts. In fact, the moon had just come out from behind the clouds. It was time.

"Shall we?"

James nodded. Together, they turned into their animagi forms; a big black dog, a full-grown deer with magnificent antlers and a small but nimble rat. The snow under his paws felt wet and cold. The three of them headed for the Whomping Willow. Peter, who was the smallest of them, scurried between the branches of the willow. They striked at him, but he was too fast and safely arrived at the trunk of the tree, where he activated the root. Immediately the willow froze.

Black followed him while James stayed behind. He would have been too big to fit into the hole anyway.

The entrance in front of him was enveloped in darkness. Black jumped in and landed on wet leaves. There was a narrow corridor in front of him, the walls made of damp brown earth with some roots sticking out here and there. They creeped over his back as he walked along the passage.

After a few minutes, the end of the passage was announced by a gentle lifting of the path. He could see a small shred of light and ran towards it until the floor under his feet was suddenly made out of wood. In front of him was a staircase that looked untrustworthy with its narrow, well-trodden steps.

His dog's nose perceived a familiar smell, his fur bristled. He could hear muffled noises from above, as if something heavy was walking around. Suddenly he heard a scratch, then a bang. There was no doubt: Remus had already transformed. His instincts advised him to turn back, but he forced himself to go further up the stairs.

The werewolf noticed him even before he had arrived at the upper landing. Black had expected to be attacked by him. But when he turned around the corner and stopped in the doorway of the room where the smell came from, nothing happened. The werewolf stood in a corner of the room and looked at him. Between his paws, he had the remains of something that might have been a chair once. Slowly, so as not to provoke him unnecessarily, Black entered the room. The werewolf watched him out of yellow eyes. Then he moved, not jerky, but very slowly, as if he also didn't want to risk being attacked.

And then he lowered his head and pulled his tail in. He groveled quietly.

Black couldn't believe it. For the last two days he had been afraid of having to fight him again, but the werewolf had simply submitted to him without a fight. Nevertheless, he had to force his rigid muscles to approach him.

Gently, he nudged him with his nose and the werewolf rose again. Black used the opportunity to finally take a closer look at him. He was taller than his dog form. He had always imagined werewolves with black or grey fur, but Remus’s fur was light brown, similar to his hair colour. He wondered if this was a coincidence. His eyes were yellow, his pupils small and round. His head was elongated, his ears lying flat against it, the bushy tail still pulled in. His paws were huge.

Like four weeks before, he nodded his head at him and motioned to follow him. The werewolf did so willingly.

Together they walked the way back to the entrance of the Whomping Willow, where a trembling Peter was waiting for them. The little rat visibly bristled his fur when he saw Remus and scurried away before they reached him. Black was the first to go through the hole. Meanwhile, Peter had retreated to James' antlers.

As the werewolf squeezed his way out of the hole below the willow, they all held their breath. Nobody was completely sure if Remus wouldn't go crazy and they would have to get him under control again.

But nothing happened. The werewolf just looked at them without making a sound, then turned his head towards the forest, as if to ask if they wanted to go there now.

Black decided to break the first ground. Determined, he walked towards the forest and stopped a few meters later to see if everyone was following him. Moony trotted after him and behind him was James, who still had Peter sitting on his antlers. Apparently he thought this was the safest place. He was surprised that the werewolf hadn't also paid his respect to James by lowering his head to him.

As animagi, James, Peter and he had often explored the Forbidden Forest. They had encountered unicorns, had seen centaurs from afar, but had avoided them as they would have seen through their animal form, and they had also had a particularly unpleasant encounter with acromantulas, which had chased them through the forest. After that, Peter had refused to enter the forest again for weeks.

However, most of their trips were quiet as most of the forest animals seemed to avoid them. Nevertheless, they simply loved the excitement of the forbidden, and so they knew the forest like the back of their hand.

* * *

His bones hurt.

It made him angry.

Always this pain. And this narrowness that strangled him. Everywhere walls that stopped him.

He wanted to run. He wanted to smell.

He wanted to kill something and devour it.

He felt something sharp on his paws and it stung. Angrily, he threw it aside.

A smell prickled his nose. So familiar ...

The hair on his neck was bristling and he whined, very quietly. It was him again. The stranger. Fearfully, he scratched the ground with his paws.

The smell became stronger. He heard him come closer, heard his panting breath.

He wanted to leave, but he was trapped. He was always trapped, always this narrowness, these walls, stopping, constricting.

He was very close now.

He lifted his head, stared directly at him. He did not dare to move.

Whimpering, he lowered his head and pulled in his tail. He didn't want the stranger to hurt him.

As the stranger approached, he growled quietly with fear, he could not suppress it. But the stranger just sniffed at him and then nudged him with his snout.

Then he motioned for him to follow him. He followed his order eagerly. He had someone to obey now. Maybe he led him into freedom. Maybe then he could finally hunt.

As he followed the stranger through a dark, narrow passage that seemed strangely familiar to him, something repeatedly pricked in the far corner of his consciousness: He was not allowed to leave. It was dangerous. He was dangerous.

Why, the wolf didn’t know.

* * *

The ceiling in the hospital wing was painted white, but the paint had been flaking off for a while. Remus was lying in his usual bed, stubbornly staring straight ahead. Of course he had seen it coming. Black, Potter and Pettigrew had spent the full moon night with him. They had released him and roamed the Forbidden Forest as if he were a dog to be walked. He refused to look at any of them.

"Moony," Black tried again. Potter and Pettigrew had long since gone and were enjoying the freshly fallen snow. Black had stayed and had pulled a chair up to his bed. Remus didn't know why he bothered at all. He had known that he was against the Marauders releasing him. So why was he surprised that Remus was angry and didn't feel like talking to any of them?

Black sighed. Remus heard a rustling sound and thought that Black had finally got up to leave, a thought which brought him relief and sadness at the same time. But Black just leant over him.

"You don't understand," he said. Remus couldn't believe it.

"I don't understand? I think it’s you who doesn’t understand the seriousness of the situation.”

"You’re different when we’re with you.” Silence. Remus kept staring at the ceiling.

"I know. I remember."

And how terrible those memories were. He wanted them all out of his head. He could remember following a dog from the cabin and running into the woods. He could remember being afraid of the dog, but at the same time trusting it more and more. And he could remember how they had wandered through the forest until he had picked up a trail and killed a fox. It was almost as if he could still taste the blood on his tongue. He felt sick.

Black handed him the bucket just in time for him to vomit yet again. His throat was burning. Wordlessly, Black took the bucket back and removed the vomit with a simple 'Evanesco'.

"You really _are_ different. Not as wild," he tried again. "And you listen to me."

"Well, that’s just great," Remus replied sarcastically. It was harsh, but he just couldn't help it; he was hurt and he wanted Black to know about it.

"No, listen to me." Black touched one of his hands, but Remus pulled away. "You told me yourself that you think it makes it angry to be locked up. So what could be better than to let him run free?”

Now Remus sat up, even if it hurt.

"But I never said that it should be different! It’s a wild animal, it belongs locked up!”

Black looked at him in shock.

"But he's inside you," he finally said. "A part of you. And you’re not a wild animal. You’re not a monster. That's what I thought at first," Remus jerked back as if he had hit him, "but the two nights I've been running through the forest with you have shown me something else.”

"Oh, and what?”

"As I said, you listen to me. And I can communicate with you. Somehow you understand me and I understand you, although we can't talk to each other."

Remus swallowed. He knew Black was right because he remembered every detail of the full moon night.

"Still. It's just too dangerous," he said weakly.

"And your scars? If you're locked up, you'll go berserk all night. Do you really want to do that to your body?”

"You don't care about that." Remus crossed his arms and looked away.

"You know I care."

Remus didn’t answer. He just didn't want this, didn't they understand? He was afraid to hurt someone. Just the thought that he had attacked Black and bitten his shoulder made him sick.

For a brief moment, he wished he'd never gotten involved with Black. But that thought made his heart cold and the moment went by as fast as it had come.

Black got up from his chair.

"I'm leaving now." He put a warm hand on his shoulder and briefly squeezed it. Remus hated that he had longed for just a touch like this. "Rest a little longer. See you tonight."

When Black had left the hospital wing, Remus missed him so much that it hurt.

* * *

It was four days before Christmas and Remus wandered around Hogsmeade looking for presents. He had wondered if he should give Black anything at all and was still not sure. Nevertheless, he had bundled up and, like most of the other students who had stayed at the castle for the holidays, had made his way to the wizard village.

Potter and Pettigrew had gone to their families over the holidays, so he didn't have to worry about whether the strange kind of friendship between them made Christmas presents necessary. The fact that Black hadn't gone to spend the two weeks at Potter’s house had surprised them all.

What kind of presents would someone like Sirius Black like? Remus was at a loss. He had not a clue about Quidditch and he would risk that Black already had whatever he gave him. And what else? Black didn't read any books. Sweets were okay, but a bit boring. What other hobbies did he have? He had already racked his brains about it, but what else was Black interested in? Except girls of course.

The longer he stared dully at the shop windows and looked for shop after shop, the more he noticed how little he actually knew about Black.

When evening came, he went back to the castle with empty hands.


	21. Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of suicide I guess...? (Don't worry, it's not about Remus!)  
> I'm not completly satisfied with this chapter, but well ...

It was the morning of Christmas Eve. Remus had slept for a surprisingly long time and stretched his limbs while lying in bed. The dorm was completely deserted. A glance at Black's bed confirmed that he had already woken up before Remus and was probably already sitting in the Great Hall having breakfast.

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. The floor was cold and he was shivering as he looked for his socks. When he had put them on, he walked around his bed and looked at the small pile of presents at the end of it. Two of them were from his father, as he noticed when he carefully opened the wrapping paper. It was a book about herbal medicine. He already had one, but he found that this one was even more specific. Satisfied, he put it in his closet. The second gift consisted of a combination of quills, different types of ink and a new, elegant fountain pen. His father always knew what he could give him.

These were the only gifts. He tried to suppress the disappointment that Black hadn’t given him anything. After all, he didn’t have anything for him either. But would they ever be able to get along again?

His good mood vanished. He quickly dressed and made his way to the Great Hall.

* * *

When he arrived there, he realized that Black was still sitting at the breakfast table. And he wasn't alone.

Around him, at least four girls had gathered, two of them from the grade below them, and practically made mooneyes at him. Black was obviously enjoying the attention. Remus decided to sit as far away from him as possible.

While preparing a jam roll for himself, he tried to ignore the girl’s giggling and looked at the festive decoration of the hall instead. A huge Christmas tree had been set up near the teacher's table, laden with red, blue, yellow and silver balls. He knew that the tree was this colorful so as not to give preference to any house color, yet this garish mixture was a little too much for his eyes and he turned away. Otherwise, the hall was decorated with floating candles and the ceiling showed a sky covered with stars even though it was daytime.

A particularly penetrating laugh from one of the girls attracted his attention again and he looked over to Black, who suddenly raised his head and caught his eye. Remus swallowed. He wasn't sure if he would prefer Black to come to him or stay with the girls.

Black settled for the latter. One of the girls - Miranda again! - touched his arm and Black turned to her. They exchanged some words which Remus couldn’t understand because of the distance, then all at once Miranda shyly glanced downwards and presented Black a small, lovingly wrapped gift.

Remus felt a sharp stab in his chest. He himself had no gift for Black, but this girl did? He wondered what she had given him. And a small part of him hoped it was an inappropriate gift, something Black wouldn't be happy about.

The thought that such a girl could give his boyfriend something to be happy about made him sick. He grabbed another bread roll, got up and left the hall without looking back.

* * *

In his efforts not to cross Black's path, Remus had to be a little inventive. He couldn't get into the common room, as he’d probably meet him there. Instead, he stayed in the library for the first few hours and wrote the last essays they had to do for the holidays. Just as it was time for lunch, he made a short detour to the Great Hall, quickly shoved some pie-crust into his mouth and disappeared as quickly as possible.

Anything not to cross Black's path. It was Christmas. He didn't want to see him.

He didn't want to go back to the library again, considering he was already finished with all of his homework. Instead, he grabbed his warmest cloak and went outside, towards the lake.

It was freezing cold outside the castle and a thick blanket of snow covered the Hogwarts grounds. The few students who had stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays preferred to stay in their common rooms or fill their stomachs with food in the Great Hall.

When he reached the lake, he paused for a moment and looked at the frozen ice in front of him. His breath painted small clouds in the air.

Black. He had avoided him all day, but there was no way to chase him out of his head.

He had crept into his life. Remus hadn't wanted to be friends with him, he didn't even like him. But Black had simply not accepted that and decided that they were friends now. Similar to how one day he must have decided that he wanted more than just friendship and had pestered him until Remus had finally given in.

Even so, these kisses felt damn good.

But that was all just something sexual. Or was it? Then why did he feel as if something in him was constantly contracting, as if he was missing out on something if he wasn't doing something soon?

Why did he want nothing more than to make up with him and hug him?

He shook his head as if it could drive away his thoughts. He already sounded just like the heroines in his novels. Sappy. Besotted.

Besides, it was all just wishful thinking. Black and him - there was an insurmountable chasm between them which was called Potter. Potter and everything associated with him. This lack of understanding. Lack of understanding for him as a person. Lack of understanding for his illness. Black couldn't decide between them and Remus wouldn't have wanted that either.

* * *

Remus felt freezing cold. He had spent the whole afternoon out by the lake, letting the biting wind blow around him. His warmest cloak had turned out to be not quite so warm after all, meaning that he was now marching towards the castle chilled to the bone. In the meantime, the wet snow had also soaked into his shoes and every step felt muddy and cold. His toes were like lumps of ice on his feet; they hurt like hell even though he couldn’t feel them that well anymore.

He had almost arrived at the gates when he raised his head and saw a single figure running towards him. He narrowed his eyes to see better and realized it was Black. All the hide-and-seek for nothing as Black had found him now. In spite of the cold he contemplated turning around on the spot, but then Black had reached him and came to a halt in front of him, panting.

He was dressed in a fur-seamed cloak, a woolen hat on his head and his Gryffindor scarf around his neck. Remus wished he would have thought of taking a hat with him.

"Here you are, Moony," Black breathed. It sounded strangely normal, almost loving. As if there had never been anything bad between them. Remus avoided his eyes and continued his walk.

"I wanted to get some fresh air," he explained.

"Fresh air, my ass!” Black began trudging along him. "You are completely frozen over! Your nose is already red."

Remus didn't care much about the color of his nose, it was more the color of his toes he was worried about. He suspected that it had to be somewhere between blue and purple.

"I forgot about the time," he muttered and wondered why he answered at all.

"Let's get you inside first." Black sounded strange, as if he actually wanted to say more but bit it back. Remus didn't want to talk to him. They had hardly spoken a word with each other in the last few weeks, except for one or two conversations about homework. If they talked to each other properly, it would probably only end in a fight again.

Remus immediately became a little warmer when they entered the castle. But his shoes were still soaked and his head was hurting from the cold air.

There was little going on in the common room because most of the students hadn't stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays. Remus left wet footprints as he crossed the room and went up the stairs to the dorm. Black followed him, still silent, and Remus decided to continue ignoring him.

When he arrived in the dorm, he fell on his bed and took off his shoes and socks. He dropped the wet socks to the floor as he took new ones out of his closet. The dry wool felt wonderfully warm on his skin and he sighed comfortably.

"I’ve been looking for you everywhere," Black finally interrupted the silence. Remus didn't know what to answer. "Did you avoid me?” Remus shrugged his shoulders.

Black sighed as if he had just lost a fight, then let himself fall on the bed next to him. Remus' first instinct was to jump up, but he didn’t.

It was strange how little they had to say to each other.

"I have a gift for you," Black suddenly said, as if it had just occurred to him. "Actually, even two gifts.”

Remus felt heat rise in his cheeks. Black had a gift for him? For some reason, he hadn't expected that at all.

"You didn’t have to," he muttered, suddenly embarrassed. "I - I don't have anything for you ..."

"I don't care about that. I still want you to have it. It's nothing special, I just thought you might like it, that it might help you."

Black went to his own bed and took something from underneath. The gift was wrapped a bit messily. He pressed it into Remus' hand who looked at it suspiciously, but then he carefully tore off the paper.

Immediately, the contents tumbled onto his lap.

Remus asked in surprise, "Chocolate?”

Black looked at him alarmed.

"Aren't you happy?"

Remus looked at all the chocolate on his lap.

"Um, well, I am."

Black nervously rubbed his neck.

"I was just thinking, what does Remus like best, and those are books and chocolate, and I have no idea about books, so..." He fell silent.

Remus put the chocolate aside.

"But why?"

Unbelieving, Black looked at him.

"Why? It's Christmas, that's why."

"But why are you giving me something? We’re still fighting.”

Now it was Black's turn to shrug his shoulders.

"I still wanted to give you something. Because our relationship is important to me, you know.”

That hit home. Remus almost jumped up again. But something stopped him. Nervously, he wrung his hands and looked at the floor.

"Our relationship is also important to me," he said quietly.

Black exhaled audibly. Then suddenly, he wrapped one arm around Remus’ shoulders.

"That's what I wanted to hear from you," he whispered into his ear. Remus felt as if his heart had stopped for a moment, only to continue beating at double speed.

He had to pull himself together. He pushed Black away.

"Now wait a minute." His voice sounded way too insecure. "Do you just want to go on like before? I don't think that's a good idea."

Black took his hands into his own.

"No, I don't," he admitted quietly. "It's just ... you show so little of yourself. Sometimes I feel as if you make a big secret out of everything. Like - like with your mother.”

Remus flinched back, wanting to pull his hands back, but Black held on to them.

"I'm not saying that you should tell me all about it right now. Just tell me _something_. Do you know how hard it was to find a fitting gift for you? All I know about you is that you like chocolate and novels. Romantic novels, okay. But that's not much. Really not much for a relationship."

Remus didn't look at him.

"I don't know much about you either. That's why I didn't find a gift."

Black squeezed his hands briefly.

"Making up with you would be enough of a gift for me."

Remus' mouth twitched. Sometimes, Black was a hopeless romantic.

But there still was this one problem.

"And Potter?”

"I can't help what James does. But I can talk to him." Black let go of his hands just to put both of them on Remus' face and turn it to him so that he had to look at him. "But it's just like that: you're a werewolf and that's pretty wicked. I know, it’s not _just_ wicked," he added as Remus wanted to squirm out of his grip again, "but part of it is. And for the other part: I think I can slowly understand you better. Maybe I can never quite understand it because I’m not walking in your shoes. But I’m doing my best."

Remus stared at him. Black looked back without blinking. His black eyes were as serious as he had ever seen them.

"That's why I bought you this." Black offered him a second packet. Remus hesitantly accepted and opened it.

It was a vial with an amber liquid in it.

"What is this?"

Black took the small bottle out of his hand.

"Lavender oil," he said. "It helps with bone pain, muscle tension and even with scars."

Remus looked at him skeptically.

"Yeah, I've heard of it. But what am I supposed to do with it?”

Black rolled his eyes.

"You'll see." He grinned at him mischievously. "If you take off your clothes, I'll show you."

Remus’ face turned bright red. There was no way Black wasn’t aware of the ambiguity of his words as broadly as he grinned at him.

But Remus didn't want to give in so quickly.

"Wait," he said. "What about all those girls? The ones you were sitting with in the Great Hall today, for example."

Black sighed, somewhat theatrically.

"You know the fair sex never leaves me alone."

"You could at least pretend that it’s bothering you."

Black sighed.

"Allight, I admit that wasn't entirely fair. But you completely ignored me, what else could I do?"

Remus needed a moment to decipher that.

"You mean you wanted to make me jealous?"

"Well, did it work?"

Remus didn’t bother rewarding that with an answer. Instead, he huffed and then did what he had been asked to do earlier and took off his sweater. He wasn’t about to forgive him that easily, but he was willing to try.

"And what now?" he asked.

"Lie down on your stomach."

Hesitantly, Remus followed his instructions and lay down, but not without turning his head to see what Black was doing.Meanwhile, Black had taken off his shoes and had climbed onto the bed as well. Remus felt heat rising on his face as Black kneeled down with his legs on each side of his hips and opened the bottle of lavender oil. He poured a small amount of it into the palm of his hand.

Remus' heart hammered wildly in his chest. After Black rubbed the oil between his palms, he laid his hands on Remus' back. He began with slow, circular movements and exerted little pressure. Little by little he worked his way forward to his shoulders and pressed his fingertips into the hardened muscles. Remus closed his eyes.

For several minutes, Black loosened every muscle in his body until he felt like pudding. Sometimes his hands stroked over his back and down until they touched the edge of his jeans, then again he massaged his shoulders with a strong grasp. One time, he pressed his thumb into a particularly tightly wound spot and Remus had to bite his lip to avoid making a sound. His whole back felt warm and soft.

When Black finally stopped, Remus had almost fallen asleep. With his eyes still closed, he heard Black wipe his hands on a cloth. Then he suddenly felt Black bend down to him, his sweater grazing his bare back. Warm breath swept over his ear. But Black didn't whisper anything to him, but kissed the shell of his ear. Then he let himself fall onto the mattress next to him.

Remus waited a moment until he opened his eyes. Black was lying right next to him and was facing him. His gaze seemed unusually calm.

"Thank you.” Remus didn't know what else to say.

"You're welcome."

At that moment, Remus knew that he would probably forgive him everything. He was a hopeless case.

The corners of Black's mouth moved upwards, then he slipped closer to him and closed his eyes. He had quite long eyelashes, Remus noticed. And a straight nose. And a really pretty mouth for a boy. He bit his lip until it hurt.

Then he said, "It was my fault."

Black opened his eyes, surprised.

"What are you talking about?"

Remus forced himself to keep looking at him.

"My mother. You wanted to know what had happened to her.” He took a deep breath. "Well, she’s dead, you already know that much. It’s my fault that she’s dead.”

Black scrunched up his eyebrows.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

But Remus couldn’t stop now. It was like a dam breaking: A little leak and then everything got flooded.

"I was five when I was bitten. Six when mom died. She was a witch, you know, not like dad, he's a Muggle." Remus was kneading the pillow with his fingers. "She couldn't stand it," he whispered. "Every month when I turned, she ignored me for days afterwards. Dad always had to get me out of the cellar and take care of me. She just sat there and ... didn't say a word. Just looked at me." Now he lowered his gaze. "I was six.” His fingers were clutching the pillow. "I found her. She did it with pills."

Black kept quiet. It seemed like an eternity to Remus, waiting for his reaction with closed eyes.

A hand touched his shoulder, then Black pulled him towards him and held him tight. Remus didn't know what to say. It had been over for such a long time, there was no reason to cry. But why did tears flow down his cheeks anyway?

One hand was on his back, another was stroking his hair and Black still didn't say a word. Remus didn't know how he should feel - relieved to have finally told someone about it, sad because of remembering it and guilty. And at the same time, it was so good to be held by him that at some point he pressed his face into Black's warm sweater.


	22. Breaking through the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.  
> It has been a while.  
> In my defence, I've been busy with exams (still am, tbh). But I didn't want to let you wait any longer, so I managed to translate another chapter.  
> Please let me know what you think :3

A blizzard had begun to rage around the castle. The wind shook the windows and howled at the top of the tower. Apart from that, the dormitory was completely silent. Remus was lying on his bed with Black next to him and was hiding his face in Black’s sweater. He had not intended to cry. Boys didn't do that and yet he realized he had been forced to break that rule.

He had thought that Black would laugh at him for his unmanly behavior. Or that he would push him away because he didn't know how to handle it. Instead, he had only hugged him harder while one of his broad hands was stroking his back and the other one was buried in his hair.

Remus was no longer crying because of his mother. He didn't really know why he was crying at all. Relief, above all. And affection, which surged up in him. He snuffled and gasped for air.

"Everything okay?" Black asked.

Remus just nodded as he didn't trust his voice yet and looked over Black's shoulder at a spot on the wall. He didn't want to look him in the eyes with a face puffy from crying. Black audibly breathed out. Remus wondered if he had been holding his breath the whole time.

"Why do you think it's your fault?"

He didn't ask: Why did your mother take pills? Why did your mother kill herself? He wanted to know why he blamed himself.

Remus still couldn’t look at him.

"She couldn’t bear it, my illness. The constant transformations. If I wasn’t a werewolf, she would still be alive.”

"But you can't help it!”

"I should’ve listened to her then. I shouldn’t have run into the forest.”

Black grabbed his chin and forced Remus to look at him.

"That's bullshit!" Black flashed his eyes at him. "You were five! Children don’t always do what their parents say.”

"But if I _had_ , she wouldn’t be-"

"No, don't even think about it! You were a child,” the hold on his chin bordered on being painful, “and she was an adult woman. You didn't decide to get bitten. But what she did was her decision alone."

Shocked, Remus gasped for air.

"Her - her _decision_?" He wrestled himself free. "How dare you!”

He wanted to climb off the bed, but Black grabbed his arm and tugged so Remus fell back on the mattress. He tried to fight back, but Black wouldn't let him and grabbed both of his far too thin wrists and braced himself with all his weight against Remus' futile efforts.

"Let go of me, you idiot!" Remus hissed at him. He rarely got as angry as now. He hadn't even been this angry during their last fight, he had just felt cold and empty. But now a fire was burning in his body.

"You’re the idiot here!” Black was ruthless to keep him under control; he sat down on him and held him in place. "Do you think anything will get better if you blame yourself? This is bullshit! You are not to blame, Moony! No one is to blame, you hear me? That you were bitten was an accident and accidents happen. And it’s tragic, but nobody can change it. Only you. You can change something about it." Black was panting. Remus stared at him perplexed, the fire in him as quickly extinguished as it had risen in him.

"What do you want me to change? Lycanthropy isn’t curable," he said.

"Maybe it isn’t. But you make it harder for yourself than it should be.” Black saw that Remus had finally become quiet, yet he wouldn't let him go. This was something he had to say. "I think that sometimes, you deliberately make your life as hard as possible for yourself and now I know why. You believe that you’re a monster which killed your mother, which destroyed your father's life." Remus stared at him with big eyes and Black knew he had hit the nail on the head. "But as I said, it was an accident. A tragic situation. But you should make the best of it. I mean - show more self-confidence and let us help you. Let James and Peter help you. You’re calmer when we’re with you as Animagi. And there’s something else. I told you before," he added as he leant over Remus, "no matter what you are, it doesn't change the fact that I like you.”

Remus swallowed. He _had_ told him that before, the night before he had kissed him for the first time for real.

Somewhere in his head he knew Black was right. That he had to let go. That he had to forgive himself. But-

"I don't know how."

Black smiled at him. It was one of those smiles he had been missing for the last few weeks.

"Then let me help you."

There was that surge again that threatened to bubble out of him. He remembered the feeling of tightness in his chest that had been haunting him for the past few weeks. Black’s face was so close.

With the last bit of courage he could scrape together, Remus leaned his head towards Black and kissed him directly on the mouth. Black's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly gave in and kissed him back. Remus, who couldn't hold his head up anymore, let him push him back into the pillows.

"So did you miss me after all?" Black murmured against his lips. Remus didn't answer, but pressed his body closer to Black’s, which proved to be difficult from his position. Black continued to hold his wrists with one hand while his other one wandered across his arms down to his shoulder, leaving goose bumps in its wake. His mouth wandered over Remus' chin, then down his neck and paused briefly at his throat. Remus held his breath. Black kissed him briefly there as well, then bit gently into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Remus bit his lip to try and stifle any sound. He didn’t succeed.

Black touched him everywhere, his shoulder, his collarbone, raked his fingers through the fine hairs that had formed on the middle of his chest last year and ran over his skin with the tips of two fingers until they came into contact with his trousers. Remus tensed.

"Don't worry," Black murmured into his ear. "Trust me."

Remus nodded, but then wriggled his hands out of Black's grip. He couldn’t bear to be touched but not to touch Black. Timidly, he laid his hands on both of Black's shoulders and slowly let them glide over his arms. It was a strange feeling, such a different person. So similar, but so different at the same time. For example, the fine muscles on his arms and elbows which were pointier than his own. And he had no scars.

Black gently bit into his neck again and Remus gasped. His hands slipped.

"You're sensitive, aren't you?" He could feel Black’s grin on his neck. He was sure his face was red again. If he didn't finally do something himself, Black would only do what he wanted with him.

Self-confidence, he recalled as Black nibbled on his lips.

He shoved his hands under Black's sweater and Black kissed him even harder. Encouraged, Remus pushed his sweater further up. Black's back felt warm as he stroked his skin and explored every inch. Where he had pushed the sweater up their bodies touched and suddenly Remus couldn't take it anymore, shoved the fabric further up and fumbled with it in the hope that Black would understand the gesture.

He did, for the very next moment Black broke away and took off his sweater. Instead of immediately leaning over him again, he watched him, his eyes oddly hooded. Remus couldn't help it; he raised one hand and touched his stomach. Quidditch really seemed to pay off. Stomach fluttering with nerves, Remus peeked at him.

Black's smile had been replaced by something else, something Remus could only have a hazy notion of. As they kissed again, Black's warm hands roamed all over his body and made him dizzy. He remembered their last encounter and held him close, eliciting a noise from Black that reminded him of a growl.

"You really want it, don't you?" Black whispered and then bit his ear playfully. A hand wandered down Remus’ stomach and fumbled with the button on his trousers.

Remus knew that he would probably choke on his own words if he tried to speak. Instead, he tried to turn off his mind and let his hands wander to Black's bottom. Black pressed his hips against him, finally managed to open his button and undid his zipper. His hand slipped in. Remus bit his lip and clutched at the sheets.

Then he suddenly felt Black reach for one of his hands and gently but surely lead it to his own pants. Remus knew what he was suggesting, but he didn’t want to do anything wrong. Nevertheless, he fiddled with the button until he finally got it open. Black’s distracting hand didn't make it any easier for him to concentrate. He ran his hand over Black’s stomach which tightened at the touch and let his hand slide lower. Black drew a breath. Remus imitated his movements shakily.

Judging by Black's facial expression, he seemed to do something right: Black’s eyes were half closed, a deep expression of concentration on his face and his mouth slightly open.

Everything seemed to blur. Remus suddenly felt Black’s body tense, hot breath in his ear. Then a tremor ran through himself, small flashes of light twitched through his field of vision and he pressed himself against Black one last time before he sank into the mattress.

Black was heavy on him. Remus felt as if all the bones in his body had melted. At the same time he wished the ground would open and swallow him up. At some point Black rolled off him, dragged the blanket over both of them and wrapped his arms around him. A few minutes later, Remus could tell by the slow, steady breath sounds that he had fallen asleep.

The storm was still raging outside the tower. Exhausted, Remus closed his eyes and let the thunder lull him into sleep.

* * *

Hours later, Remus woke up because something was tickling his ear.

Drowsy, he opened his eyes and blinked at the window, the morning sun shining brightly through it. It appeared to be quite late. His empty stomach grumbled.

That tickle again. He turned his head.

Black was lying next to him, apparently awake and busy blowing on his ear.

"Good morning to you, too," Remus grumbled, turned around and made a move to get up. Black, however, stopped him by wrapping his arms around the center of his body and simply pulling him back. He grinned at him cheekily.

"Morning, Moony!" He kissed his neck so that the hair on Remus neck prickled.

"What time is it?" Black only shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Dunno. Probably too late for breakfast."

Remus looked at him.

"I guess you got a plan how we're still gonna get something to eat?"

* * *

An hour later they had taken a shower - which, thanks to Black, took much longer than usual - and stocked up on plenty of bread rolls and croissants from the kitchen. They were on their way out. Remus, who had dressed warmer this time, wore a cap, a scarf and gloves besides his cloak.

They walked along the lake like Remus had only done the previous day. By the time they were far enough from the castle, Black had transformed into his Animagus form and was now a large, black and very shaggy dog. His huge paws whirled up the snow and made Remus’ legs wet up to his knees. At some point, he picked up a stick and threw it and Black actually ran after it, snatched it and brought it back to him. Remus laughed. It felt liberating.

Black was panting and let him pet his ears.

As the dog continued to roll around in the snow, Remus thought about what Black had told him the previous night. Self-confidence, as if it were that easy. It wasn't Black who had to carry his burden, it wasn't him who turned every full moon into a bloodthirsty monster that knew no difference between friend or foe, it wasn't him whose mother had taken her own life just so she wouldn’t have to look him into the eyes.

A wet nose nudged Remus’ hand. He took the stick out of the dog's snout and threw it again, Black yapped and ran happily after it. Where did all this joy come from, all this lust for life? Remus had never thought of killing himself, but his way of life was marked by a certain silence he had built up around himself. It wasn’t something like inner peace and also not a sense of calm, which he had learned to radiate outwards. Only silence.

The snow crunched under his boots, but swallowed most of the noise. Only Black’s excited barking could be heard. Typical of him to be the only one to penetrate the silence.

They spent a few more hours in the snow before it was time to return to Hogwarts. It wasn't until they had almost arrived at the gates that Black turned back, stole a kiss from him and then ran into the lobby, grinning.

Remus couldn't help but smile, too.

* * *

Finally, the second day of Christmas arrived.

Remus listlessly poked around in his food. The full moon was due in a few hours and so his mood was at its lowest point. The last two days with Black had been really nice, but nothing stopped the moon from showing itself as a round disc in the sky to torture him every four fucking weeks. Black sat next to him and ate with his usual appetite; only now and then he reminded him that the pumpkin pie on his plate was for eating and not for squashing. Remus only glared at him.

* * *

As evening neared, it was time to go. As usual, Remus took a soft blanket with him and made his way to the Whomping Willow. He was allowed to venture there alone by now and without the supervision of Madam Pomfrey, but he knew very well that she was following his every step, so that he would arrive in the shelter of the hut in time.

It was freezing cold in the hut. That was the downside of winter’s full moons. Remus felt cold as he took off his clothes and lay down on the wooden floor. He was already feeling the moonlight’s effects in his bones, but it would probably take him a few more minutes to turn. The night was cloudy which meant that this time it would take a little longer for him to transform completely.

The door creaked.

His head shot up.

* * *

Black had followed Remus at a safe distance. Finally, in the shadow of the castle, he had turned into a dog so that he would be less conspicuous if anyone looked out of a window. There, the Whomping Willow was resting quietly as Remus had touched the knot of roots only a few minutes ago. Black hastened to slip into the hole beneath the roots out of fear it might move again at any given moment.

Remus must have already entered the hut for the passage was completely empty and silent.

Arriving at the hut, Black transformed back. There was no noise here either. Slowly, he went upstairs and into the room he knew Remus was always changing in.

He opened the door with a creak.

Remus was completely naked. He had stretched out on the floor on his stomach, arms and legs relaxed and lying next to his body. He could see the goose bumps on his back.

Remus made a jump, panic in his eyes.

"Hey, it’s alright, it's just me." Black raised his hands to calm him down. Remus quickly covered himself with his hands.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, what do you think? I want to spend the night with you, obviously."

"But - I’m not turned yet! You have to go, it’s gonna happen any moment now!”

"Don't worry, I'll also transform now. Just wanted to say hello before."

Remus looked a little doubtful.

"Are you sure?" he finally asked quietly. "It's not a pretty sight.”

Black just grinned at him cheekily.

"Your white ass isn't a pretty sight either. Ever heard of the sun?"

"It's winter," Remus grumbled as he laid down on the floor again. "Besides, yours certainly doesn't look any better.”

"How would you know?" Black cheekily countered. Remus would have liked to answer him, but the first pain twitched through his bones.

"Damn," he said. It was rare that he cursed. "It's time- transform- transform! Hurry!”

Black obeyed him, turned into a dog and retreated to the walls, keeping his eyes trained on Remus.

Remus was still lying on his stomach, but his hands were clawing at the wood beneath him and twitches were running through his body, spreading wave-like under his skin. Remus did not scream, he whimpered, but it no longer sounded human and instead more and more like a wolf’s howl. Horrified, Black watched as his spine lengthened. Remus’ feet scraped across the dusty floor while they expanded and Black first heard him scratch the wood with his long fingernails before his hands became the giant paws he had seen before. Hair pierced his skin, first on his back, then between his fingers and finally on his face which had shifted, he didn't know when, teeth pricked into his lower lip, and Remus opened his mouth and uttered a loud howl.

The hair on Black’s neck stood on end. Without noticing it, a growl escaped his throat and the werewolf turned to him. Remus was no longer there, only Moony.

He would never call him a monster again, not even in his mind.


End file.
